Early the next morning the group passed through Hue, capital
of Vietnam under the old monarchy. Bao Dai, the last king, had
been quite a ladys' man by Pho's account. He lived in France
now. The truck passed over the Perfume River and towards the 17th
Parallel. Once there, it passed over the Hien Luong bridge.
Less than an hour later it was time to change course.
"Turn left here, please," asked Jason. Pho's translation
brought a distrustful glare from Duong. The driver complied with
the change of direction request but pointed an accusing finger at
Pho in the passenger seat beside him. Duong shouted at Pho. Pho
endured this vituperation without protest. Duong became more and
more angry. He raised his voice, screaming and hurling
invectives at the bureaucrat. The object of his abuse stared blankly
back at him.
"Perhaps Duong would be more happy if we asked for another
driver?" wondered Jason aloud. Pho did not bother to translate
this suggestion. Duong's tirade came to an end.
"The last report we have of Captain Solem's whereabouts
mentions a small village called An Lac," said Grandpa, citing the
village that Pho had circled. "We think it would be a good idea
to begin our search there."
When Pho translated this request Duong's suspicions were all
but confirmed. He drove on in cold silence. An hour later the
truck came to a stop among a collection of huts on the side of a
hill. Jim, Pho and Duong got out of the truck. Jason remained
in his seat.
"This is not An Lac," Grandpa stated flatly. "Perhaps
Colonel Duong needs to relieve himself. I can wait here until he is
finished."
Duong was stunned by the translation of this announcement.
He strode behind one of the huts for a few minutes and returned to
the truck, muttering as he did so.
"I gather that the Colonel calls my ancestry into question,"
inferred the elder McGuire. Pho neither corrected nor confirmed
this impression.
"He might be gratified to know that many who knew my
ancestors would agree with him!" added Grandpa. Pho smiled as he
translated this observation. Duong grunted. His mood improved only
slightly.
"Gramps, how did you know that this wasn't the right
village?" asked Jim in LOOP.
"I didn't," answered his grandfather.
In another fifteen minutes the truck came to a stop again.
This village was slightly larger than the previous one.
Approximately sixty houses formed a circle around a central well.
The men disembarked and walked towards the nearest building. Pho
questioned an old man sitting outside the edifice. The old one
pointed down the road to another building. Pho and Duong led the
McGuires over to this second structure. Duong stepped inside and
spoke with someone. Pho explained that this was the mayor's
home. Duong and a rotund older man came through the doorway.
Americans? No, there were no Americans here. Through Pho Jason asked
if the mayor would object to the group looking around. The mayor turned
to Duong, who declared that there would be little purpose wasting
time in such an endeavour.
"Please thank the mayor for his permission," said Grandpa.
With this, the elder McGuire spun on his heels and ambled out of
town towards the rice fields. The others followed him as he went
from farmhouse to farmhouse, knocking on doors and asking questions
through Pho. The pattern evident at the mayor's house repeated
itself again and again. The farmer would look at Duong and
assure the McGuires that, no, there were no Americans here. On to the
next farmhouse. Two hours later Duong's patience wore thin. How
many times did these silly foreigners need to be told the same
simple truth?
The entourage came to a farm with two houses. As usual, the
farmer insisted that there were no Americans in the vicinity.
Jason wondered: could the group talk to the people in the other
farmhouse? No, they were not here right now. In the distance a
group of people were working a rice field. Jason thanked the
farmer and walked towards the workers. Two children were carrying
weeds to a compost heap. Two older women and two younger men dug
furrows between the rows of rice. A taller man and a younger
woman stooped over their hoes, building up the rows. Wide straw hats
hid the faces of all six adults. All were barefoot, with mud caking
their feet as they toiled in the paddy. Jason stood in front of
the tall man.
"Hello, Mr. Solem," said Grandpa. The man straightened
himself. As he tilted his head back the group could see his
face. Strong tropical sun had tanned his face brown. Blue eyes
squinted as the sunlight struck them. He was unmistakably Caucasian.
"English," said the man dryly. "It's been a while..."
Jim drew closer to study the man's face. His quarry seemed
relieved, like a criminal nagged by conscience. A perfunctory
glance at Jim, Duong and Pho acknowledged their presence but the
man's attention focused on Grandpa McGuire.
"How did you find me?"
Grandpa did not respond. The younger woman moved closer to
the man, staring fearfully at the visitors. She cast a sidelong
glance at the children working a few paces from her.
"Who sent you?"
"Your wife," answered the elder McGuire. At this moment the
American put his arm around the woman beside him. "Your wife
back in New Jersey," Jason clarified.
Bill Solem nodded. He spoke a few words in Vietnamese to
the woman at his side. She did not seem reassured.
"May we speak with you?" asked Jason.
Captain Solem spoke to the woman beside him and led the
group to the second farmhouse. The woman rushed ahead and began
preparing a meal for the men. Both children lagged behind,
peering with apprehension at the visitors. At the doorway Jason turned
to Pho and Duong.
"We will rejoin you in a moment," he said, gesturing that
Pho and Duong should wait outside. Jim, Jason, Bill and the children
gathered around a low table inside the hut. Conversation started
slowly with small talk about the weather and this year's crop.
The woman scurried about, hastily preparing and serving rice to the
McGuires and to Pho and Duong outside. Neither Grandpa nor
Captain Solem ate. For a few moments the two men simply sat and stared
at each other until Bill spoke.
"Why?" His voice spoke of a betrayal.
"I have come here," said Jason thoughtfully, "to ask you
that question."
The pilot sighed. He chose his words carefully.
"I am not sure that you will understand--"
"We will try," ensured Grandpa.
"I like to see things grow. I like to watch things grow,"
he explained, looking at the two children beside him. "I am an
engineer. I like to build things. This was not my job with the
Air Force."
Jim shifted his weight as he sat on a straw mat. He
finished his rice and set his bowl down.
"I was kept separate from the other prisoners," Bill
continued slowly. "At first the soldiers thought I might make a statement
against the U.S. government. Eventually, they understood that I
am not very political. I wouldn't make any statements. But at the
same time they sensed that I didn't bear them any hard feelings.
Hell, I was just doing my job bombing them into dust. Wasn't
anything personal, you know?"
"I'm sure that was a great comfort to them," observed
Grandpa. Bill cast his gaze downwards.
"They took me around," restarted Bill. "Showed me where the
bombs were dropped. I saw it up close. It was a lot more real
down on the ground."
Bill's voice trailed off. He looked over at Jim for a
moment.
"Is this your son?" he queried.
"Grandson."
"Did you play baseball when you were younger?" he asked Jim.
Jim nodded. In fact, baseball had been something that
defined his childhood. Football, fishing, basketball, skipping school
and sneaking around smoking cigarettes. None of these things were as
appealing since he became an adult.
"I saw a lot of kids who liked to play baseball and soccer.
They wouldn't get the chance to play any more. This argument
about whether these people should have the right to choose a communist
government in a fair election didn't seem to take these kids into
account. Didn't seem to account for a lot of things.
"After a while I started seeing things differently than I
had through the bomb sights. But it wasn't these silly cadres that
made me see things in a new light. They were far too political
for my tastes. Eventually, the interrogators realized this. They
brought in a young man to talk to me. We got along very well,
the two of us. Talked for hours about philosophy, religion and
psychology. Very bright lad, that one. I think he felt the same
way about the cadres as I did. Silly bastards, all of them.
"We wondered what all of this shit was really about. Not
just the war, mind you. Life in general. I'm afraid life hadn't been
very kind to the young man. The old government had killed his
family. He moved to another village and started a family of his
own. The Viet Cong used the village as a base. Some Americans
came, raped his wife and burned the village. Then some
government troops came in and killed his wife and kid.
"But the guy hung in there. Never became bitter. Never
became political. He told me his secret."
Captain Solem looked down at the bowl of rice growing cold
before him. He turned toward Jim and studied his younger guest
carefully.
"I would guess that you were born into a good home. I'd
guess you were a reasonably decent kid and grew up to be a decent human
being. Eventually, you'll come to a good end. And I would guess
that you're happy with all of that."
Jim did not respond. Was he supposed to?
"Are you a religious man?" asked Solem.
Jim shrugged his shoulders. He didn't get a chance to
respond.
"If so, you should expect to go to a just reward in heaven.
Consider someone less fortunate. Consider some poor kid born
into a broken home in some god-forsaken ghetto. Grows up with street
gangs into a criminal. Leads a crooked life and comes to a
bitter end. Roasts in hell. But what is the difference between you
and him?"
Jim stared blankly at the pilot. What point was he getting
at?
"No difference at all, really. All you've done is maintain
the status quo. You've both pissed your time away on this earth.
Neither of you will have improved. That's the secret. We've got
to improve. It isn't important what we've done. Fought.
Stolen. Dropped bombs on innocent children. It's only important to
improve, day by day. Kill fewer children today. None tomorrow.
Control our temper. Walk away from our greed. Overcome fear.
Speak quietly. Stop condemning the ignorant and begin working
with them. To hell with heaven; we can all work towards becoming
angels without it."
Jason smiled and peered at his grandson. Jim frowned
pensively, pondering the flyer's words.
"But when the war was over," Jim wondered aloud, "why wouldn't
they allow you to return home with the others?"
Solem was taken aback by the question.
"I could go anywhere I wanted," he explained, "but I was
already home."
Jason nodded. But Jim didn't understand yet.
"You wanted to stay here? In this--"
"This is my home now," reiterated the captain. "At first I
felt guilty about the destruction. Guilt will do strange things to
some people. But this young man, he got me past that. Now I had
to rebuild. I helped the locals build hospitals. Schools.
Playgrounds. Yeah, I even helped build a baseball diamond or two.
For a while I taught English and mathematics at the local high
school. After a few years they had enough teachers without me.
Some of my own graduates replaced me as teacher. I was free to
come here and work on this farm."
Captain Solem was gone. Only Mr. William Solem remained. He
called the woman over to his side.
"This is my wife. These are my children."
Jason asked an indelicate question: what should he tell
Bill's American wife and family back in Hoboken? Bill did not
answer.
Grandpa McGuire produced the photo album he had been carrying
on the trip. He opened it on the table in front of his host.
"Janet would want me to show you these pictures."
Jason began eating his rice. Solem stared down at the images
before him. Minutes passed before he turned the page. He cleared
his throat once. When his new wife came to pick up Jim's bowl Bill
closed the album and pushed it back toward his guest.
"How are they doing?" asked Solem.
"Billie Junior is twelve now," replied Jason. "I'm told he
likes to play football. Plays a decent guitar, too. Your
daughter, Jennifer, is fifteen now. Good student. She and Janet
are at odds over Jenny's boyfriend."
"My daughter has a boyfriend?" Solem wondered incredulously.
"Yes," confirmed Grandpa McGuire, "she has a man in her life.
Well, a boy, at least. He's seventeen. Nice lad, actually. I
think Janet would prefer that he was a fifteen year old Catholic
priest, though!"
"My daughter has a boyfriend!" repeated the pilot, shaking his
head in astonishment.
"Nothing serious yet. Janet thinks she's a little boy crazy."
"And Janet?" Bill wondered. "How is she doing?"
"She misses you. Financially, she's okay. Still works at the
library. This year she started getting a widow's pension. I think
she got a life insurance settlement, too. She was worried for a
while that she might have to sell the house. There were some thin
times. But she's okay now."
Bill Solem thought for a while.
"If she had proof that I was alive," he surmised, "she
wouldn't accept that pension any more. Even if the government
still offered it, I mean. She's very head-strong that way, you
know. She'd probably give that life insurance money back, too."
"Your wife is a widow, Bill," Jason stated bluntly.
"And must remain so," asserted the American, "until she meets
someone else."
"I don't think she wants anyone else," declared Jason.
"Perhaps you could convince her?" suggested Bill.
The conversation came to an end. Finished his meal, Grandpa
thanked his hosts and left. Jim gave Bill one last look before
following his grandfather into the truck. Jim could not explain
why he was so envious of the man.
Barely out of the village Duong demanded a complete report of
the McGuire's conversation with Solem. Pho translated this request
as tactfully as he could.
"The colonel is curious to know what you and Mr. Solem found
to talk about," probed Pho.
"He told us that you were of great help to him, Pho," Jason
replied matter-of-factly.
Pho translated this answer verbatim for Duong. The colonel
seemed mollified for the moment.
It was already evening when the group began the return trip to
Saigon. Duong stopped overnight at a different military base.
This one was just south of Hue. The next day he made only one
stop--this time at a restaurant hut--in the early afternoon.
Traffic was slower. The McGuires fell asleep in the back seat as
darkness fell. When Jim woke up it was early morning. They were
re-entering Saigon. Presumably, two days of hot weather had dried
the quagmires just north of the city; the McGuires would not be
called upon to extricate the truck from any sink-holes.
"Oh, good, you're awake, Jim," said Pho. "Duong will be
making a stop downtown before driving us to the airport. Your
flight is leaving in an hour."
Duong negotiated the winding roads of downtown Saigon like a
seasoned taxi driver. Duong reported to his superiors in a
security station while the others remained in the truck.
"Jim," said Pho as they waited for Duong's return, "there's
something I'd like to give you."
Pho reached into his shirt pocket and produced a small yellow
book.
"I found this book among my brother's effects. I think he
bought it in the university book store. It has meant a lot to me.
When things were going badly I would read it. When I thought that
the world was an evil place I would read this passage..."
Pho opened the book and pointed out one line: There is no
evil; only ignorance.
"When I wondered how I would endure the things that were
happening I read this verse here..."
Pho moved his finger to the opposite page.
Cut out my eyes
And I will see
Beauty
You cannot imagine.
Cut out my tongue
And I will sing
In silence.
Cripple me
And watch me dance!
"When I wondered how--and whether--I should continue on with
my life I read this part..."
Pho flipped a couple of pages and fingered another aphorism:
Survival is the only vengeance.
"Jim, do you know who wrote this book?"
Jim thought for a moment. Only one answer made sense.
"My mother?"
Pho nodded.
"I hope that I have been of some help to you and your
grandfather. If so, I hope that I've been able to repay your
mother for all of the help she has given me. Jim, I want you to
have this book."
At first Jim declined. The book obviously meant more to Pho
than to Jim. Certainly Grandpa would have a copy of it on one of
his book shelves.
"Please, take it. I won't be needing it any more," Pho
insisted, glancing at Duong as he returned to the truck.
As he accepted the gift Jim became aware that his grandfather
was awake.
The truck stopped at the airport. Pho unloaded the luggage.
Jason offered his hand to Duong.
"I'd like to thank you, Colonel. We couldn't have succeeded
without you," he waxed. Duong looked over to Pho for assistance.
Jason leaned forward. Jim heard him whisper to Duong:
"That's alright. I know that you can understand me. I couldn't
imagine the authorities sending someone along that didn't speak
English."
Jim looked in amazement at Duong. Was the colonel really
blushing?
Pho carried the bags to the gateway. Jim shook Pho's hand and
wished him the best of luck. Then he noticed the plane out on the
tarmac.
Jason and Pho did not shake hands. In fact, the two men
stared at each other without exchanging any words. Grandpa was
oblivious to Jim.
"Come on, Gramps," chided Jim, "our flight's leaving." Jim
took his grandfather by the arm and dragged him through Customs and
onto the plane.
Jim spent the flight to Bangkok reading his mother's book. It
was collection of sayings and short poems. He recognized that Pho
and his grandfather had been quoting from it during the trip to An
Lac.
Halfway from Bangkok to Hong Kong Jim noted his grandfather's
silence.
"You're not saying much, Gramps. Tired?"
The old man shook his head.
"What did Pho tell you when he gave you your mother's book?"
Grandpa asked.
"You heard him. He said...uh...that the book had helped him
get through life."
"And what else did he say?"
Suddenly a thought struck Jim.
"He said he wouldn't need it any more..."
The McGuires spent the night in a hotel in Hong Kong. Jim
studied the small yellow book carefully. Something about it nagged
at him. He could not put his finger on it. The poems tended to
follow a strict rhythm and rhyme. But it was the prose that
tweaked his curiosity. Something about the prose...
Grandpa McGuire emerged from the shower.
"Ah, it's good to feel human again," he exclaimed, revelling
in his first shower in days.
"Gramps, how come you never told me about my mother? How come
you never told me about this book?"
"How come you never asked?" countered the old man. The
question was not rhetorical. "How come you've never shown an
interest in her until now? Does the fact that she wrote a book
mean so much?"
"It seemed to mean a lot to Pho," parried Jim.
"The book wasn't a best seller," explicated Jason. "Barely
sold two thousand copies. Fewer than five hundred at home. It
never would have bought us a truck."
Jim brushed aside this remark.
"I've been going through this book since we left Saigon.
There's one thing that stands out about its author: she was much
more your daughter than my mother."
"Yes," Jason agreed before switching to LOOP, "but that was
her kiyataga. Time ran out before she could finish her
kiyatakoi."
The next day they caught a flight to Seattle. The two hour
stopover afforded the McGuires the luxury of ordering a pizza from
an airport restaurant. Normally, the inflated price of $10.95
would have annoyed Jim. But $10.95 seemed a cheap price to pay for
something that he would have given his right arm for 48 hours
earlier. Shortly after its arrival at their table the meal was
interrupted by two men. They asked to speak with Jason. Alone.
Jim scrutinized the men. Short hair, clean fingernails,
conservative ties and polished shoes. There were only two
possibilities: they were either G-men or Mormon missionaries.
No one else would be caught dead in such boring attire. These
two made bankers look like fashion plates. But what would
Mormons be doing here? Airports are Hare Krishna turf.
"Do I know you?" asked Grandpa. The heavier of the two men
flashed some identification in front of the older McGuire,
shielding it from Jim's view. Grandpa rolled his eyes impatiently.
Jim discounted the Mormon possibility; this was definitely "the
heat".
"This is my grandson, Jim," introduced Jason. "We may speak
freely here."
The two agents shifted uneasily. The thinner one came to the
point quickly.
"We'd like to know if you encountered anyone of interest to
us."
"I'm sorry if I did not make it sufficiently clear before our
trip," apologized Grandpa politely, "but we will be reporting to
Mrs. Solem. And only Mrs. Solem."
The two agents looked at each other. The heavier one tried a
different tact.
"Perhaps it would be better if we continued this conversation
downtown?"
"Only if the acoustics there are better," volleyed Jason.
"I'm sorry if you are having trouble hearing me here."
The two officers were visibly stunned by this rebuke. The
larger one tilted his head sideways and the two retreated out of
sight.
"Uh, Gramps, maybe you were a little hasty there. Maybe you
shouldn't have rattled their cage so much?"
"How else can we free them from it?" retorted Grandpa. Jim
dropped the subject immediately. Grandpa was obviously in a
formidable mood here and Jim would be no match for him.
The McGuires continued on to Minneapolis to pick up their
truck. Once inside it Jim expressed his eagerness to see home
again.
"We have to go to Hoboken first," declared his grandfather.
"That's not exactly on our way, you know," protested Jim
meekly. It was no use. On to Hoboken.
Grandpa McGuire insisted on stopping at a native museum in
Wisconsin. This would require a two hour detour. Again, Jim knew
better than to argue.
This particular museum amounted to little more than a log
house with some vague relics arranged on tables for display. Jim
was underwhelmed. Jason was transfixed.
"This was the central village of the Aztalan," explained the
curator. "They were the only North American native group to build
permanent shelters. Buildings. They were also the only tribe to
practice cannibalism. They farmed corn. See the kernels there on
the table?"
Jim watched as his grandfather touched each kernel, every
crude tool and most of the bones.
"I've never heard of the Aztalan," observed Jim. "What
happened to them?"
"They were wiped out in the early sixteenth century," answered
the man. "At about the same time that Europeans came to North
America."
"The Aztalan had taught the other tribes a common sign
language," added Grandpa, emerging from his trance. "Because of
this work a Seminole from the Everglades could communicate with a
Carrier native from the Pacific coast.
"The Aztalan also taught the other tribes the ways of peace.
No native American could even form a fist, thanks to the Aztalan
influence. But the Europeans brought war to North America, and the
Aztalan spoke out against any war effort. They were seen as
traitors."
Grandpa looked at Jim intently and said: "Truth is not the
first casualty of war; the people who speak it are."
"Did he say `cannibalism'?" asked Jim.
"The Aztalan ate their parents' remains," explained Grandpa.
"It was a deeply religious ceremony to them. It was the last meal
the parents could provide their children. The ceremony allowed the
parents to live on in their children."
The curator was taken aback by Jason's treatise on the
subject. It exceeded the facts established by archeologists. He
did not want to offend his guests by a correction.
"Very little is known about the Aztalan," he treaded
carefully, eying Jason. "Most experts are not so sure about their
culture or the reason for their demise."
Grandfather McGuire surveyed the grounds with great reverence.
He ran his hands over a near-fossilized stump. This was the main
gate to their village, he contended. Grandpa prostrated himself
near it, claiming that this is where their last chief fell. He
claimed that a collection of stones had once constituted a sacred
fireplace. Pointing a finger at a vacant lot nearby he described
a corn field through which the last of the Aztalan had escaped.
All of this was too much for Jim. He left his grandfather to his
musings and retreated back to the truck. Fifteen minutes later his
grandfather joined him.
"You wanted to go home, Jim," stated Grandpa. "We are there."
After staying overnight somewhere in Indianna they drove on to
Hoboken. Traffic was slow on the Interstate because of a blinding
thunderstorm ahead of them. Aside from a few drops of rain on the
windshield the McGuires were fortunate enough to avoid it.
Just before 9:00 P.M. the truck entered Hoboken. Jason picked
up a street map at a convenience store and got verbal directions to
the Solem house on Firth Street. Unfortunately, he forgot the
directions before he got back to the truck. It took the McGuires
an hour of finger pointing, arguing and wrestling over the
flashlight to navigate the three blocks from the convenience store
to their destination.
Jim parked outside the Solem house. Even in the moonlit
darkness Jim could see that it was a comfortable split level in a
middle class neighbourhood. He turned to his grandfather, waiting
for the old man get out of the truck.
"I can't," announced Grandpa.
"What do you mean, `you can't'?"
"I just don't know what to say to her," insisted Jason.
"Well, you should have thought about that before we drove
here!"
"Jim, I want you to talk to her," decided Grandpa.
"Me! If you don't know what to say to her what do you
think I'm going to say in there?"
"You can do it, Jim. Give her this," ordered Grandpa, handing
Jim the photo album.
Jim gaped at his grandfather. He knew there was little sense
in arguing. Jim grabbed the album, opened the driver door, leapt
out of the truck and slammed the door behind him. He strode up to
the doorway of the house and rang the bell.
"I'll kill him," he promised himself.
A kindly brunette lady in her late thirties opened the wooden
inside door, leaving the outside screen door closed and locked.
She was wearing a pink housecoat over a flowered flannel nightgown.
Upon seeing Jim she instinctively began rearranging her hair. Jim
had expected a matronly woman hardened by the realities of bringing
up two children alone. He was pleasantly surprised. He guessed
that, had the woman been expecting company, she would seem even
more attractive. Her kindly face would be graced with some
blusher, her deep brown eyes better defined by mascara and her
sandy hair would be more carefully combed.
"Mrs. Solem?"
The lady nodded.
"You don't know me. My name is James. James McGuire. My
grandfather--"
"Oh, please...please come in!" she welcomed, unlocking and
opening the screen door.
Jim entered the house. He accepted her offer of tea and
cookies. Mrs. Solem sat her guest down and retreated into the
kitchen. A thought struck Jim: this was the third woman in as
many days that was preparing food for him. Perhaps he should have
declined?
Three minutes later Mrs. Solem reappeared, placing a cup of
tea and some chocolate chip cookies on the end table beside her
guest. She then sat down on the sofa beside Jim.
"Do you have news of my husband?" she asked, clutching her
hands anxiously.
Jim nodded as he groped for something to say.
"Did you see him?"
Again Jim nodded.
"Is he alive?" she wondered.
Jim did not respond immediately. Obviously, this would
require more diplomatic skills than Jim could normally muster. He
clasped his hands for a moment and prepared his explanation. The
delay in his response gave Mrs. Solem the impression that, no, her
husband was not alive. The longer the delay, the deeper the
impression.
Jim was, in fact, only stalling for time until he could think
of something appropriate to say. What would Grandpa do here? Oh,
yeah, he'd wimp out and send in Jim. Alright, what now? Something
caught his eye. Jim fingered a photograph of a young boy holding
a baseball bat.
"This photo here, is this your son?"
"Y-Y-Yes," replied Janet Solem, startled by the change of
subject. "Umm, he's much older now."
"How old was he when this picture was taken?" inquired Jim
with a wan smile.
"Almost six."
"My mother died when I was about that old," continued Jim.
"You know, my first memories were of my mother's funeral. I didn't
know my father. I really don't remember my mother from when she
was alive. But I remember her funeral like it was yesterday. I
was standing beside my grandfather. A little confused. I didn't
understand what was going on when they were lowering her casket
into the ground. `Where's Mommy going?' I asked my grandfather.
Grandpa explained that my mother had `gone inside'. I didn't
understand. I started crying and asked Grandpa what he meant. Was
she going inside that box? Was she going inside the ground?
"Grandpa shook his head. He explained that my mother was
going inside here--he tapped me on my chest--and that she would
live inside me from now on."
Janet Solem's eyes filled with tears as she listened.
"Your husband is not coming home. He has gone inside," Jim
concluded, touching the woman on her chest. "He's gone inside here
now."
There wasn't anything left to say. It was getting late. Jim
excused himself and fled from the house.
Out in the truck again Jim's mood was far less sympathetic.
"What the hell was that all about?" he demanded.
"I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to say--"
"Bullshit!" screamed Jim, "You've never been at a loss for
words in your fucking life!"
Grandpa made no more denials. As Jim turned the truck around
and headed home his grandfather asked him: "How old are you, Jim?"
"You know perfectly well how old I am. I'm thirty nine years
old!"
Jason McGuire stared out the passenger window for a second
before continuing.
"I'm sorry you've had to grow up so fast."
On to Chapter 6
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