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Fireside Chat
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FIRESIDE CHAT MAY 2006
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome and Announcements
Believer's FireSide Kindling
Bidding with Bridgboy
Winning With Wishtrik
Hand of the Month
Brush Up Your Bridge
Bridge for the Club Player
Moogal's FireSide Log
BridgeHands eMag Newsletter
Treble's Table Talk
And Finally Kaltica
=======================================
WELCOME AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
We hope you enjoy all of this month's articles and features.
Please feel free to write to us with any comments, questions,
ideas, or whatever, that you may wish to share. This newsletter
is for and about you, and we want you to feel welcome to
participate. Just email Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com or Moogal
at moocake@bellsouth.net.
A special thanks to all of you who have been sending us
contributions for our "giggle breaks". We appreciate everything
you send, and use as many as we can. Keep 'em coming, please!
You can find current and past issues of this "FireSide Chat"
newsletter posted at our FireSide web site:
http://www.firesides.net/thechat.htm
If, for any reason, you do not wish to receive these mailings,
please write to Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com to be removed from
our mailing list.
===========================================
CURRENT FIRESIDE SCHEDULE
Day Pacific Time Commentator
MON 11:00 A.M. POOKA
MON 5:00 P.M.* BRIDGBOY
TUE 11:00 A.M. BRIDGBOY
TUE 5:30 P.M. KALTICA
WED 11:00 A.M. FREDW3
WED 5:30 P.M. DIANEW
THU 11:00 A.M. POOKA
THU 5:30 P.M. WISHTRIK
FRI 11:00 A.M. BLUEBEE
FRI 5:30 P.M. WINTAKA
Commentators may change without notice,
according to their availability.
(*starts 1/2 hour earlier on Monday night)
*******************
Although there is no set fee for participating in these "open to
all" sessions, please note that FireSide Bidding Practice
Sessions operate with the support of those who attend. For
information about how to become a supporting member, please
contact Kaltica at kaltica@mts.net, Moogal at
moocake@bellsouth.net, or Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com.
Thanks to all of you for supporting the FireSide sessions in all
the many different ways you have of doing so.
We want to thank our commentators for their dedication and
caring. Please, think of them when you are thinking of taking
private lessons, paying a professional to play tourneys with you,
getting involved in a group session mentoring program... most,
if not all, of our commentators and contributors to this
newsletter are available for those services. Just think how much
easier it is to learn from someone who's already a friend!
*******************
All articles herein (c) 2006 by FireSide Chat.
All rights reserved.
===============================================
BELIEVER'S FIRESIDE KINDLING
============================
Hi everybody
I want to send a big 'thanks' to Jane for taking over on the
newsletter duties for a while. As I told you last month, I have
some health issues that I need to concentrate on for the next few
months, and I asked for someone to take on editing this
newsletter. Jane generously volunteered, and she'll be handling
the editing and emailing of the newsletter while I work on
getting healthier!
Thanks for all your notes sending me your good wishes and kind
thoughts. I appreciate every one of them.
And to answer all the questions :) I was diagnosed back in
October with Hepatitis C. I've probably had it for more than 25
years... and we're not sure how I got it. It's a funny virus,
just keeps multiplying in your body and quietly damaging your
liver until you wind up with cirrosis of the liver and ultimately
need a liver transplant! The only symptoms I've ever had that
anything was wrong was I was tired. And the older I got, the
tireder I got. I kept going to see doctors and no one ever came
up with a good reason why I was always so fatigued. Finally, my
current doctor did some routine blood tests and noticed that my
liver enzymes were high. I'd had a couple of other doctors
mention that fact to me in the past few years, but this doctor
decided to send me for another test to find out WHY the enzymes
were elevated! That's when they discovered the Hepatitis C.
I had a liver biopsy done and it turns out that there is 'some'
damage to my liver, but not too bad yet. They told me if I do
the current treatment there is about a 50% chance I can get rid
of the virus, which would result in my liver repairing itself
once the virus is gone. The current treatment for Hepatitis C is
treatment for 48 weeks with Peg-Interferon and Ribavirin. They
are both pretty strong drugs, and work together to stop the virus
from reproducing/mutating and kill the virus. Even if I try the
treatment and it doesn't get rid of the virus, the treatment
still slows down the virus growth and the damage it does to the
liver, giving the liver a chance to do some healing.
Anyway, after a few false starts, I finally started treatments a
month ago. I have to give myself a weekly injection of the
Interferon, plus take the Ribavirin twice a day. Side affects
include "flu like symptoms", headaches, body aches, nausea,
fever/chills, etc. I've been pretty lucky so far and have had
minimal side effects. Mostly it seems to make me very very tired
the first 2 days after the injection, and a bit queasy. I expect
itchy rashes and mood swings from the Ribavirin, and have dealt
with a little of that already. I sleep a lot :)
So that's the story on my health problems. Way more information
than any of you really wanted or needed! But I don't want folks
thinking I'm sicker than I really am, or that I'm a "short-timer"
here... If this treatment doesn't work, there are several very
promising treatments just around the corner that should be
available in a couple of years. They are working hard on
Hepatitis C treatments, and learning new things about it every
day. It looks like it may wind up being a lot more common than
we'd think -- many of us got it from blood transfusions before
1992. You can get it only from blood to blood contamination, but
that can include dentists, manicurists, tattoo parlors,
transfusions of course, anything where if they didn't sterilize
their tools properly you could have been exposed to the virus.
I've learned that my experience is "normal", that many people who
learn they have hepatitis C find out about it 2 or 3 decades
after they got it. And there are few, if any, symptoms.
So, I'll be around :) I'll still be doing some Table Managing
duties at the Fireside sessions. I'll still be driving my
partners crazy in the OKb minis :) If I seem a little crabby, or
totally brainless, remember it's the meds!
Please send your giggles to Jane, she'll need new material in the
near future. Jane's email address is: jane@tmarvin.fsnet.co.uk.
Let her know she's doing a great job :) Thanks for taking this
responsibility on Jane, while I work on killing this virus :)
Sara
********************
You can write to Believer (Sara Stobbe) at:
sarastobbe@aol.com or bb@wowway.com
===============================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Luc for this giggle:
RETARDED GRANDPARENTs
This is priceless! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually
reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have
rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their
bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are
anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have
got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there,
but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too,
but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man
sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes
they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same
thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get
out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out,
bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in
the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit
their grandchildren.
==========================================================
BIDDING WITH BRIDGBOY
=====================
When we are responder we have to plan ahead with our auctions. It
can not be a rote nonthinking action because our goal is to
describe our hand to partner.
S KQJ10X
H VOID
D J10XX
C AK10X
You pick up this nice hand and partner opens 1 club.
OK class what are your thoughts??
Well I see game for sure and slam is very possible but I do not
know where it should be?
We do have a club fit but maybe spades is better. I need further
information as to what controls partner has. If he has AK of
diamonds for example, slam could be there, but if he has AK of
hearts then maybe only game will be possible . Let us test some
possible auctions in our mind first. If we bid 1 sp, certainly a
forcing bid ,and partner rebids 1nt then what???
We have only found out that partner has a balanced minimum hand
without 4 card spade support
We have to make a forcing bid and that bid is what????
I dont think we can bid 3 clubs, that is passable.
If we jump to 3 diamonds we have not told about the 4 card club
support. We certainly have not an interest in notrump yet so we
have boxed ourselves into a corner by the simple response of 1 sp
with no good way out.
Let us go back and rethink this hand.
We have game forcing/ slam interest so instead of bidding 1 sp
how about bidding 2 spades!!
This strong jump shift will enable partner to know in one bid
that we are going to game and possibly slam.
The pressure has been relieved on the partnership. Neither will
fear of being passed below game. OK sounds good. so
1cl-p-2sp-p-2nt-p-3clubs is our next bid. That shows partner we
have good clubs as well as good spades. He can reevaluate based
on that information.
We are desparately waiting for the 3 diam q bid now. Unluckily
partner bids 3 hts denying ace of diam. ah shoot, now slam is not
a good bet at all.
We do not have ace of sp and partner does not have ace of diam.
so we
sign off in the higher scoring contract of 3nt. if partner wants
to continue after that fine we do not mind but we have flashed
the slam signal at a low enough level to do all our investigating
without endangering slam.
I strongly urge you all to use strong jump shifts. they are an
invaluable tool for good bidding to the best game and or slam.
For those who care this was partners hand
S XX
H AK109
D KXX
C QJXX.
3NT MAKING 5 wins most of the matchpoints.
Change partners red suits
S XX
H KXX
D AK109
C QJXX
....and 6 clubs is the right contract. Same points just different
location a and in real estate or bridge. it is location that is
the key!
********************
You can find Bridgboy (Bob Lavin) doing his FireSide sessions on
Monday evenings at 5:00 p.m., and Tuesdays at 11:00 a.m. OKbridge
time.
Anyone interested in one-on-one lessons on any topic of the game
may contact Bob at bridgboy@charter.net
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Benson for these giggles:
BRIDGE QUOTES
It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also
for some that belong to the opponents. Alfred Sheinwold
The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble,
but in escaping once he's in. Alfred Sheinwold
The trouble with women is that they treat bridge as a game. They
do not realize it is a war.
If you have the slightest touch of masochism you'll love this
game.
We believe that contract bridge is particularly attractive to
people with a scrappy disposition. Frank Perkins
It's not the skill that drops off with age, it's the drive, the
killer instinct..and when a man isn't primed to kill he makes
mistakes.
Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get
there faster.
One gets use to abuse. It's waiting for it that is so trying.
Rueful Rabbit
Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last
him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners.
Alfred Sheinwold
Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it
attracts a substantial number of antisocial people. Alan Truscott
One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing
atrocious contracts. Alfred Sheinwold
Where's the hand you held during the auction? A comment Jan
Janitschke has made when dummy hits.
South: Alert!
East: Yes?
South: I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand.
It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning
player. There aren't enough of them. It is the ability to avoid
messing up the easy ones. Alan Sontag
Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather
than brilliance. Matthew Granovetter
The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master contract
bridge player. Ely Culbertson
A knowledge of the mechanics will suffice to put a player in a
commanding position in the post-mortem. To become a member of
the upper crust calls for more, much more. Resilience,
imagination, occasional flashes of inspiration, these are the
hallmarks of quality. And this transcends the realm of science.
Victor Mollo
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
its limits.
Card sense is when it's technically right to do something, the
little man that sits on my shoulder or anyone else's shoulder
says, "Don't do that." And you say to yourself, "Well, wait a
minute, that's the right way to play." And he says, "Yeah, but
you don't wanna play that way." That instinct is card sense.
It's almost an ability to feel where the cards are. It's
something that you can't buy, you can't find; you're born with.
The ability to do the right thing at the wrong time or really to
do the wrong thing at the right time. Barry Crane
I'm not sure whether glory or masterpoints is first on the list,
but I know learning to play better is definitely last. Eddie
Kantar
I'd like a review of the bidding with all the original
inflections.
The average defender operates in a fog of uncertainty. H. W.
Kelsey
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning
bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes. Frank Stewart
A player who can't defend accurately should try to be declarer.
Alfred Sheinwold
The real secret of the expert is to make logic seem like flair.
Hugh Kelsey
If you play bridge with your wife as partner, you need at least
20 points to open, and it wouldn't hurt to have 25. Joe James
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make them all yourself. Alfred Sheinwold
I favor light opening bids. When you're my age, you're never
sure they're going to get back to you in time. Oswald Jacoby at
77
Years ago there were only two acceptable excuses for not leading
the suit your partner had opened; having no cards in the suit,
and sudden death. Alfred Sheinwold
I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we
continue to play bridge?
We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew
what I was doing.
My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your
money to bid. My partner still thinks you need cards.
Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
We play forcing hesitations.
A fellow had made a bad bid and gone for 1400. "I'm sorry," he
said to his partner, "I had a card misplaced." Asked his partner
innocently, "Only one card?" Charles Goren
If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing with you!
When I take a 50-50 chance I expect it to come off 8 or 9 times
out of 10.Hideous Hog
==========================================================
WINNING WITH WISHTRIK
=====================
DISCARDS AND LEADS
What is a discard?
A discard is when declarer or partner is leading a suit and you
are showing out. When you pitch a card in another suit this is
called a discard. Your 1st discard is one of the most important
pieces of information that you can give on defense.
What info do you convey with that card? The meaning of the
discard is always attitude. It works just like any other
defensive play. First you give attitiude in a suit and second you
can give count. The third signal is always suit preference.
What signal do you give when partner leads a suit? Attitude when
you can give a signal. Your first obligation is to play 3rd hand
high. If you don't need to play 3rd hand high then the card you
play is an attitude signal. Therefore your 1st priority is always
3rd hand high and the 2nd priority is attitide.
What signal do you give when the opponent leads a suit? Count 100
% of the time
Rule of Eleven Against a notrump contract if partner doesn't have
a sequence the correct lead is 4th best from her "longest and
strongest" suit. One of the reasons this lead is so effective is
because you can use the "Rule of Eleven" to figure out your
correct play as third hand. You subtract the spot card led from
11 and the number you get is the number of cards in the other
three hands (you, dummy and declarer) that are higher than that
number. Now count how many of those cards are in your hand and
the dummy and you can figure out exactly how many cards higher
than the opening lead are in declarer's hand.
Lead
Q1098 = 10 QJx = Q
Q109 = 10 9874 = 4
KJ109 = J AKJ104 = A
KQ109 = 10 97532 = 3
J1094 = J 1098 = 10
J109 = J 863 = 3
NT
Honor leads all have specific meaning at NT
We always lead highest of touching honors
A = unblock of K Q or J, or count
K = Attitude
Q = Unblock the J eg: KQ109
SUITS
Pard leads A
Give attitude assuming she has the AK of the suit led. You
should only encourage if you can win 3rd round of suit which
means your signal depends on the length in dummy.
Pard leads K
Give attitude assuming she has the KQ of the suit led. You
should encourage with the A or the J.
Pard leads Q
Give attitude assuming she has the QJ of the suit led. You
should encourage with the A or the K.
********************
Wishtrik (Lynn Deas) presides at our Thursday evening
Fireside sessions, starting at 5:30 pm OKbridge time.
For lesson information contact Lynn at: lynn@lynndeas.com
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Am so sorry ,,,I don't know who to thank for these!
**GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES**
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the
hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can
usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a
car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the
windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days
attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And
they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want
anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep
his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
==========================================================
HAND OF THE MONTH
=================
This month we are pleased to present our 'Hand of the Month'
feature, with a big "thank you" to Gail Wix for formatting it
for us.
From The 2006 Daily Bridge Calendar. For more information call
1-888-453-1976, or email: calendar@interlog.com
********************
Vul: E/W North
Dlr: S S J7
H AK2
D AQJ3
C KJ32
South
S AKQ
H 643
D K742
C A54
West North East South
1NT*
P 6NT All pass
*15-17 HCP
Opening Lead: ST
When in notrump, start by counting your top tricks. Then decide
from where the extra trick(s) must come. This deal is no
different. What is your line of play?
*****************************************
S J7
H AK2
D AQJ3
C KJ32
S T9854 S 632
H J98 H QT75
D 9 D T865
C T876 C Q9
S AKQ
H 643
D K742
C A54
Contract: 6NT Lead: ST
You have eleven top tricks: three spades, two hearts, four
diamonds and two clubs. If we ignore the unlikely squeeze
possibilities, the key is getting an extra club trick. How
should you play for three tricks?
You could cash the CA, then finesse dummy's CJ. This works when
either West has the CQ or the missing clubs split 3-3.
That isn't bad, but there is better. Play a club to dummy's
king, cross back to your CA, then lead a third club toward
dummy's jack. This works whenever West has the CQ or the clubs
are 3-3, but also when East has CQx. Although "a priori" that
additional chance is only 7.8%, casinos make good money with
edges smaller than that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning
bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes."
---Frank Stewart
******************
Hand and analysis by Phillip Adler, courtesy of the Daily
Bridge Calendar, published by Ashlar House Inc., Brampton, ON,
Canada. Reprinted with permission.(Special thanks to Lee
Daugherty and Dann Kramer.)
Taken from The 2005 Daily Bridge Calendar. For more information
call 1-888-453-1976, or email: calendar@interlog.com.
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Tarsh for this giggle:
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man
chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
===========================================================
BRUSH UP YOUR BRIDGE
====================
By Marcia West @ Fifth Chair Foundation
The Stayman Convention
This convention is used by the partner of the opening 1, 2 or 3NT
bidder.
The convention shows at least 8+ hcp, at least 1 4 card major
suit, and either a balanced or unbalanced hand. After an
opening of NoTrump bidding , the response is 2C, which is a
completly artificial bid, and requests that partner show a 4 card
major suit, if he holds one or two. If he holds 2 (4-card) major
suits, he bids hearts first, which does not deny spades, but a
bid of 2S does deny 4 hearts.
With less than 8 hcp, and a balanced hand, pass. With less than
8 hcp and an unbalanced hand, use Jacoby Transfer, if you have a
five card major suit.
The bidding proceeds: 1NT pass 2C - This bid promises at least 1
4 card major and at least 8+ or more HCP.
The No Trump bidder responses to the artificial 2C Stayman bid by
partner:
2D = I have no 4 card major suit
2H = I have 4 hearts, and might have 4 spades
2S = I have 4 spades, and do not have 4 hearts
After using the Stayman bid, the responses continue this way.
If partner has responded 2D, showing no major suit, a bid of 2NT
by responder shows a minimum response, holding 8+ or 9 hcp. If
the responder has bid 2NT, the NT opening bidder can pass this
bid, or bid 3NT with 16 or 17 hcp.
Holding 10 to 15 HCP, responder now bids 3NT, not letting the
partnership play below game. Holding 16 HCP and up, over the 2d
bid, responder now bids 4NT, which asks the NT opening bidder to
pass with 15, or bid 6NT with 16 or 17 HCP.
Holding a 4 and 5 card major suit, and less than 9 hcp, use
Jacoby Transfer
Holding a 4 and 5 card major suit, and 9+ HCP, bid the 5 card
major suit at the 3 level, which is forcing to game.
The bidding has proceeded:
1NT pass 2C pass
2D pass ?
You hold:
1. AQxx xxx KQxx xx Your bid is_____________
2. AQxx xx Kxxxxx xx Your bid is_____________
3. xx AJxx QJxx Jxx Your bid is_____________
4. KJxxx Qxxx x Axx Your bid is_____________
5. Ax Kxxx xx AKxxx Your bid is_____________
The bidding has proceeded:
1NT pass 2C pass
2D pass 3S pass
?
You hold:
6. Axx KQx Ajxx Qxxx Your bid is_____________
7. Ax AQx AQxxx xxx Your bid is_____________
8. Axx xx AKQxx Qxx Your bid is_____________
Remember: The rule of 29 which says, with 29 to 31 hcp between
the two hands, prefer to play in NT at matchpoints, since you
have enough high cards between the 2 hands to make the extra
trick in NT.
The bidding has proceeded:
1NT pass ?
Your hand as responder:
9. AQxx xx AKxx Qxx Your bid is_____________
10. AKx KQxx KJxx Kxx Your bid is_____________
11. Axxx KQxxx x Jxx Your bid is_____________
12. Axxxx Qxxx Ax xx Your bid is_____________
Answers:
1 3NT
2 3NT
3 2NT invitational
4 3S Shows 5 spades and 4 hearts and is game forcing
5 3C Shows a 4 card major and at least a 5 card minor, and
is forcing to game
6 4S
7 3NT
8 4D Agrees that spades are trumps, and shows the great
diamonds on the way to game.
9 3NT
10 4C Checking for aces, and then kings, to see if you are
at 6nt or 7nt.
11 3H
12 3S
Marcia/Tarsh
********************
Written by Marcia West, of Fifth Chair Foundation -
www.fifthchair.org
The Fifth Chair Foundation is a not-for-profit corporation,
run by volunteers. They do not charge for their information,
however it does cost to produce their work, so donations are
very welcome. Please send your check or money order to:
Fifth Chair Foundation
3055 80th Ave SE Su 102
Mercer Island, WA 98040-2954
USA
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Pringle for this giggle:
Some Things to Think About...
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in
it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes
that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one
slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really
gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you
first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's
all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That
hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a
trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like
your wife told you to do it?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends, if they're okay, then guess what, it's you
========================================================
BRIDGE FOR THE CLUB PLAYER
==========================
Two-way Drury
There are many forms of Drury out there. Drury is one of those
conventions that has evolved over time. (Some would say
devolved...) I am going to present it to you in a simple form. It
is also the one that I use. Frequently, simple is good...
When partner opens the bidding in THIRD OR FOURTH SEAT, your
partnership wants to combine two objectives: 1) finding game if
you have it, and 2) not getting too high. Going down one at the
three-level on a hand that could have been passed out (or when
you could have bid and made two) is a matchpoint disaster.
One of the primary goals of Drury is to play at the two-level
whenever possible. Since responder originally passed, they should
not have a hand that can FORCE to game. Therefore we are going to
completely give up the natural 2C and 2D bids. With these hands
(10-12 points and no support for partner's major) responder
begins with 1NT "semi-forcing". With 10+ points and five hearts,
responder still bids two hearts.
We are replacing the natural 2C and 2D bids with conventional
ones:
2C shows an invitational hand (10-12 points) with THREE-card
support.
2D shows an invitational hand with FOUR-card support.
These are both alertable, of course. With a lesser hand (5-9) and
three OR four card support, responder 'only' raises to two. (They
can always compete to the three-level, if necessary, with
four-card support.)
My strong recommendation is that there are NO artificial
responses to 2-way Drury. 99% of the time, opener will either bid
TWO (no game interest) or FOUR of his major. New suits (rare) are
natural game tries.
As much as possible, Drury is ON in competition. (This is a big
strength of Drury.) If they overcall 1S (or double), keep the
system intact. If they overcall 2C, use 2D as Drury showing
either 3- or 4-card support. If they overcall 2D (or higher),
Drury is OFF. (Some players double with "Drury" hands, but I feel
that the negative double is too much to give up.)
********************
Jack welcomes students of all levels for lessons.
Contact him for information at trojanowl@aol.com
===========================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Pringle for these giggles:
"Why God made moms"
Answers given by elementary school age children to the following
questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's
such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work
at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real
power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep
over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my
sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes
on the back of her head.
==========================================================
MOOGAL'S FIRESIDE LOG
=====================
FIRESIDE'S TEAM GAME
Our April winners are:
04-09-06 1st: Team TARA Tara, Eds, Fredw3, Jonas &
Irshsetr
2nd: Team BLISS Bliss, Titch, Frodo, Suekop,
Pollye & Lwilmot
Visit our website at www.firesides.net/mtc.htm for info and lists
of all our top placing stars. To get on the email reminder list
for these games, contact us at firesider@aol.com - all welcome!
**********************************************************
The more things change, the more they remain...insane.
(Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04)
Change is in the air here at the Fireside Chat. Sara is taking
some time off to deal with some health issues, and Jane
(NEOPHYTE) is taking over as Editor of our beloved publication.
It's not easy to let go of our baby. Talk about mixed emotions!
Missing Sara and excited to have Jane at the helm.
I will be continuing to write my column for now...but the editing
part is now Jane's baby, as my time also has become much more
limited. Sara and I were a great team but Jane will continue
what we hope is a tradition of fine bridge articles to help our
advancing friends here at Fireside.
Please let Jane know how much you appreciate her efforts to step
in and take on what is a really really HUGE task! Thanks Jane
from all of us here at Fireside.
P.S. One change you will notice is the absence of "Tourney
Results"...Sara was combing through all the tourney records, and
it just won't be possible to continue that for now.
**********************************************************
Paul (POTTS) wrote a note to Sara this month, one of many
starting off by wishing her well with her health problems.
Then he writes:
Thanks to you and the Firesiders and Mike Moss, I won the club
championship in Pleasanton a few weeks ago after two years of
study. I'm pretty sure I would have given up at the start if it
weren't for you.
He pointed out the difficulties beginners face at OKB with
sometimes being treated badly, including rude remarks and Lehman
vultures descending. He closed with "Fireside is a port in the
storm."
Oh, and he won the club championship playing with Danilo (SHADE)!
Well done to our dear friends, Paul and Danilo!
**********************************************************
Another Firesider wears the Angelfish logo in May! Thanks
Tuna, for a great selection.
Sara wrote the winning nomination:
I want to nominate John Holcomb (J21) for Angelfish. He is
always a real gentleman at OKbridge, and I see him constantly
working with newcomers to OKb, helping them learn their way
around, and working with novice players, helping them to learn
SAYC. He is a volunteer at Fireside, working with DianeW and
FredW3 on Wednesdays, and filling in whenever needed.
John is a joy to play with, always polite, and always an
encouraging word to partner and opponents alike. It's obvious
that he loves the game of bridge, and just enjoys playing, with
anyone and everyone.
I wish OKb had more players like John :)
Congratulations John! Well deserved!
**********************************************************
A nice mention of our friend PATRICIA Wright in the April ACBL
Bridge Bulletin. She is credited with helping her friend and
partner Paul Wright (no relation) to a big win in the Mini-
McKenney race (most masterpoints won at each of the pre- and life
master levels) at the NABC Master level. His winning total was
745 points, almost double the 2nd place finisher's 390 points.
We met Paul and Patricia at the Atlanta NABC last year. Well
done, Paul....and well done Patricia to help him get the points
he needed in this partnership game!
**********************************************************
A special note to Fireside friends who use OKPlus:
We know you cannot see all four hands at the end of the
bidding -- OKPlus does not have the same "practice mode" facility
as OKWin. Here is our suggestion to you...go to Spec mode for
the discussion portion of the hand -- just remember to exit Spec
before the start of the next hand.
Another option -- you can download OKWin and have the full
practice mode option (and a nicer interface for all parts of OKB,
in my opinion) If you would like to give it a try here is the
link:
http://www.okbridge.com/membersclub/software/okwin411.php3
**********************************************************
If you are looking for ACBL masterpoints, OKBridge will be *the*
place to be, starting May 1! For $49 a year additional, you can
play in six daily Masterpoint tourneys a day. Contact OKB for
details.
P.S. The regular free tourneys we all love will NOT change nor
cost extra.
**********************************************************
Law Bids Are in Mutiny by Richard Pavlicek
The Law of Total Tricks is facing global mutiny. Whose book are
we supposed to believe? Stop press! For the first time, I will
reveal my own infallible solution. Find out, as you choose your
call on these six problems from a past tournament. Perhaps you
can even guess the venue from my clues. Try it! It's fun.
http://www.rpbridge.net/8w81.htm
Results of the April play contest "Six Against The Rock" will be
posted May 4, 2006 at 21:00 GMT. For these, and everything else
related to the monthly events, go to:
http://www.rpbridge.net/rppc.htm
**********************************************************
Signing out for this month....Happy Mother's Day!
Hugs, Janice
**********************************************************
While we list the lessons offered by the commentators who write
for The Chat, we want to note that some of our other commentators
and newsletter contributors also give lessons in most shapes and
sizes....mentoring games, tourney play, partnership coaching,
just about whatever type of lesson you could envision.
Please feel free to contact any of them for lessons:
Colin/Kaltica kaltica@mts.net
Bill/Wintaka btreble@shaw.ca
Lynn/Wishtrik lynn@lynndeas.com
Dann/Pooka pspeard@telusplanet.net
Bob/Bridgboy bridgboy@charter.net
Diane/DianeW diane@walkersweb.org
Bernard/Bluebee Bernardh@btinternet.com
Fred/FredW3 Please msg on OKB
Nightowl/Jack trojanowl@aol.com
The lessons can be more affordable than you might think,
especially mentoring games. We think our commentators give you
your money's worth when you choose private lessons, and they
really value your business. Maybe you can hint to a loved one
what you would like for your next birthday!
***********************************************************
Rainbow and Spectrum Series Online!
The popular Rainbow (SAYC and play) and Spectrum (2/1-GF) series
have been automated for your convenience. You can take any of
the lessons at your leisure simply by clicking on either of these
links:
http://www.firesides.net/rainbows.htm
http://www.firesides.net/spectrums.htm
Enjoy!
***********************************************************
Have a comment you'd like to make about the FireSide program? An
event or announcement you'd like to share with the rest of us? A
question you'd like answered? Here's a great place for us to
visit every day and keep up with each other:
http://www.firesides.net/chatline.htm
********************
Can't remember if this is a Mentor Cup week or when the next
Fireside session is? Get the complete schedule of events at:
www.firesides.net/whatsup.htm
Bookmark this page, and check back often. You don't want to miss
anything!
For those of you who use a credit card to support Fireside, it's
easy now with PAYPAL! Go to:
www.firesides.net/support.htm
*********************
FIRESIDE UTILITY SITES
http://www.firesides.net/checker.htm
http://www.firesides.net/dealhand.htm
********************
And if you haven't had a chance to check them out yet, here are
some links to some of the quizzes that Colin has developed to
enlighten us:
www.firesides.net/staymantest.htm
www.firesides.net/sayctest.htm
www.firesides.net/sarctest.htm
www.firesides.net/spectrumtest.htm
www.firesides.net/bidstest.htm
www.firesides/net/IGITSAP.htm (Note that IGITSAP must be in
CAPS.)
Give them a try! They are fun and instructive.
*****************************************************
Events: (All times Pacific)
=================================
FIRESIDE MENTOR CUP TEAM GAME:
==============================
Every other Sunday at 5:00 P.M.
See www.firesides.net/mtc.htm for info and lists of past winners.
To get on the mailing list for this game, email me at
firesider@aol.com.
DISCUSS LIST
============
OKbridge offers us an email discussion opportunity, the Discuss
List. You can join that list by emailing them at
Discuss-Request@okbridge.com and put the word 'subscribe' in the
subject line. You can also participate in the discussions via
the OKbridge web site now, just go to the members area at
www.okbridge.com and you'll find the Discuss List there at the
bottom of your opening page.
OKSCRIPT SEMINAR:
=================
OKScript seminars are held as demand warrants. Email Kaltica to
schedule a session, usually available on the same Sunday as the
Mentor Cup Game, at 2:30 p.m.
OKScript is an add-on program that saves you many keystrokes
while playing on OKB by sending prepared text to the table, opps,
or lobby at the push of a button. Try to download the program
BEFORE the seminar by going to www.firesides.net/okscript.htm.
For more information, email Colin at kaltica@mts.net.
FIFTH CHAIR INSTRUCTIONAL EVENTS:
=================================
Interested in getting a mentor to play with you periodically in
your learning of this wonderful game? Please contact
tarsh1@mindspring.com and ask for a mentor.
SAYC Novice Team Game: Saturdays, at 8:00 a.m. PACIFIC. Newcomers
very welcome! In addition to the team game, there will be an
open table for those waiting to join the team game. This table
will also have a commentator.
2/1 Team Game for intermediate players: Saturdays, 11:00 a.m.
Pacific. Novices are welcome in spectator mode.
Look for the words FIFTH CHAIR beside the server's name, in the
table notes, to attend either of these sessions
You can also go to the Fifth Chair Foundation webpage:
www.fifthchair.org if you have any bidding questions. After
clicking on the webpage, find the Ask Anything section. Write an
email to Lucy, and she will be most happy to answer your
questions.
********************
Moogal (Janice Kofman) stays busy collecting all sorts
of news about our FireSide family members to share with us.
Please help her out by emailing her any news or stories you
are willing to share with the group.
Janice's email address is moocake@bellsouth.net
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Luc for this giggle:
If you are a Lexophile (Lover Of Words), you will love this.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism,
it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it
off.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint
mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a
mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
============================================================
BridgeHands eMag Newsletter
Reprinted with permission from Michael Nistler, editor
and owner of BridgeHands eMag Newsletter. Visit his site,
and subscribe to this excellent publication, by going to
http://www.bridgehands.com.
********************
From the February BridgeHands eMag Newsletter:
Hand Evaluation, part 2 -
Enter the "Rule of 20" Last month we found the "Rule of 15"
provides a secondary hand evaluation methodology when a hand does
not have sufficient strength to open the bidding using a
traditional point count (and partner is a passed hand). The "Rule
of 20" provides yet another tool to consider holding a marginal
hand. Better yet, you can use this in any seat, even when partner
isn't a passed hand. Rule of 20 - add the sum of cards held in
your two long suits to your high card points. If the total is 20
or greater and your honors are in the two longest suits, open the
bidding. The idea here is that when you have a two-suited hand
(5-4, 5-5, or longer), the hand may generate extra tricks based
on the suit length - particularly when you have a suit fit with
partner. Bridge author Marty Bergen is credited with inventing
this handy tool in "Points Schmoints". However, when some players
complained the method didn't always work well, Marty clarified
the two long suits must contain the honors, published in "More
Points Schmoints".
Here's a few hands:
S A K Q 3 2
H J 10 9 2
D 5 4
C 3 2
10 HCP, 5 Spades and 4 Hearts = 19, not quite enough to
open. But if you recall our Rule of 15 lesson last month, we
could open the hand 1S in fourth seat (some play third seat as
well).
S K 10 8 4
H A K J 3 2
D 5 4
C 3 2
11 HCP, 4 Spades and 5 Hearts = 20, so open 1 Heart.
S 10 8 3 4
H A K J 3 2
D 5 4
C K 2
Same 11 HCP, 4 Spades and 5 Hearts, but unfortunately the Club
King is not "working" with our two long suits so we should pass
for now. Incidentally, the reason we have this restriction is
that outside honors do not carry their weight helping promote the
long suits. Secondly, outside honors are often useful as
defensive tricks.
Used correctly, the Rule of 20 is a fine hand analysis tool to
evaluate minimal hands holding nine or more cards in two suits.
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Dloye for this giggle:
Duck Walk
A duck walks into a convenience store and walks up the counter.
The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the puzzled store
clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door.
A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I
don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and walks out.
A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got any
grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any, we don't
have any, and we're not going to have any. If you come back in
here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck
smiles and walks out.
Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The
clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"
============================================================
TREBLE'S TABLE TALK
===================
A New Approach for the Jacoby 2NT
A few months ago, my partner and I had a less than glowing result
in a forcing raise auction that got my thoughts percolating.
Coincidentally, one of my regular teammates, Doug Fisher,
expressed some reservations of his own about the conventional
wisdom on Jacoby 2NT raises and the continuations. That got my
thoughts percolating on whether there might be a superior way to
conduct these kinds of auctions. The hand that caused the
consternation in the first place was:
S-- Axx H-- Axxxx D-- Kxx C-- Kx
The bidding proceeded thusly:
Partner Me
1H 2NT*
3S* 4NT
5S 6H
When partner revealed spade shortness, I merely keycarded and
bounced into slam. Some expert partnerships would relinquish
control of the auction to opener with a conventional 3NT, which
is somewhere between a signoff and a more active slam try.
However, once opener is short in spades, the temptation to go for
bigger things proved to be overwhelming for me. The outcome was
sour, though, as partner had:
S-- x H-- KQ10xxx D-- Qxxx C-- AJ
Certainly a hand that nearly everyone would open, but slam needs
a miracle layout in diamonds to succeed because of the duplicated
holding in the club suit. Of course, you might chalk it up to
poor luck, as six comes home easily if you switch opener's minor
suit holdings. But I found this hand to be vexing, and when Doug
mentioned some concerns of his own about Jacoby 2NT sequences a
few days later, I got into one of my "reinventing the wheel"
moods.
The widely-held consensus for opener's rebids after the Jacoby
2NT are:
new suit at the three-level: shortness in bid suit, singleton or
void, no good five-card second suit to mention.
jump in a suit to the four-level: a good second suit headed by
two of the top three honours.
jump to game in opener's major: no shortness and a minimum
opener.
*Rebid of the agreed major at the three level: no shortness and
extra values with slam interest.
*3NT: depends on whether you open 1NT with five-card majors or
not. If no, the notrump bid shows 15-17 balanced. If yes, it
becomes an idle bid and some partnerships use it to show a 13-15
point hand rich in Aces and Kings.
Doug's bone of contention with the accepted treatment is that
opener with an unbalanced hand must show his singleton or a
second five-card suit, which is apt to be quite helpful to
opponents who know how to defend. Besides, even if the shortness
is good news, responder still has to find out opener's range to
make an accurate determination of slam prospects. He wanted to
explore a method where opener could have the option of showing
his distribution or asking about responder's hand. Note also that
in the existing lexicon, opener can never bid a second suit
naturally unless it's a good five-carder. He might want to show
another four-card suit of reasonable quality, but this doesn't
fit in with the existing structure.
Enough dallying, here's my suggestion, using the example auction
of:
Opener Responder
1S 2NT
?
Now we'd have for opener, in the new scheme of things:
3S: Dead-minimum opener with undisclosed shortness. Now responder
can sign off in game with a minimum forcing raise, or bid 3NT to
ask for the shortness if he wants to try for bigger things. This
is useful because opener immediately defines his hand as
lower-range and promises shortness but the opponents don't have
an immediate blueprint on the distribution. It's up to the 2NT
bidder to decide if he wants to find out at this point.
4S: Dead-minimum opener with no shortness, as in the existing
version of the Jacoby 2NT raise.
3D/3H/3NT: Natural in the bid suit. 3NT shows clubs as 3C is used
for a conventional purpose. Opener might not have significant
extras, but the hand should be good enough that if partner has a
double-fit and a reasonable hand, slam would be on the horizon.
3C: This is an asking bid, where opener is more interested in
finding out about what partner has. Now responder can show both
the range and other features of his hand with:
a) 3D: best news, four-card or longer support with 16 or more
points (could be shaded to 15 with an abundance of Aces and
Kings)
b) 3NT: 3-card support with 16 or more points
c) 3S: Minimum, 12 to a bad 15 but with good trumps
d) 3H: Minimum, 12 to a bad 15 but with not particularly strong
trumps.
With the 3C asking bid by opener, you can incorporate pretty much
anything you want in how responder describes his hand and with
further developments in the auction.
Since this idea is still relatively fresh in my mind, I haven't
really been able to test it in competition, but is seems like a
viable option to use in game-forcing major suit raise sequences.
Whereas the present Jacoby 2NT structure obliges opener to reveal
his distribution and precludes him from showing a four-card
second suit, this would allow him considerably more flexibility.
You can show another suit, promise shortness but warn of a
minimum, or seize the reins yourself and make enquiries about
responder's hand.
Anyway, that's a wrap for now. Back next month with stories of
our Gatlinburg Regional experiences.
********************
You will find Bill doing his FireSide sessions on Fridays or
Tuesdays at 5:30 P.M. OKbridge time.
Bill is available for private/group lessons and/or supervised
play sessions. Email Bill at (btreble@shaw.ca) for more
information.
================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Bezel for these giggles:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the
wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
===================================================
AND FINALLY KALTICA
===================
Some Hand, Handsome!
********************
S- AQJ853
H- 103
D- Q842
C- 8
This hand was an adventure. At first blush it looks rather good,
with all those nice Spades, and it soon gets better: Partner
opens 1D! With silent opponents, you respond 1S and Partner
rebids 2C. A sour note. With no one vulnerable:
What is your rebid at IMPs?
What is your rebid at Matchpoints?
A) 2S?
This wildly pessimistic underbid could only be contemplated at
Matchpoints. Give Partner 3 goodies (e.g. D-AK and an Ace) and
you will lose only 2 rounded suit tricks. The question will
revolve around that trump suit that you were so proud of a minute
ago. Opposite S-x or a Spade void it is entirely possible to lose
two tricks in trumps--and maybe more!
B) 2H?
This 4th Suit will force game (since you won't be rebidding 3H
next) in SAYC. At MPs this is not quite as optimistic as 2S is
pessimistic, but it would seem to presume that you have a Spade
fit or that Partner will have a 4th goodie for 5D. IMHO, this
choice may smack of IMPs exhuberance but will have a larger cadre
of supporters than 2S at any form of the game.
C) 3D? 3S?
3D and 3S are the "middle of the road" options. Which is better
for IMPs and which is better at Matchpoints? Well, at IMPs, it
doesn't matter much which strain we end up in if we aren't in
game. Thus, we should go with the safer choice in case Partner
passes. That would be 3D. If Partner has extras we will hear a
rebid and reach 4S or 5D.
At Matchpoints, though, it most certainly DOES matter which
strain we play in if we rest in a part score. Thus, 3S is the
preferred choice at that form of game.
IMHO, the question revolves around average minimum expectancy
regarding Partner's Spades. We have six, so absent any clues
from the bidding we might expect that Partner has (7 / 3 = 2 1/3)
2 Spades on most days. However, that includes a lot of instances
where Partner will have 4 or more Spades; the bidding tells us
that this is NOT the case. What is more, the chance of even
THREE Spades can be ignored, since Partner would raise with a
3-1-5-4-ish hand if minimum and, if maximum, will bid Spades
regardless of what we rebid, leading to 4S. For all practical
purposes, then, our average expectaction may be closer to 1 than
2 Spades. This could lead to a sad end to a hand that started
out so good-looking!
**********************
You'll find Kaltica (Colin Ward) doing his FireSide sessions on
Tuesday or Friday evenings at 5:30 P.M. OKbridge time.
Colin is available for private/group lessons and/or supervised
play sessions. Email him at (kaltica@mts.net) for more
information.
Rainbow and Spectrum Series Online!
The popular Rainbow (SAYC and play) and Spectrum (2/1-GF) series
have been automated for your convenience. You can take any of
the lessons at your leisure simply by clicking on either of these
links:
http://www.firesides.net/rainbows.htm
http://www.firesides.net/spectrums.htm
Enjoy!
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Wheels for these:
NATURAL LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a
flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every
time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it
will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on
a floor covering...are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go,... there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible... if you don't know what you are talking
about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.
=============================================================
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