FIRESIDE CHAT APRIL 2002
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome and Announcements
Believer's FireSide Kindling
Bidding with Bridgboy
Pomo's Pointers
This is Your Captain Speaking
Just Jill
Dealing With Dann
Moogal's FireSide Log
Ian's Partnership Stuff
Special Treats
Treble's Table Talk
And Finally Kaltica
=======================================
WELCOME AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
Hi all!
Welcome to the April, 2002 issue of FireSide
Chat, our monthly newsletter written for and about
our FireSide friends and events.
We hope you enjoy all of this month's articles and
features. Please feel free to write to us with any
comments, questions, ideas, or whatever, that you may
wish to share. This newsletter is for and about you,
and we want you to feel welcome to participate. Just
email Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com or Moogal
at Moocake@aol.com.
A special thanks to all of you who have been sending
us contributions for our "giggle breaks". We appreciate
everything you send, and use as many as we can. Keep
'em coming, please! :-)
Please remember that the Bridgementor-L mail list
is available for discussions of bridge topics,
and, more importantly, as a forum in which you can
find immediate answers to your bridge questions.
To join, go to www.bridgementor.com and click on the
link for the discussion list.
OKbridge also offers us an email discussion opportunity,
the Discuss List. You can join that list by emailing them
at Discuss-Request@okbridge.com and put the word 'subscribe'
in the subject line. You can also participate in the
discussions via the OKbridge website now, just go to the
members area at www.okbridge.com and you'll find the Discuss
List there at the bottom of your opening page.
You can now find our "FireSide Chat" posted at Colin's
FireSide website. Just go to:
http://www.members.shaw.ca/firesiders/thechat.htm
to read our current issue online, or to read any back issues,
starting with the October 2001 issue. Any issues before
October can be found at the OKbridge website.
FireSide also provides us with a "hand of the week"
feature. Go to our Hand of the Week site:
http://www.members.shaw.ca/firesiders/fireside.htm
to check out the fun.
If, for any reason, you do not wish to receive
these mailings, please write to Believer at
sarastobbe@aol.com to be removed
from our mailing list.
===========================================
CURRENT FIRESIDE SCHEDULE
Day Pacific Time Commentator
MONDAY 11:00 A.M. POOKA
MONDAY 5:30 P.M. BRIDGBOY
TUESDAY 11:00 A.M. BRIDGBOY
TUESDAY 8:00 P.M. CAPTAIN
WEDNESDAY 11:00 A.M. FREDW3
WEDNESDAY 5:30 P.M. PAMA
THURSDAY 11:00 A.M. POOKA
THURSDAY 5:30 P.M. RAIJA AND POMO
FRIDAY 11:00 A.M. BLUEBEE
FRIDAY 5:30 P.M. KALTICA
SATURDAY 11:00 A.M. WINTAKA/CAPTAIN
Commentators may change without notice,
according to their availability.
*************************
Although there is no set fee for participating in
these "open to all" sessions, please note that FireSide
Bidding Practice Sessions operate with the support of
those in attendance. For information about how to
become a supporting member, please contact Kaltica at
cpw@escape.ca, Moogal at moocake@aol.com, or
Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com
Thanks to all of you for supporting the FireSide sessions
in all the many different ways you have of doing so.
*************************
All articles herein (c) 2002 by FireSide Chat.
All rights reserved.
===============================================
BELIEVER'S FIRESIDE KINDLING
============================
This issue of the newsletter happens to mark our
two-year anniversary -- we mailed out our very first
'FireSide Chat' in April 2000. Where did the time go?
We sure have had a lot of fun in the last two years --
we hope you did too. We're looking forward to this
next year -- who knows what neat stuff we'll be sharing
and learning through the year!
Speaking of sharing....
We Get Mail
Physical exercise is good for you.
I know that I should do it daily, but my
body doesn't want me to do too much,
so I have worked out this program of
strenuous activities that do not require
physical exercise. You are invited
to use my program without charge:
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now,
and sit down. I think I need a rest....!
**************
Hi all! I sure wish I could take credit for the above
piece, but I can't. Dunno who wrote it -- I got it from
Janice, and I know it's making the rounds. But it
tickled my fancy and I decided to 'steal' it and use
it in my column this month :-)
I have some other neat stuff you guys sent in this
month to share with us all ... read on ....
***************
Subj:Fireside Newsletter
Date:3/2/2002 12:10:52 PM Eastern Standard Time
From:eleanorg@mindspring.com
To:SaraStobbe@aol.com
This is a letter to all the very nice teachers who give
so generously of their time and expertise to our
Fireside meetings and Newsletter. I try, now and then,
to email them to tell them how much I appreciate their
columns and comments.
Unfortunately, my eyesight and memory do not always
co-operate, and I get a LOT of returned email. I'm sorry,
but I do tend to give up on trying.
So, for any of you who didn't get a letter of thanks, please
consider this as it. And I think it definitely needs to go in
print how much we all appreciate Sara's time and effort in
this project.
Sara, if you don't include this message in the next NL, I
have a couple of viruses in reserve and I can cause a lot
of damage..........Trust me, don't risk it!!!!!
Eleanor
--------------
Thanks, Eleanor! I wouldn't DARE not print your letter after
that dire warning!
Sure feels good when someone takes the time to let us know
they appreciate what we do here. I'd like to take advantage of
this reminder from Eleanor to mention the very wonderful group
of folks who help us with this newsletter.
I'll be the first to admit that it does take a lot of time and energy
to put this newsletter together every month. We love doing it --
but it's WORK!
Janice and I spend many MANY hours editing and rewriting.
I may be the one who actually does the mailings, but we both
work hard to make things as smooth and fun to read as we
can. It's a juggling act sometimes, for sure, and most of the
articles have both of our personal interpretations worked
into them... we also pick the brains of a few special friends
who've been invaluable in helping to 'keep us honest'. Eric
is a huge help when it comes to keeping our balance, Tuna
helps to keep us out of any 'ethics' situations, Colin keeps us
on the diplomatic straight and narrow, and of course all of our
commentators and writers help keep us out of trouble when
it comes to technical issues.
I can't possibly name all of you who help us out from month
to month. A few that I tend to call on regularly -- and really
really appreciate! -- are Laura for her proofreading skills,
Guido for his wisdom and guidance, Ian for his objectivity
and good humo(u)r, Dann for his moral support and advice,
and Nina for her friendship, encouragement, and patience
with my whining. And, of course, all of you who send in jokes
for our giggle breaks!
Just like the FireSide sessions, this newsletter is very much a
team effort, and I want to thank the whole team for that effort.
*************************
And from Benson:
I had some free time, so what did I do?
I checked the computer to see if I'd heard from you!
I use to walk out to a box to retrieve mail.
But I'd rather get it instantly, than wait on the snail!
Checking my e-mail is always fun!
I usually get a joke or greeting from someone.
I feel so blessed because on the other end,
I know I've connected with a friend!
When I've had a hard day and need to share,
Here I can find a friend who will listen and care.
And to this friend I hope I've let them know
That I am always there for them also!
Isn't it a strange kind of bond we form?
It isn't exactly like the "norm"!
But where is it written, face to face we must be,
For you to be a very good friend to me?
That little joke or note, or just a simple "Hi,"
Could be like a ray of sunshine from the sky!
So my E-mail Pals, this is dedicated to you,
For all the smiles you have made anew!
May our friendship continue to grow,
And the warmth we feel continue to flow!
Always remember this...
A smile is such an easy thing to pass along the way,
Like a ray of summer sunshine,
On a somewhat gloomy day!!
Thank you for being my E-mail Pal!!!
*************************
I love that poem. It says so much of what I feel every time I
get an email from one of you.
Thanks for writing my column this month :-)
Keep those letters coming in! We love to hear from you.
(I do have one request though -- please don't send your
jokes to me as attachments or forwards. Since I opened
one and got a virus, I have gotten very wary of opening
attachments. I know I'm missing a lot of great jokes by
not opening them, but I just don't feel it's worth taking that
chance. Please, please copy and paste them when you
send them to me. Thanks :-) -- Sara)
*************************
You can write to Believer (Sara Stobbe) at:
sarastobbe@aol.com
============================================
GIGGLE BREAK
We got this one from Itsme, and several others --
seems to be a favorite for some reason!
WHY BRIDGE IS BETTER THAN SEX
1. You don't have to hide your bridge magazines.
2. It is perfectly acceptable to hire a pro to play bridge
with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about bridge.
4. If your partner takes pictures of you at the table, you don't
have to worry about them showing up in the tabloids when
you become famous.
5. Your partner doesn't become upset about people you
played bridge with long ago.
6. It is perfectly acceptable to play bridge with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good bridge player, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you at the table
together.
8. When your regular partner is not available, he/she will not mind
if you play bridge with someone else.
9. No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play
bridge by yourself.
10. When dealing with a bridge pro, you never have to worry
that they are an undercover cop.
11. You can have a bridge calendar on your wall at the office, tell
bridge jokes and invite co-workers to play bridge without being
sued for harassment.
12. There are no bridge transmitted diseases (except the compulsion
to play more bridge).
13. You don't have to lock the door when you play bridge on the
internet, and when you visit a bridge website you won't get
emails from asianteenagesluts.com for the rest of your life.
14. Nobody expects you to play bridge with the same partner for
the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up bridge if your partner loses
interest in it.
16. You can still do it in your 80's, and people won't gasp in horror
if they find out.
17. Your bridge partner will never say, " Not again, we just played
bridge last week! Is Bridge all you ever think about?"
Oops!.... maybe they will!
=============================================
BIDDING WITH BRIDGBOY
=====================
This month I am venturing into murky waters as I present a
topic which will be foreign to most. I strongly believe
in the pass as an effective strategy when deciding if I
should open the bidding one of a suit. Most of us are not
world class declarers or defenders, so we should not try
to emulate those that can get away with stretching the
envelope!
Does it not make sense if you are in a tough contract to
have a little extra in your opening bids? And will partner
appreciate knowing he can make a close penalty X at a low
level (the most lucrative option usually) and not fear your
opening bid was made on fumes rather than substance?
Passing light hands is a technique that bears some thought,
so today let us try and begin a series of articles on just
that topic. We are talking about those balanced 12 and 13
point hands that appear to be too tempting to the masses
to pass when in reality they can cause us such sorrow that
we forget the reason for the poor score and blame it on luck
or the cards, but certainly not on the opening bid!
Let us begin to list some of the pros and cons of opening
these light balanced hands. I see many more cons than pros
so I will start there.
When you open, partner will expect certain fundamental values
and will try and add those to his hand to determine how high
to bid. Unfortunately, constant light openers lead to minus
scores from overbidding by partner whether in a contested
auction or not. He will be looking at his 11 or 12 points
also and once a fit is established, you hear a leap to game,
sadly down because you may not be able to bring off the
miracle endplay or double squeeze. Or worse he has a good
hand and you are spiraling toward slam with no chance of
success opposite some 17-point hand that he thinks will look
nice opposite your opener! Being down at the five or six level
throws away your game bonus and hurts partnership morale.
When we open light we are also telling the opponents something.
Unfortunately, they are listening and placing cards based on
our bidding. The pass will also tell them something but it will
not be as easy to decipher, but more on that later. Our light
opening strategy also backfires when we push the opponents into
a game they would never have considered if we had just kept
silent.
Now I can almost see those that subscribe to opening light turning
to the next article. If I can keep your attention a moment longer,
maybe I can get you to admit that opening light only works against
weaker opponents in match-point games. If you are playing in a
strong field or in a team game you are not going to push around
the better players -- the ones who will not be afraid if you strike
the first blow and open, because they know how to sit back and
listen and then judge whether to balance or not. You may be able
to steal from the lesser player or occasionally get to a miracle
game, but overall your strategy is going to be very hard on the
partnership because it will create doubt as to whether partner
really means it or not this time!!
Being able to trust partner's bids will always be the first
principle of a successful partnership. Only if this partnership
is built on a sound philosophy can the pair ever expect to do
consistently well.
Stay tuned.
*************************
You can find Bridgboy (Bob Lavin) doing his FireSide
sessions on Monday evenings at 5:30 p.m, and Tuesdays
at 11:00 a.m. OKbridge time.
Anyone interested in one-on-one lessons on any topic of
the game may contact Bob at bridgboy@charter.net
====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Pringle for the following tidbits:
Did you know .........
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand
(or attempted to do so - apart from bones).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on
July 16, 1969,make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
=====================================================
POMO'S POINTERS
================
Counting Points
In Defense
Every bridge player has learned to count points, and routinely counts
on each and every hand, if for no other reason than partner may ask
you when the hand is over. This point counting process should be used
on all hands, whether for determining what bid (if any) could be made
or just general information about the entire hand to be used while
defending.
How might this help? The declarer's general strength is usually known
by way of listening to the bidding and assessing what their messages
(bids) are telling each other about the two opponents' hands. For
example, they bid up to 3NT on a normal sounding auction, and you
find that you have 13 points in your hand. How many points
does partner have? RIGHT!! Almost none. Therefore, if you think
partner has some mysterious Ace or King lurking around to help your
side....forget it!
This example is extreme - but the principle is the same on ALL hands.
After you see dummy, simply add your points, dummy's points and
declarer's assumed points (take the middle number of a known range -
if 13-15 .. use 14). Now subtract from the total points available
(40) and you know (within one point) what your partner holds.
The game is much easier to play knowing what you might find (or
what is not possible to find) in partner's hand. As the first few
tricks are played, you are narrowing down the whole picture of
partner's holdings.
Try this situation:
DUMMY
S 9753
H 4
D 963
C AQ964
PARTNER YOUR HAND
????? S 84
H J3
D KJ872
C KT53
DECLARER
?????
The bidding:
1H p 1S P
2H p p p
Partner leads: DT
Think about what the declarer's hand is....impossible, you say? You
know more than anyone might think....if you work at it. First, how
many points does declarer have? 12-15 (say 13). Dummy has
six, and you have eight (27 total). That leaves about 12-13 points
for partner.
The opening lead is clearly a doubleton (seeing the D9 in dummy).
That means declarer has three Diamonds headed by the A-Q to go with
the known six card Heart suit. What about the Spades? If partner had
five good Spades, why not overcall with 12-13 points? Simple answer
-- he has only a four card Spade suit. Why not lead them? Must be an
awkward holding -- not A-K or K-Q-J, but more likely A-Q-J or A-Q-10.
Therefore, declarer has exactly three Spades to the King, and that
leaves only a singleton Club.
Wasn't that easy? You can do the same type of thinking on about
85% of the hands, and make yourself into a super defender. Just
count the points!
*************************
You can find Pomo and Raija doing their FireSide sessions
on Thursday evenings at 5:30 p.m. OKbridge time.
(Except the second Thursday of the month, when the Fifth
Chair's Novice/Mentor Tourney is held.)
You can email Pomo at: reisig@oco.net
======================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
We got this joke from several of you -- thanks to you all!
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name
had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing
him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding,
gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been
my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the
local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1962."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
=================================================
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING
============================
Rectifying the Count
Have you heard the term "Rectifying the Count"? It is a term
used to describe the first steps of planning a squeeze play.
Basically it involves reducing everyone's length in losers so
that they succumb to your nefarious plans to squeeze them.
Rectifying the count. Here's how it works:
IMPs east
Vul: Both S AKJT3
H AT2
D AK
C AQ7
north south
S 8752 S 6
H J7 H KQ654
D T9764 D QJ8
C 92 C J865
west
S Q94
H 983
D 532
C KT43
Dlr: West
North East South West
pass
pass 3NT pass 4NT
pass 6NT
Opening Lead: HK
You have 11 tricks off the top, and the club suit looks like
your best hope for a 12'th.
Do you play for clubs 3-3 (about 36%) or the finesse (about 50%)?
Actually, the play for 3-3 is not 36% in this case. In fact, it is
slightly better than 50% as it wins in 4-2 situations where the J
comes down (note the value of the club ten).
Solution to the correct play? Try for the 3-3 or the 4-2 with jack of
clubs falling.
But first, "rectify the count"! There is still another hope. If
hearts are 5-2 the person holding the club jack may have the
long heart!
So, at trick one, duck the heart, and the count is rectified. Now
cash all your winners, and watch for that heart ten to grow. If it
is not a winner after cashing all your other winners, plan to cash
four clubs as the final act.
Try it on paper here. And then try it again without ducking a heart
trick early.
*************************
You will find Captain (Andy Anderson) doing his
FireSide sessions on Tuesday evenings, at 8:00 P.M.
OKbridge time, and every other Saturday at 11:00 A.M.
Captain is a full time instructor on OKbridge,
offering group or individual lessons for anyone
ranging from novice to advanced players.
Email Andy for more information - andy@imagewireless.ca
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to BobW for this one:
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, you may be asked
to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to
be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic, by
professionals.
====================================================
Just Jill
======
Practice Bidding
================
Practice bidding, thinking hard,
How shall I respond to pard?
Choosing just the thing to state;
Learning to communicate.
Points to open? Overcall?
(Partner's patient while I stall...)
Looking for a major fit,
Name another suit or quit?
What is natural, what is not?
One-round forcing? I got squat!
Maybe now's the time to pass?
No way to show spades? Alas!
Feeling like I've got it now;
After all, it's not the Tao!
Brave enough to wing a few...
Say! Let's play with you-know-who!
North is partner; Ian's East
(Confidence somewhat decreased)
Guido has position 'West'
Sitting South, I'll do my best.
North is dealer: There goes pard!
See, that didn't look so hard;
Count my points and be prepared
For anything that gets declared.
Partner opens 1NT
Answer Stayman? Make a jump?
While I work out where to go...
East just stole my bid! Oh no!
What does Yellow Card allow?
What would double say here now?
If I open up my mouth,
Will a fight break out North-South?
Under pressure, feeling stressed,
Doubled one more time by West;
Trying not to feel too dumb,
Make mistakes and learn from some.
Funny how the bidding goes,
'Specially with worthy foes;
Different system, strange defense,
Sometimes I feel very dense.
Trying not to feel dismayed
'Bout the way I bid... and played!
"What's the goal?" my partner cues,
"Enjoy the game! Win or lose!"
................................
(c)Copyright 2002 by Jill Wilson
*************************
You can write to Jill at: ilovechocolate@earthlink.net
===================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to AFBZ for this giggle:
ONLY IN TEXAS
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes
a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked
outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, (it was a
fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and
then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the
parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you
to accompany me to the Police Station, this Breathalyzer equipment
must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
==================================================
DEALING WITH DANN
==================
A Little Thanks to My Friends
Beatles fans, excuse the title. I am watching the Academy
Awards (yes I'm a married man), and the clips of the Beatles
in the documentary section got me thinking about all my friends
that I have met through Fireside (it was either that, or actually
watch the Oscars.)
So, I would like to say 'thank you' to all my friends;
those who regularly attend my sessions -- it is always
nice to see you out.
Some special 'thanks' I want to pass along -- it was great
to get some birthday cards for my birthday, let alone a
"Happy Birthday" song on my answering machine from
England (that would be Jane [Neophyte]'s fault with help of
her daughter).
While we are on the birthday surprise cards and packages,
Sara certainly requires a THANK YOU! -- and as much as it
kills me to write it -- here you go, to put in print, "GO WINGS
GO!!! ALL The Way To the STANLEY CUP!!!"
(alright debt paid -- I still am an Oiler fan -- don't tell Sara
tho.)
Last, and miles from being least, I would like to thank Deb
Wayne (Fpdoc) for a great sectional in Great Falls MT.
(Pun intended)
After picking her up at the airport, filling out a card, quick rest
and dinner, we (ok I was driving) then couldn't find the Bridge
Club -- site of the tourney. By some lucky fate we found it just in
time (OK Deb would you belive only 7 minutes late?) and, with
a 1/2 table waiting for us, we were readily accommodated .
After our grand entrance, we of course won (Deb had no time to
be nervous and played great.) Not only did we win fancy coffee
mugs and buckets of silver points, we were listed in the newspaper
the following week as champions!
I feel that while I am passing out thank-you's, I should thank
the whole Fireside team; table managers, 'Chat' editors,
(especially for gracefully dealing with chronic late submissions),
commentators and last -- but by no means least -- our supporting
attendees -- without whom this would all cease to exist!
Thank you all very much for your contributions which keep
this all going -- and me in contact with my friends.
Happy Easter and bridging all!!!
Dann (POOKA) Kramer
*******************
You will find Pooka (Dann Kramer) doing his FireSide
sessions on Monday and Thursday mornings, at 11:00 a.m.
OKbridge time.
Dann is available for one-on-one lessons, group mentoring
sessions, and/or tourney play.
For more information, write Dann at: Dann-Kramer@shaw.ca
===================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Tuna for this giggle:
Rules for cats to live by
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand
on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental
rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for
"hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner
so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the
paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to
jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then
lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get
up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of
the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between
their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which
they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once
you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and
kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face,
turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so
do it often.
And don't forget guests.
================================================
MOOGAL'S FIRESIDE LOG
======================
OKB Tourney News
Sun Mar 3 11:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 Kaltica/Moogal 2.37 26
It's a good thing I don't have to list our DFL finishes
also! Hey, it's my column! :)
---------------
Sat Mar 23 10:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 luckylu/pama 3.56 11
Congrats to Pam and Tina !!
---------------
Sun Mar 24 11:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 ecofin/jccasper 3.52 25
---------------
Wed Mar 27 19:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 ecofin/jccasper 3.67 12
Reporting wins for our sadly-ex-commentator Dale and his
pard JC is getting to be a habit!
---------------
Sat Mar 30 10:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 dloye/Frodo 2.50 12
Hooray for Gail and D'loye! We're proud of you! :)
**********************************************************
Novice Mentor Tourney
Congrats to Lynkos and Rickb, winners of this month's
Fifth Chair Novice Mentor Tourney!
Our top finishers:
Thu Mar 14 18:00 2002
Rank Team Score
1 lynkos/rickb 60.74
2 bs3nt/cwall 59.00
3 AndyEdw/sue1 55.74
4 Kaltica/Tara 55.69
5 hawes/sala 53.15
6 cosomo/riggin 52.13
7 gordon/oliebell 51.95
8 curls/mam105 51.11
Mentors and novices, join us this month on the 11th!
Email me at moocake@aol.com or Sandra (SANDREE) at
sandree@attbi.com if you would like to find a partner
ahead of time. We'll do our best to match you up!
I promise you a fun evening. :)
Thanks to Laurie (BAGEL27) for all her work on behalf
of the N-M tourney, as she turns over the reins to
Sandra, so that she can concentrate on other Fifth
Chair activities! And welcome Sandra!
***************************************************************
Mentor Cup Team Game:
March 17: Team DLOYE: Dloye, Gunne, Glyder22,
Meerkat and Raybou
March 31: Team ANDRE55: Andre55, Jundith,
Hawes, and Janete
Well done to all of you and to our other top
finishers -- see who they are on our webpage at:
www.escape.ca/~cpw/mtc.htm
Email me at Moocake@aol.com to get on the reminder
list for these games. All welcome!
***************************************************************
Congrats to Elvee on the birth of his Grandson, Paul!!
Best wishes to Mom, Dad, baby and GRANDPARENTS!!!
***************************************************************
Pam (PAMA) is not only our newest commentator, she might be
our most determined! Traveling on business the entire month,
she didn't miss a session, and even managed to honor
previous commitments to sub! All this while racking up
$8 an hour ISP charges, as she didn't have a local number
to dial. Even terrible connections didn't deter her,
asking her TMs to serve, and hopping back and forth from
spec. If you see her, please let her know how much
we appreciate her dedication!
Pam passed along the following true story about Bob and
Petra Hamman, courtesy of her friend Stewart (MONGO) who
was an opp at the table when this occurred last year.
Here's how Stewart tells it:
"In the third round of the Swiss Monday, we drew Bob Hamman's
team (Bob and Petra Hamman, Mike and Nancy Passell)
"On the second board, Petra opened 1H, and with pard and I
silent, their auction was 1H-2C-2D-2NT-4NT-6C. Pard led a
spade, I won my ace and returned a spade to his king for
down 1. At that time Petra said "Great bid, Bob!"
"Bob replied, "Very sorry, pard. but don't be too hard on me,
I've had a hard life. My first wife died from eating poison
mushrooms, and my second wife also died from eating poison
mushrooms. My third wife died from a blow to the head. She
wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
"I laughed as did my pard and Bob chuckled. Petra was NOT
amused. :-)"
Stewart
***************************************************************
D'loye (DLOYE) has received her plaque for winning the FireSide
Gator, and now you can see it too! Take a peek at
http://www.members.shaw.ca/firesiders/gator.htm
The pic takes a while to load, so type in the URL then go
get your coffee:)
Now that you've seen it, we know you are jealous, so if you
want one just like it, stay tuned for info on our next event,
the TriFACTa! You're gonna love this one! :))
***************************************************************
Another Angel among us! And this one gives me great pleasure
to note. Here is the write-up from the Spectator in case you
miss it!
--------------------
"Eric Sandberg "Etsand" of Texas USA is our Angelfish for April.
"Moogal is an acquaintance of Eric and feels he is deserving of
this award in many ways and offers one compelling example in her
nominating letter:
"Love the new Minis! It's always nice to play against friendly
folks and we were fortunate to encounter Etsand as an opponent
in one of them. He was playing with a pickup partner who bid
Michaels on the following auction:
1S 2S P 2nt!
P 3H all pass
"After the hand (down many), his pard typed "Don't you play
Michaels???". What might your response be? Eric's was "Let's
play 2NT as asking for your minor, ok?"
Who wouldn't want this guy for a partner?!
---------------
Congrats Eric!
***************************************************************
Interested in studying the SARC notes but are more comfortable
with French than English? No problem! Andre (ANDRE55) did
some serious work and has translated them into French, posted
to his website:
http://www.attcanada.net/~andre55.msn/sarc.htm
Did you sneak in the Martian 3NT, Andre?? :)
Andre also alerts us to the fact that the French-Canadian bridge
magazine "Cartes sur Table", now has an English version of
their 2/1 Problems Contest. It's a fun one....just to go to
this URL.:
http://www.fqjr.qc.ca/bridge/lbsl/CST/ME/MEIX-eng.html
But do it quickly, April 5th is the dateline for this one!
***************************************************************
Have some fun and try Richard Pavlicek's
declarer play contest for April!
Keep the Ship Afloat
http://www.rpbridge.net/7v73.htm
His March bidding contest, Aces and Plum Blossoms, is now
closed. You can try it as a quiz at
http://www.rpbridge.net/7w73.htm
or, if you entered, go directly to the analysis at
http://www.rpbridge.net/7w80.htm
The last two URL's will become Active on April 3.
* * * * *
Special congrats to Richard and his teammies on their
fine performance in the Vanderbilt! Well done!
100.00 3/4 Richard Pavlicek, Fort Lauderdale FL; Michael
Polowan - Chris Willenken, New York NY; Ron
Smith, San Francisco CA
================
On a sad note, the recent death of Bill Root was
especially wrenching for Richard, and he quickly
wrote the following for a local publication:
Foresight on Defense
by Richard Pavlicek
Sadly, in March the bridge world lost one of its great
icons in Bill Root, my longtime friend and regular partner
in major events from 1977-96. Almost every bridge player
knew about Mr. Root through his teaching, or his bridge books,
or his popular cruises; but I had the pleasure of witnessing
his skills firsthand at the card table. Many times over the
years, I marveled at his foresight and asked myself: Would
I have found that play? At least, if I can answer yes today,
it is likely that his influence was a factor.
This deal from the Toronto Nationals in 1992 is a case in
point. Bill was West and I was East, and our opponents bid
routinely to game as shown.
4 H by South
E-W Vul
S Q932
H QT92
D AK4
C T4
S A S JT87
H 7543 H 6
D T75 D Q982
C KQJ95 C 8762
S K654
H AKJ8
D J63
C A3
Lead: C K
West North East South
1NT
Pass 2C Pass 2H
Pass 4H All Pass
Bill led the CK to declarer's ace as I played the seven
(our practice was to show count in this situation). Two
rounds of trumps revealed the 4-1 break as I pitched a club.
Declarer next led a low spade to Bill's blank ace and I
played the eight (also count). As West, what would you do
now?
Almost in straight tempo, Bill shifted to a *diamond*.
Beautiful! This was essential to defeat the contract. If
he had cashed his club trick as most defenders would (or
led a heart), declarer could succeed by an eventual endplay
against me. The thoughtful diamond shift allowed Bill to
regain the lead in clubs to lead a second diamond to foil
any attempt by declarer. Now that's what I call a great
partner.
---------------
Our condolences to you, Richard, and to Mr. Root's family.
***************************************************************
Happy Easter Birthday to Olivia (BAOL)!! Today (March 31) is
her birthday and it is a special one! I'll let her explain:
"This is the 5'th time in my lifetime that my birthday anniversary
has fallen on Easter Sunday. It will happen again in 2013 and I
hope that at 96 in that year I will still be around playing bridge
to celebrate. Incidentally, I have a 15 year old granddaughter
who is celebrating her birthday today and my mother was also born
on March 31. My other grandaughter will be 13 on Easter Sunday
next year."
---------------
I'm betting on that birthday bridge game in 2013, Olivia! Best
wishes from all of us!
******************************************************************
I love reporting on OKBers getting together! Our angelfish Imogene
(LOL6013) was delighted to get to play live bridge with an OKB buddy,
Gordon (GORDON) in Hilton Head:
"I had met Gordon once before this tourney when he and his wife
stopped by to visit with me, and we play on OKB when we can...so
we have kept this wonderful friendship going!! Gordon's brother has
a place at Hilton Head for several months every year, and it
coincided with the Hilton Head tourney (what luck!). Gordon was
invited to visit his brother...SOOOOO...a great opportunity to
play! We played a double session -- had a wonderful time -- didn't
win place or show -- but it was great to play together. Another OKB
miracle -- the friends we make!!!!"
-----------------
To which Gordon added just one word..."Amen!"
***************************************************************
Houston Happenings!
I was so lucky to have the chance to travel to Houston this
past month. As always, the Nationals are a ton of fun, with
the bridge playing incidental to the enjoyment! Hey, if we
want to play bridge much easier just to log onto OKB! :)
I flew in on Friday, and was panicked about Eric (ETSAND)
finding me at the airport, as we had never met before. But
no problem, not too hard to spot a big guy wearing an OKB
sweatshirt! :)
*BIG* hugs, and then off to the burbs to meet his family...
his wife, Ann, and their two adorable girls. No surprise, his
wife is lovely, and she showed great restraint in not introducing
me to their girls as "another one of those bridge nuts". :)
A nice leisurely dinner and then a quick visit to the playing
site. Unfortunately the amount of wine at dinner precluded us
from taking advantage of an offer to fill in mid round that
night. :)
Saturday and Sunday had to actually play some bridge! Eric had
arranged for us to team up with two local partners who also play
on OKB....Jonathan (Jharrish) and Ken (Ken_B). Hey, me and three
young good looking guys...life is good! Now if I can only
follow suit!
We didn't shine but we did OK....winning a bracket 8 consolation
KO, and 4th in D flight Swissies. Next time! And I had *the
best* teammies, so glad to finally meet them. After I left, Eric and
Jonathan won another consolation KO, and Jonathan won a bracket
3 KO outright! Forgot to tell them my number 1 partnership rule,
they were supposed to fall apart without me.:))
The good news, for someone like me who has played live bridge now
FOUR times total....I didn't revoke, bid out of turn, or lead out
of turn (Helped that Eric would tackle me across the table
when I tried to:))
Did mistakenly call out 'TUNA!!' once when I needed the TD:))
And loved the socializing! A highlight was meeting Lucy (LUC) --
she amazed us all with her wit and charm. I swear she is 20 years
younger than she claims to be! Thrilled to see Gail (GAIL37) again
....Ran into Bob (Bridgboy) and Patricia, who had several good
results, including a 5th overall in Flight A pairs.
You may remember Louis (LOUISG) from Monday night Firesides,
before Bob joined us. It was a pleasure to meet and have dinner
with him! A charming guy!
Also got to meet Howard (CaptHook), as friendly as he is online!
Take a look at the pics! www.mts.net/~kaltica/houston.htm
Pay particular attention to the pic of me with Eric and Louis,
and note the pill bottle in Eric's hand, after only TWO
rounds with me!:)
Actually, it was one of the daily 'snacks' they give out, and the
cutest one I have seen so far...a Walgreen's pill bottle filled
with M&M's...label read:
Bridge Tranquilizers
(Relief from lucky opponents)
Opponent doubles bid--1 yellow
Partner passes your short club bid--1 red
Outstanding trumps in one hand--1 blue
Your highest card is 10--2 blue
Can't remember what's been played--2 red
Partner trumps your ace--1 of each
Partner passes 2 club opener--all at once
Thanks Walgreen's! Loved it:)
Sadly, had to head home Monday morning, but what a positive
experience! I'm always scared that *this time* nationals
will be a disappointment, and I am always wrong!
-------------------
Here's what your other friends had to say....
First Gail---
"Wow! What a great time I had at the Houston NABC's! I dragged
Lucy (LUC) kicking and screaming to the tourney. We played
Friday (a 52% game), Saturday afternoon (coming in 2nd in C,
3rd in A & B) and again on Sunday afternoon (a session we do not
want to discuss.) This was Lucy's very first tourney of any sort
and she had only played once before at a club with bid boxes,
directors and having to sort hands! She later played with a
pick-up pd and placed again, winning .25 red points... she now
is the proud owner of 1.02 points! So congratulate her when
you see her. And wish her happy birthday, too! She's about to
be mmmph-ty yrs old (I'm not supposed to tell!).
"Saturday, while waiting for the elevator to go up to Lucy's
room, Jan (MOOGAL) walked out of the elevator. After hugging
and kissing and saying how great it was to see each other again,
and of course missing the up elevator, we went up to Lucy's room
and giggled and tee-hee'd there too!
"I played some KO's myself with a friend I first met in Toronto,
met again in Las Vegas and then she came to Salt Lake. We did
quite well, winning our first 2 matches, but losing our 3rd :((
The good news is we won 3.22 gold points! My first gold! Never
thought I'd get any.
"Played Swiss teams with Eric Friday night. Unfortunately we
didn't do too well, but it was nice to play with him again. He
was a real support when I was living in Texas!
"Can't wait til July and Washington, DC.
"See you all there!"
Gail
******************************
A little birdie told me that Gail is
celebrating her 65th bithday on April 3!
Happy Happy Happy Birthday and many more!
-------------------
And now you will see just how delightful Lucy is:
"Dear OKbridgers,
"I never stop trying to keep up with the rest of the world as
it flies by at a most dizzy pace. Sooo, I ventured to Houston
for the ACBL Spring Convention. I wanted to see in person what
was going on that interested so many people.
"Now this didn't just spring from my mind. I was invited by
Gail37 to go with her to Las Vegas or Houston -- take my choice.
Houston sounded much farther off in time. I made the logical
decision to go with Gail in that direction.
"This also gave me several more months to try to learn to play
this intriguing game called bridge or in which to wheedle out
of going. As time went by, the latter became my intention as
I didn't seem to learn much. At least not enough to compete
with the "real" bridge players. So as the months went by, I
haunted FireSides, grasping at the ideas put forth, and fervently
hoping I would remember them when needed. I spent afternoons
and evenings endeavoring to add to my scanty bridge knowledge.
My partners were long suffering, and the commentators were kind.
(I am always amazed at how they can make criticism sounds so
warm and friendly). A few other kind souls dedicated their
time and talent to my crammed education, but I was still
sorely inadequate.
"Gail would not turn me loose, and dragged me kicking and screaming
to Houston. I am so glad she didn't really listen to me. How
would I have ever known about three hotels crammed with bridge
players, and everybody looking to win something? Playing with
Gail was easy for me, but I also learned about the Partnership
Desk. They supplied partners for me when Gail was busy doing
her thing. Incidentally, I decided to go whole hog and moved
into the hotel lock, stock and barrel. [Ed. note: Lucy had the
BEST supply of snacks in her room!] I was going to have the
full experience of going to a bridge convention. It was exciting.
"An added attraction was the weekend when I met several more
OKbridge players. Jan was there with Eric and Ken and Gail and...
etc. Since I came home, I have even had an OKbridger call to say
"hello" and "let's play sometime." This is someone whom I did
not meet in Houston although she was there. My son in Houston
gave her husband ...oh well, that is too long a story to go into.
"Needless to say, I had a ball. My life is much richer for
this trip and I want to thank everyone who had anything to do with
getting me there, especially Gail, who would not listen to my pleas
of ignorance.
"I am back again to haunting FireSides. I hope through osmosis to
become a bridge player some day all the time knowing FireSides
will help me well along the way."
Fondly,
Lucy
-------------------
And from Bob (BRIDGBOY):
"We go to big tournaments around the country to finally meet
face to face those people we have had the pleasure of meeting
on-line and finally playing with them live. I met Eric (ETSAND)
for the first time and got a big hug from Jan (MOOGAL)! Love
the new wave, Jan! [Ed. note: I'm in total shock. My husband
wouldn't notice if I died my hair purple, and this was a small
change. Bob gets mucho brownie points on this one!:) ]
"Two of my hard working students and I took on the world at the
bridge table with great success. I played with Martha (RCOOP)
for the first time and if only the events were not two sessions
long! We sat down and had a great first session -- first in
section and second overall the half. Our finish at night was not
as noteworthy. But undaunted we came back the next day and again
found ourselves at the break with a big score and in the
overalls at the half way point. But like the day before we did not
hold up in the second session.
"Patricia (PATRICIA) and I tried our luck on another day and
had a big game in the evening session to place overall in a
side series. What was the secret to our success? Low level
penalty doubles were *crucial* to adding to our matchpoint
totals. The opponents kept stepping out with crazy bids and time
and time again saying "DOUBLE" was all we needed for top scores.
"On consecutive rounds, Martha got 800 and 1100 at the two and
three level. Pat and I had 9 absolute tops from low level numbers
when we could make only a part-score our way. If I can get you all
to listen: when they step out, double them, and add tons of
matchpoints to your scores!
"See you all in Washington, D.C.! This summer should be a huge
tournament."
Bridgboy
--------------------
Patricia had an experience filled with "firsts":
"The Houston tourney was certainly one of the most
pleasurable bridge events I have attended. It
marked the first time I won gold at a national, and
it was a second overall win in an open pairs event
with Bob (BRIDGBOY). Needless to say Bob had some
unwavering influence in the level of play we achieved.
I was also fortunate enough to win gold again, this
time in another pairs event, first in A in the section,
with an OKBer, Malco, who found me at the partnership desk.
It was also the first tourney where I won something with
every partner I met at the partnership desk. I attribute
any success I have ever had to the discipline I have
learned from Bob, not only in playing the game, but also
in maintaining a positive mental attitude.
"One other highlight from the tourney was playing against
Zia in the charity game. At the end of the round where
my partner and I had the benefit of the better cards, he
said to us -- Well done, ladies...and I said -- Thank you, Mr.
Zia. He was a charming opponent. And now I am looking
forward to the Washington national and encourage any of
you who have never been to a national tourney to go. It
is a grand experience!"
--------------------
Howard (CAPTHOOK) wanted to share this story of a hand
from the tourney, as long as you don't tell a soul.:)
Last Hand in Houston
I like to sometimes do unexpected things at the bridge
table. The last hand of the last session in Houston
provided a chance. I was playing against two very good
players, with a high overall award in the Swiss Teams at
stake. The match seemed about even and with both sides
vul I looked at
S A9x
H A
D AKxx
C Kxxxx
sitting in the first seat. After a few seconds I decided
to open 1C and figure out what to do with my next bid later.
So far so good. No one can object to an opening bid of 1C.
After my pard responded 1H however the hand did not look so
good anymore and I decided not to reverse into 2D or bid 2N
(if he responded 1S however I would have bid 2D since the
chance of a misfit would have been much smaller). I guess
you are wondering what I bid if not 2D or 2N. I did not bid
2C or 1NT and I did not raise hearts. So I guess that leaves
1S as my bid. Those of you afraid of playing a 4-3 fit are
worring about the wrong thing, it's the 3-3 spade fit that
will get you into trouble. I had all the bases covered. If
pard raised spades I would bid NT. If pard rebid hearts
I would bid NT. If pard bid diamonds I would bid NT. If
pard bid clubs I would bid NT. See how easy it is. Well,
pard found a way to keep me out of NT. He passed with
S Txxx
H Kxxxx
D xxx
C x
You might wonder why he didn't pass 1C but -300 or worse was
on his mind. With a little help from the opps I made 7 tricks
and +90 was worth 5 IMPS or so. For once one of my crazy bids
worked. The 5 Imps were not enough. We lost the match and
finished 8th instead of 2nd. The lesson of this hand is not
what to bid over 1H. 2D or 2N are clearly better than 1S.
The real lesson is to NOT ADMIT to ANYONE that I bid 1S on
this hand.
Yours Truly
Howard
-------------------
And now the last word from the hometown boy:
"4.8 miles from Houston Nationals
"Contrary to rumor, this was not the distance between the
official hotels at Spring Nationals but the drive from my
house to the playing site. How do you take advantage of
having the big event in your own backyard? As the time
approached I really had no clue. I just lined up some
games and let the chips fall. After 11 days of tournament
I know a few more things than I did before. When the show
comes to your town, consider some suggestions.
"1) Set up games with your friends from the internet. As
detailed elsewhere in this newsletter the National tourney
is a unique chance to meet those you only know in a digital
sense. For the last few million years the species has honed
skills for face-to-face interactions. It really shouldn't
be a shock, but if you get along with someone in the OKB
chatbar, in Instant Messaging or in email, the face-to-face
experience will be even better. Even people you might try
to avoid online may turn out to be pleasant during a long
week when nearly everyone is on their best behavior.
"2) Save some time to watch some bridge. Nothing beats the
view from the spectator loft on OKB, but pull up a chair
at the national tourney and you will learn about aspects
of bridge that never turn up in books. At the Flight A
North American Open Pairs I watched the final session unfold.
This was a group of 28 pairs that had battled through
numerous stages of local and statewide competition and
then survived a two session qualifying event the previous
day. A vast majority of the players were men, many in their
40's or 50's, but some outside the range on either end. The
leaders going into the last session were intense and focused,
followed around the room by a sizable group of kibitzers. The
strain of the event showed on the faces of many players, but a
few kept up a stream of banter, a new joke at every table. The
movement was complex with all the pairs moving tables and
directions after every 2 board round. Some of the OKB crowd
would be poorly prepared for such complications. Much of it
was typical bridge. On one occasion a missed grand slam elicited
an angry rebuke from the dummy. Another time a director call was
handled efficiently without needless paranoia from the opponents.
When the dust finally settled, the leaders had faded, the jokesters
climbed into second and a husband and wife team blitzed the
field with a 75% game to take the top spot. The next time you
see a real expert, ask which is more likely: a 75% session in a
high quality pairs field or a no hitter in the seventh game of
the World Series?
"I also spent an evening watching the Vugraph of the Vanderbilt.
A large hotel ballroom was setup with four large projection
screens lined up at one side. An elevated speakers' table was
positioned near the screens and a sea of chairs was spread out
in front. A rotating cast of bridge celebrities took turns
offering commentary as the bidding and play unfolded. The
commentary emphasized humor rather than sharp analysis. Two
of the large screens showed crude video cam feeds of the
players who were awkwardly separated by a table barrier
with a narrow space at the bottom where a tray was pushed
through to show the bidding sequences. After a misdefense,
one player might lower his head to the table and try to direct
"helpful" comments to his partner through the narrow gap in
the table barrier. The two remaining screens showed computer
renditions of the bidding and play as it progressed.
Surprisingly, they used the Bridgebase software rather than
the ACBL ebridge version. Bridgebase handled the task well.
The inclusion of the Deep Finesse software analysis was fun.
As the super-experts pondered their next play a simple
software command smugly predicted that no possible line of
play could produce the desired result. Attempting to
simultaneously follow two screens of computer play at
different tables overloaded this feeble mind, so I made
frequent trips to the bar for refills and passively enjoyed
the comic commentary.
"3) When you do play bridge, go for the gold. And I don't mean
masterpoints. Nothing will irritate your partners more than
if you know exactly how many masterpoints you will gain if
you win this match, but you don't have a clue if partner's
discard of the S9 is a low spot or not. Forget the masterpoint
racket. Study the spots. Sign up for an open event and play
against the best. There are plenty of regional events everyday,
but save room on your dance card at least one big event. How
often does the big game come to your hometown?
"4) Don't try to put in a half-day's work in the morning, even
if it is the busiest week of the year. You will need those
mornings for recovery from a large overdose of bridge. Trust
me on that one.
"But whatever you do, when the Nationals come to your hometown,
don't miss it."
Eric
------------------
Again, loved seeing *everyone*, and a special thanks to my
teammies, Eric, Jonathan and Ken...see you all in ????
Hugs....Janice
****************************************************************
MENTORING SESSIONS
Some of our commentators are offering group mentoring
sessions. This is an easy, fun, and very affordable
way to get both bidding and play instruction with your
partner, friends, or as a single participant. Email
the commentator if you want information on joining
one of the established groups with spots available,
or to discuss a session at your convenience.
Kibitzers are welcome at most sessions.
Watch this spot for future sessions from our other
commentators also!
********************
KALTICA
Colin is currently holding sessions on Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Email him for more information.
You can contact Colin at cpw@escape.ca.
-------------------------------------------------
POOKA
Was anybody's favorite dwarf Bashful? If so...Pooka offers
a "private" group mentoring session, in a hidden table
format, for those who would prefer a closed setting for
their mentoring sessions. Contact Dann at:
dann-kramer@shaw.ca for more information.
-----------------------------------------------------
FIRESIDE MEMORIAL FUND
The next time you need to make a donation in honor of,
or in memory of, a friend or loved one, consider
Fireside! We'll notify the recipient of your donation
(minus the amount of course) and note your kind thoughts
here, in my column.
Send it to Sara (BELIEVER) or Colin (KALTICA) just as with
your regular donations, but be sure to include an email
address for the recipient, and, if the honoree is an OKB
member, their username. Also, please note if you do NOT
want it publicized here. Would appreciate also that you
email me the same info that you put in your note to Colin
or Sara.
----------------------------------------------------------
April Events: (All times Pacific)
NOVICE/MENTOR TOURNEY: Thursday, April 11,
6:00 P.M. A low-key introduction to the tourney
experience, sponsored by Fifth Chair.....see
www.fifthchair.org for more info on this and
their other services, including getting a mentor.
MENTOR CUP TEAM GAME: Sunday, 5:00 P.M. April
14 and 28. See www.escape.ca/~cpw/mtc.htm for info
and lists of past winners. To get on the mailing list for
this game, email me at moocake@aol.com.
OKSCRIPT SEMINAR: OKScript seminars are held as
demand warrants. Email Kaltica to schedule a session,
usually available on the same Sunday as the Mentor Cup
Game, at 2:30 p.m.
OKScript is an add-on program that saves you many
keystrokes while playing on OKB by sending
prepared text to the table, opps, or lobby at the
push of a button. Try to download the program BEFORE
the seminar by going to www.escape.ca/~cpw/okscript.htm.
For more information, email Colin at cpw@escape.ca.
FIFTH CHAIR INSTRUCTIONAL EVENTS:
SAYC Novice Team Game:
Saturdays, at 8:00 a.m. PACIFIC. Newcomers very
welcome! In addition to the team game, there will be
an open table for those waiting to join the team game.
This table will also have a commentator.
2/1 Team Game for intermediate players:
Saturdays, 1:30 p.m. Pacific. Novices are welcome in
spectator mode.
Look for the words FIFTH CHAIR beside the server's name,
in the table notes, to attend either of these sessions.
********************
Moogal (Janice Kofman) stays busy collecting all sorts
of news about our FireSide family members to share with us.
Please help her out by emailing her any news or stories you
are willing to share with the group.
Janice's email address is moocake@aol.com
====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Wheels for these:
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot
of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than
any invention in human history--with the possible
exceptions of handguns and tequila.
--Mitch Ratliffe
A human being is a computer's way of making another
computer. Yes, we are their sex organs.
--Solomon Short
All parts should go together without forcing. You
must remember that the parts you are reassembling were
disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means,
do not use a hammer.
--IBM maintenance manual, 1925
Computers are useless. They can only give you
answers.
--Pablo Picasso
Computers will never take the place of books. You
can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
--Sam Ewing
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain
sex to virgins.
--Robert Heinlein, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
--Jeff Pesis
It was not so very long ago that people thought that
semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and
microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a
spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass
produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware
of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either.
--Marvin Minsky
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is
be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a
warehouse.
--Jack Handey
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer.
--J. H. Goldfuss
They have computers, and they may have other weapons
of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno, U.S. politician
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed,
most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we
come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents.
--Nathaniel Borenstein
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is
even more so.
--Robert Orben
Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!
--Homer Simpson,
================================================
IAN'S PARTNERSHIP STUFF
=======================
Partnership Stuff: I have a good hand, but...
================================
.. thoughtless opponents have opened the bidding ahead of me.
What should I do? The textbook answer to this question has
been that with a hand that is good but not spectacular, you make
a simple overcall (on a 1-suiter), bid 1NT (if we're still at the
1-level), or double (with support for all unbid majors). With a hand
that is "too strong" for this treatment, we are advised to double
first and "sort the auction out" later.
Ideas about what kind of hand counts as "too strong" for a simple
overcall, and how to "sort out" the auction vary a lot depending on
who you happen to ask (or, more accurately, where they happen
to live). The European tendency has been to use takeout doubles
on anything that isn't actually a dead minimum. The North American
approach has tended toward ever stronger simple overcalls.
Leaving aside such considerations, let's look at how the auction
might proceed once we have made a takeout double with the
intention of showing strength on a hand that doesn't have the
right shape. First of all, it makes sense to look at partner's
actions. Partner's bidding should be based on your having
made your takeout double on a hand with around opening
strength and support for the unbid major(s), if any. This means
that if partner has an assumed fit, he will place the contract at
the appropriate level. For example, after (1h)-X-(p), looking at
KQJx xxx AQTx xx he knows that 4s is the correct spot,
assuming that the takeout doubler has 4 spades. With similar
strength but with a less obvious destination (e.g. Qxx xxx KJTx
AKx) partner will start with a cuebid. With a fit but less strength,
partner will still bid at a level that is correct assuming doubler
has around opening values.
Where does this place the takeout doubler with a strong but
off-shape hand? In some jeopardy if, for example, you have
doubled 1h on: AJx KJxx AKQxxx, and hear 4s from partner,
now what? 4s is unlikely to be a success on partner's example
hand above. Do we pass 4s, and hope that partner kindly
has 6 or so trumps? Do we try 5c? Do we sheepishly bid 4NT,
hoping that partner won't tell us how many aces he holds, as
long as he has a heart stopper?
It is because of hands like this (which occur with considerable
regularity in Bridge World bidding competitions, if somewhat
less frequently in real life) that experts are making simple
overcalls with stronger and stronger hands. The basic
reasoning is that you can show your true strength in a later
round of bidding. The catch is that sometimes there is no
more bidding. If this happens you must hope that partner's
meager assets wouldn't have been worth being in game (and
be prepared to explain this to teammates).
Some questions related to off-shape takeout doubles that
regular partnerships should discuss:
- what is the strongest hand that I can imagine making a simple
overcall on?
- facing a takeout double, on what sort of hand will I jump to game
in a 'promised' suit?
- facing a takeout double, on what sort of hand will I cuebid?
- what sort of strength do I need to make a takeout double and then
bid a new suit?
There aren't any absolutes here - as usual the important thing is for
you and your favorite partner(s) to be on the same wavelength. Oh,
and don't forget that your opponents have a right to know whether a
sequence like: (1h) - X - (p) - 2c; (p) - 2d .. is showing extra
strength (takeout doubler is bidding a new suit) or not (the new suit
is an 'equal level conversion').
Copyright (C) Ian M. Wilson 2002.
*************************
You can write Ian at: ianmwilson@earthlink.net
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
This one comes from BobW -- Thanks, Bob!
Gracie Allen One Liners:
Appliance salesman: You'll like this range. For instance, you put in
a roast, you set the oven control, then you go out all day. When you
come home at night, the roast is done.
Gracie: Haven't you got one where I don't have to go out?
My sister had a baby. I can't wait to find out if I'm an aunt or an
uncle.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a
half.
In the next life, I'd like to come back as an oyster. Then I'd only
have to be good from September to April.
If you owe the government $5,000, you make out your return for
$10,000. the government owes you $5,000, and you owe them
$5,000, so you're even.
George: Gracie, what do you think of television?
Gracie: Oh I think it's wonderful, I hardly ever watch radio anymore.
====================================================
SPECIAL TREATS
===============
Thanks again to Bob McPhee (McPhee) for a great article.
Bob and his partner, Allan Graves, have a new class coming up
in May on Defense. If it's anything like their session on Declarer
Play, you don't want to miss this one.
For more information, or to reserve a spot, email Bob at:
bobmcphee@hotmail.com
******************************
The contract was 3NT with an opening heart lead. How is it the enemy
always finds the best lead when you are on play?
S AJT4
H 7
D AQJ2
C J874
S 953
H AK
D K65
C QT932
With the Q of H lead, how are we going to manage 9 tricks? We can
only give up the lead once because we know they are going to pound
those hearts every time they get in. Our south felt they had the
right answer to that question. Knowing they would not be able to
develop the clubs before the enemy ran the heart suit, south started
on the spades. Here he needed the spade suit to produce 3 tricks
and correctly thought that if the high honors were split he would have
4 diamond tricks, 2 hearts and therefore 3 spades would bring this
home.
On winning the first trick in hand he tabled the 9 of spades, and
ended up going one down. The other table made 3NT, and his
side lost 12 fat imps. Unlucky?
South had the right idea. However he did not allow himself the best
chance. Rather than lead the 9, he needs to begin with a low spade.
The reason for this is because with 6 cards missing the suit is mostly
likely to divide 4-2 (48%) rather than 3-3 (36%). This means that if
the high honor cards are in each hand, leading the 9 will allow the
defender to cover and build a trick to a smaller spot card and 2
tricks will be lost to the suit anytime they are split 4-2.
Look at how this works. West may hold K8 and east Q7xx. No matter
what south does he's late for dinner.
Consider playing the suit in this fashion. First we lead low from
hand and put in the 10. East wins and returns a heart. Again we lead
low from hand, keeping that 9 just in case there was honor-doubleton.
When the K pops up south gets to congratulate himself, as he can
now lead that small card back to the 9 and get to enjoy his 3 spade
tricks.
*****************************
Email Bob at: bobmcphee@hotmail.com
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thank you to Luc for this one:
Times have Changed
One evening a grandson was talking to his
grandfather about current events. He asked
what grandpa thought about the shootings at
school, the computer age, and just things in
general. His final question was:
How old are you, Gramps?
The granddad replied, Well, let me think a
minute ... I was born before television, penicillin,
polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or
ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose,
air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
well the clothes were hung out to dry in the
fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then
lived together. Every family had a father and a mother,
and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him
how to use and respect. And they went hunting and
fishing together.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'
and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and
every man with a title, 'Sir.'
Sundays were set aside for going to church as
a family, helping those in need, and visiting with
family or neighbors.
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual
careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense. We were taught
to know the difference between right and wrong and
to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a
bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people
ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant
getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs,
electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the
President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever
remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your
school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy
things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar,
and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to
splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps
to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could
afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was
something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your
grandmother's lullaby.
'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a
piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store,
and 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a
generation gap, and how old do you think I am - ?
(This man would be only 59 years old.)
=================================================
TREBLE'S TABLE TALK
====================
Bridge Terminology Revisited
I recall about 15 or 16 years ago reading an article in the
Bridge World by Jared Johnson titled "An Updated Bridge Glossary"
that I found quite amusing and provocative. I've been thinking
about the various expressions used in bridge conversation and
have come up with a list of the most familiar ones and what their
REAL meaning is. I've also interjected two or three that I
especially liked from the original Bridge World publication.
******************************
Instructive Error -- A mistake made by a novice
Expert View -- A mistake made by someone who has an overly exalted
view of his own abilities. See also: cold bottom.
System Fix -- the soothing explanation you give to partner after
going for your third consecutive -800 since adopting the 8-10
point 1NT opening.
Choice of Slams -- a favourite tactic of players that are sailing
along in an auction and then suddenly realize that they are
at least two levels too high. The solution is to cuebid the
enemy suit, bid 5NT, or some new suit out of the blue, and make
PARTNER choose the final contract. It won't improve your result,
but will serve you well in the post-mortem when you can say that
you offered a "choice of slams" and partner dropped the ball by
picking the wrong one. Don't bore us with the irrelevant
observation that ALL contracts were going down, it was still
partner's fault.
Reverse attitude -- the differing views you and your partner may
have on the caliber of your game.
Avoidance play -- what happens when you ruff partner's winner with
your natural trump trick and avoid beating the enemy contract.
Endplay -- Often the best way some married couples can think of
to improve their partnership after enduring another recrimination-
filled 44 percent game.
Threat card -- a reference to the habit that many of us have of
playing the exact card that dooms any chance we had of making
the contract.
Ruff* -- the last contract that partner bid up to that you had to
declare.
Sluff* -- What you would like to do with the partner that put you in
the last contract.
A good Canadian slam -- ten top tricks and an American on lead.
A sure beat -- defending 3NT with two sure tricks and a Canadian
on play.
Frivolous pscyh -- what you bellyache about to the director when
your RHO opens a six-count in third seat.
Standard bidding -- how you explain opening the SAME six-count
in third seat when the OPPONENTS call the director.
Partnership mix-up -- what happens when your new partner takes your
bald-faced lie "I ALWAYS have my bids" as the gospel truth.
Involving partner in the decision -- similar to the "choice of
slams" technique, but used mainly in game decisions. When
YOU have been invited to game and don't have the guts to make
the decision, simply make a bid that partner has about a 5%
chance of understanding and berate him for making the wrong
decision afterwards. See also: copout.
Razor-sharp defense -- A description of the self-infliction of
gaping wounds and the massive hemorrhaging of your results
when your partnership finds itself on defense more often than
you can really stand.
Throw-in -- the procedure by which your opponent gets
whichever of you or partner is booting the most tricks on
defense on lead as often as possible.
Negative double -- another way for you to get needlessly involved
in an auction you don't belong in.
Optional double -- Doubling to leave partner a variety of options,
none of them attractive.
Takeout double -- A double SO bad that you should be taken out to
the woodshed and firmly disciplined for your misdeeds.
Cuebid* -- A call usually followed by three passes and an anguished
scream.
Discouraging signal -- wincing in pain, rolling your eyes, banging
your head on the wall, vomiting on the table, take your pick.
Partner will know EXACTLY how much you liked the card he just
played.
Barometer Scoring -- A foolproof method of gauging your results in
a team match. Glance quickly over at the other table. If your
partners are rosy-cheeked and giggling, just try not to do anything
dumb, they are mashing the opponents up at their table. If their
complexion is normal and they are fairly serious, it's a close
match that will be decided at your table. If they are both a deep
shade of purple, tear up your scorecard, head for the bar and save
yourself the aggravation of a comparison. No matter HOW good
your results are, it ain't gonna be enough.
Falsecarding -- The brisk and confident explanation you give when
you forgot to give count in a suit that resulted in partner throwing
away the card he needed to keep to beat the contract.
Elimination play -- what may happen in a dark alley to the guy that
has just revoked four times, and twice bid out of turn in the Open
Pairs earlier that afternoon.
Seeking expert advice -- the process by which you solicit opinions
from the top local players on a bidding foul-up you had during the
session. You then carefully use only the 25% of comments that
support YOUR opinion in hashing out the auction with your partner
later on.
Going down in a cold contract -- how you describe partner's line
of play when he guessed wrong on which squeeze to play for. Should
be used sparingly, because while it may give you a brief surge of
elation, it has not proved to be a surefire winner in being able
to retain your partners for a long-term basis. Go figure.
Obscure line of play -- your comment when an opponent plays the
hand well to make his contract. Fortunately, we don't see a lot
of that on OKB, it's more prevalent in live bridge. Sadly, it's
appears to be much easier to compliment an opponent in internet
bridge than it is to do the same in a face-to-face game.
Spurning the finesse -- a way of claiming to have made the expert
play just after going down in a contract that you could have easily
brought home.
Aggressive overcall -- mind loss so numbing that it brings visions
of lemming rushing off the cliffs to their doom. After partner
innocently asks why you bid your ragged four-card suit into LHO's
six-card holding after an opening bid on your right, just say
crisply "It's a bidder's game, pard. They greased me."
Sound like someone we know?
Fouled board -- the stench arising from the dog's breakfast
you and your partner made of the defense to the last hand.
Unblocking -- the process by which you throw your honour cards and
set up two extra tricks for declarer just after partner has led
from his four-card suit headed by the nine.
Rectifying the count for a squeeze -- a great riposte to use when
partner is wondering HOW you managed to punt an easy overtrick
at matchpoints.
Forcing pass -- a system popularized in New Zealand, Australia and
Poland where GOOD hands are passed and BAD hands are opened.
Your partner has a deeply-rooted suspicion that you are already
playing this bidding style without mentioning it to him beforehand.
Distributional hand -- for most people, a good 6-5 two-suiter.
For Janice "Moogal" Kofman, 4432 distribution with a Jack. She'd
be turning cartwheels since her USUAL hand is 4333 with a NINE.
Rabies Rule -- when you don't know for sure if partner has doubled
for penalty or takeout, but notice him frothing at the mouth or a
pool of saliva on the card table, it's probably best to leave the
double in.
Richter Rule -- when you've overcalled one of two suits, LHO has
doubled and the volume of the double registers above 6.5 on the
Richter scale, you scurry out to the other suit. Not as reliable
now since the introduction of bidding boxes, but has a close
relative on OKB. If LHO's double appears a split-second after
you've made your bid, it's best to lace up the Nikes and scoot
off to your other suit.
(* Attribution -- Bridge World Magazine)
I am always on the lookout for "definitions" to add to my
bridge vocabulary. So if you have any suggestions or ideas,
email me at btreble@escape.ca and you may see YOUR name in
the Fireside Newsletter in the near future.
******************************
One interesting hand to close out the month from a local
team game: You pick up:
S A8xxx
H AKx
D xxx
C Kx.
RHO passes, you open 1S, and LHO overcalls 1NT, 15-18. Partner
bids 2NT, a limit raise or better in spades. The auction continues:
East South(you) West North
pass 1S 1NT 2NT*
3D pass pass 4C
5D dbl 5H 6S
dbl pass pass pass
A heart is led and dummy appears with:
S KJx
H void
D AJx
C AQJ10xxx
Declarer pitched one of his diamond losers from table and
glared as RHO TRUMPED! Now a diamond came back and the 1NT
overcaller ruffed. Another heart and he was two down, the
entire hand being:
North
S KJx
H void
D AJx
West C AQJ10xxx East
S xx S Q109
H QJ10xxxxxxx H void
D void D KQ10xxxx
C x South C xxx
S A8xxx
H AKx
D xxx
C Kx
It turns out that 6S couldn't make when a heart was led.
Even if dummy ruffs HIGH, East will now have two natural trump
winners. North SHOULD have bid 6C, to suggest an alternate
strain, and THAT contract can never be defeated.
Anyway, that's it for another month. Next time, we'll
have the usual Fireside article and reports from the Moose Jaw
and Toronto regionals as well. See you then.
*************************
You can write to Wintaka (Bill Treble) at:
btreble@escape.ca
You will find Bill doing his FireSide sessions
on Tuesdays at 11:00 A.M. OKbridge time, and on
alternating Saturdays at 11:00 A.M. OKbridge time.
Wintaka and Kaltica present classes on:
SAYC (Rainbow Series)
2/1 (Spectrum series)
Precision (Prism Series),
and other selected bridge topics (Kaleidoscope series).
They also offer private/group lessons and/or supervised
play sessions. Email Bill (btreble@escape.ca) or
Colin (cpw@escape.ca) for more information.
==============================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Our thanks to Pooka for these:
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
=================================================
AND FINALLY KALTICA
===================
Heroes
On Wednesday, March 27th, 2002, my favourite
bridge writer -- a World Champion player -- came to
my Rainbow Class. Huh? What is HE doing here?
Let us call him "Bob Jones". That I cannot
identify him by his actual name is the point of this
article. More on this later.
It ensued that one of my students had suggested
that "Bob Jones" contact me with the idea of playing
against him and an OKBridge student of his, with me
being partnered by one of mine. I was THRILLED!
Bridge is one of very few endeavours where we
can plunk down our entry fee in an Open event and
play against the world's best. I have had three
sports heroes in my life. I could never hope for
the chance to box against Mohammed Ali. Given my
155-pound frame, this may be just as well! I never
got a chance to throw a block for Joe Delaney before
he drowned trying to rescue two children in a pond.
I never got the chance to take the field with
Roberto Clemente before he died in a plane crash
while trying to help earthquake victims in South
America. But on Wednesday, I was going to play
twenty-seven boards against none other than, well,
"Bob Jones". The only formality left was to get
Moogal to forego our tourney commitment and play
as my partner against one of the finest bridge
players on the planet.
"Uh, Jan, you ain't gonna believe this,"
I began.
Suddenly struck with fear and trepidation,
Jan asked the obvious: "What?"
"Guess what you and me are gonna do this
afternoon."
"Play in the tourney?"
"Nope."
"What, then?" Jan asked.
"Brace yourself."
Once Jan was properly secured, I gave her
the news.
"Say WHAT?" she sputtered.
"Yup. We'z playin' against the full BOB
JONES! Set, no less!"
Somewhat skeptical, Jan showed up at my
table. Sure enough, sitting N-S on both sides
of me were "Bob Jones" and his partner. Oddly,
the circumstances did nothing to allay Jan's
initial fear and trepidation. Go figure!
Jan was understandably nervous. After
punting a few IMPs missing a grand slam, though,
we settled down and acquitted ourselves well. At
Mr. Jones' insistence, we closed the table to
spectators.
Speaking for me, at least, it was one of
the greatest experiences that I have ever had
playing this game--and I have had many. Jan,
too, expressed her delight.
Why the need for anonymity, though?
Well, the various playing sites have
"retained" many of the better players for
promotional purposes. Hence, we are all denied
the pleasure of seeing, say, Mr. Jones play
against "our own" favourite, Paul Soloway. Even
for events NOT sponsored by the sites themselves,
such as the 5th Chair's or our own Gator & FACT,
the celebrities that were "owned" by other sites
were forced to decline our invitations. My own
friend, Drew Cannell, could only turn down my
invite to play in our Gator tourney due to a
conflict of interest as the manager of another
online bridge venue.
This unfortunate situation is reminiscent
of old Hollywood, where "contracted" stars were
not able to act in the feature films of other,
competing studios. Vestiges of this policy
still remain, but for the most part it has
declined for a very simple reason: it is bad
for the industry as a whole. Co-operative
ventures are the order of the day.
I look forward to when the finest players
in this game get together and realize that such
exclusivity serves no one--least of all themselves,
since it means that they can derive an income
from only one online source. At the very least,
it would preclude the necessity of me referring
to such a fine player using a pseudonym.
Oh, well, at least Jan and I will always have
that one Wednesday afternoon in March of 2002... :)
*************************
You'll find Kaltica (Colin Ward) doing his FireSide
sessions on Friday evenings at 5:30 P.M. OKbridge time.
Kaltica and Wintaka present classes on:
SAYC (Rainbow Series)
2/1 (Spectrum series)
Precision (Prism Series),
and other selected bridge topics (Kaleidoscope series).
They also offer private/group lessons and/or supervised
play sessions. Email Colin (cpw@escape.ca) or
Bill (btreble@escape.ca) for more information.
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GIGGLE BREAK
thanks to Maxj for this giggle:
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain
age, everything seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And,
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to
the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how
long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers
all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the
same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at
the same age. On the other hand, people my own
age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old
friend the other day and she has aged so much that
she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking
about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
reflection........Well, REALLY NOW......... even
mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
You're risking life and limb if you just happen to
pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can
say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear
view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these
days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling
a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think
no one notices that these things no longer fit around
the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling
the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I
actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!
Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -but the telephone company is in
on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone
books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is
under attack! Unless something drastic happens,
pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these
awful indignities.
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