Our parents taught us (well, most of us, anyway) that patience, humility, tolerance and perseverance were virtues to be nurtured. Our parents did not play on OKBRIDGE. OKBRIDGE is a universe onto itself, a place of upside down attitudes more akin to Alice in Wonderland than real life. We all agree that there is a premium on subterfuge and deception; these are intrinsic to the game. But many, including myself, were slow to understand that on OKBRIDGE we are measured by another standard. Indeed, in the past, the words "EXPERT" and "ADVANCED" referred to one's abilities as a bridge-player. These terms have been redefined to describe one's level of understanding of the quintessentials of a good OKBRIDGE player: Impatience This is the touchstone of the truly great ones. Disc anyone with fluctuating pings immediately. You are here to demonstrate what a busy person you are; what better way than to type "play pls" whenever anyone at the table pauses for a nanosecond to reflect? Missing a 4th? No problem: just "jello" (i.e. flood) the lobby with twenty consecutive "Need one at WildBoor's NOW!" requests until some unsuspecting lurker relents. At trick twelve always insist that Declarer claim--even though this will take longer than playing the few remaining cards. Remember: your purpose is not to save time but to demonstrate your mastery of the art of Impatience. Shortness This does not refer to one's physical height, of course. Nor does it refer to a void, singleton or doubleton. The true OKBRIDGE expert understands that "Shortness" refers to one's time spent with partners who have just misplayed a hand. This virtue is usually displayed by that famous phrase: "Last hand for me!" OKBRIDGE experts who do not wish to leave the table themselves can usually effect their partner's departure with sharply worded interrogation of their "3rd opponent's" play or bidding. Copious question marks are considered de rigeur here. Of the advanced OKBRIDGER's talents, few are more critical than the ability to be critical. Hauteur Humility is the sign of a complete outsider to the OKBRIDGE experience. Advanced OKBRIDGERs have evolved to such an august level that they proudly proclaim their inability to "suffer fools gladly". In this case, "fool" refers to anyone silly enough to play with them. The truly great OKBRIDGERs wish to impress upon you not only that they were born much more clever than the rest of us but that this disparity in intelligence has been the bane of their existence ever since. This, alone, distinguishes them from the rest of us (who would be more than happy with the situation). Intolerance The Great Ones have little regard for foreign systems or languages in their domain. In their opinion, the faster OKBRIDGE is "ACBL-ized", the better. The quicker we do away with gadgetry and science the sooner we can get down to playing "real" bridge where "bridge judgement" rules supreme. And don't be the person to ask why anyone with "bridge judgement" would want to restrict play to straight-up "no frills" SAYC or 2/1 GF! As for those whose English skills do not match the OKBRIDGE expert's, advanced OKBRIDGERs wonder: where did these "foreigners" get the notion that the Internet is for everyone? Tsk, tsk. Unintelligibility This is the most obvious sign that we are in the presence of an OKBRIDGE master. Why should they speak clearly when they can use the acronyms and symbols that only fellow OKBRIDGERs understand? What if a newcomer is foolhardy enough to ask for an explanation of one of these cryptic "stroke-savers"? The true OKBRIDGE expert will let the question hang in cyberspace rather than answer it. This gives onlookers ample time to note which person has mastered the art of speaking gibberish and which player hasn't. And, lest anyone think that the OKBRIDGE expert is concealing poor typing skills, the master will subtly follow this silence with a long diatribe about partner's inadequacies--entered at 100 words per minute. Besides, the advanced one will explain, what business do newbies have being on OKBRIDGE in the first place? Consistent with the virtue of Intolerance, advanced OKBRIDGERs wonder: why they should put up with those who don't speak the lingo?
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