FIRESIDE CHAT SEPTEMBER 2002
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome and Announcements
Believer's FireSide Kindling
Bidding with Bridgboy
Guido's Really Important Stuff
This is Your Captain Speaking
Just Jill
Dealing With Dann
Ian's Partnership Stuff
Moogal's FireSide Log
Treble's Table Talk
And Finally Kaltica
=======================================
WELCOME AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
Hi all!
Welcome to the September, 2002 issue of FireSide
Chat, our monthly newsletter written for and about
our FireSide friends and events.
We hope you enjoy all of this month's articles and
features. Please feel free to write to us with any
comments, questions, ideas, or whatever, that you may
wish to share. This newsletter is for and about you,
and we want you to feel welcome to participate. Just
email Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com or Moogal
at Moocake@aol.com.
A special thanks to all of you who have been sending
us contributions for our "giggle breaks". We appreciate
everything you send, and use as many as we can. Keep
'em coming, please! :-)
OKbridge also offers us an email discussion opportunity,
the Discuss List. You can join that list by emailing them
at Discuss-Request@okbridge.com and put the word 'subscribe'
in the subject line. You can also participate in the
discussions via the OKbridge web site now, just go to the
members area at www.okbridge.com
and you'll find the Discuss
List there at the bottom of your opening page.
You can now find our "FireSide Chat" posted at two
different web sites.
You can go to Okbridge's web site:
http://ww
w.okbridge.com/membersclub/periodicals/fireside/
Or find it at our FireSide web site:
http://www.firesides.net/thech
at.htm
FireSide also provides us with a "hand of the week"
feature. Go to our Hand of the Week site:
http://www.firesides.net/fire
side.htm
to check out the fun.
If, for any reason, you do not wish to receive
these mailings, please write to Believer at
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from our mailing
list.
===========================================
CURRENT FIRESIDE SCHEDULE
Day Pacific Time Commentator
MONDAY 11:00 A.M. POOKA
MONDAY 5:30 P.M. BRIDGBOY
TUESDAY 11:00 A.M. BRIDGBOY
TUESDAY 8:00 P.M. CAPTAIN
WEDNESDAY 11:00 A.M. FREDW3
WEDNESDAY 5:30 P.M. DIANEW
THURSDAY 11:00 A.M. POOKA
THURSDAY 5:30 P.M. WISHTRIK
FRIDAY 11:00 A.M. BLUEBEE
FRIDAY 5:30 P.M. KALTICA
SATURDAY 11:00 A.M. WINTAKA/CAPTAIN
Commentators may change without notice,
according to their availability.
*******************
Although there is no set fee for participating in
these "open to all" sessions, please note that FireSide
Bidding Practice Sessions operate with the support of
those in attendance. For information about how to
become a supporting member, please contact Kaltica at
kaltica@mts.net, Moogal at moocake@aol.com, or
Believer at sarastobbe@aol.com
Thanks to all of you for supporting the FireSide sessions
in all the many different ways you have of doing so.
*******************
All articles herein (c) 2002 by FireSide Chat.
All rights reserved.
===============================================
BELIEVER'S FIRESIDE KINDLING
============================
Hi all :-)
Well, I'm sitting here in a motel room in the middle of Nowhere, Nevada.
So
far we've had a wonderful trip, and
been able to visit with some pretty special friends.
Today we got to have lunch with Barb (Bliss) and her daughter
in law at a neat little restaurant in Truckee, (California I
think). That's near Lake Tahoe. What a treat to see Barb!
Thanks for taking the time to drive in and treat us to lunch,
Barb :-)
We visited with Ian and Jill Wilson in Irvine, CA, and got to
have a WONDERFUL dinner at Spaghettini's with the Wilson's,
and Howard (CaptHook) and Sandy Einberg. What a blast
that was. I'm still grinning at my present, Howard!
Not sure whether that was my favorite meal, or the one Ian and Jill cooked
for us. I'm still talking about that chicken, Ian!
I also enjoyed meeting Jill and Ian's daughter, Heather. Any
teenager who will laugh at 'my' jokes, let alone Frank's, is OK in my book
:-)
Still looking forward to seeing Gail37 in Salt Lake City once
we get back to Utah. I was really bummed that we didn't
have a chance to get together before we left to do our
"California Thing". But you'll be hearing from me, Gail, before we head
for
home!
I'm also very excited about seeing Dann (Pooka) Kramer and his wife
Caroleigh
in Calgary in a few days -- then we head across Canada through Moose Jaw
and
Regina (hoping to get in touch with Andy (Captain) Anderson and his wife
enroute), and then on to Winnipeg to visit with Colin (Kaltica) and Denise
Ward, and Bill (Wintaka) Treble, and hopefully a couple of other of my
favorite OKb'ers who live in that area.
I feel like I've missed out on so much lately at OKb. I miss you all, and
the FireSide sessions.. can't wait to get back to "normal". I did keep
'tabs' on Colin and Jan's progress in Montreal -- and want to say
"Congratulations!" to them for their outstanding efforts there. Be sure
to
read about their adventures in Jan's and Colin's columns this month.
I know more congratulations are in order to Lynn (Wishtrik) Deas for her
outstanding achievements in Montreal also! Details about that in Jan's
column too!
I suppose I'll stop babbling here, and get on with getting ready
for publication. I decided to send out the newsletter in two
mailings this month, a part one, and part two type thing, since I have to
mail it out VIA my AOL account, and it's too long to send as one mailing.
I
was going to send it as an attachment, but I ran into problems with that,
too. sigh.
If you want me to remail this newsletter to you after I get home, as one
mailing, just drop me an email and let me know -- I can do that 'no
problem'
once I'm home on my other computer, with my regular mailing list!
Take care all -- and I'll see you online soon!
Sara
*******************
You can write to Believer (Sara Stobbe) at:
sarastobbe@aol.com
============================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to JustJill for this "not really a giggle, more of a big smile"
Subject: FW: Seven Wonders of the World
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present
Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some
disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet
student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was
having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't
quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said,
"Well,
tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then
read,
'I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to see
2. to taste
3. to touch
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added,
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love
The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop.
Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly
wondrous. A gentle reminder this year that the most precious
things in life cannot be bought.
=============================================
BIDDING WITH BRIDGBOY
=====================
What Would Colin Do?
Playing with a student in the Washington, D.C. summer nationals I was
confronted with a problem that I was able to solve in a unique way. I
picked
up the following collection:
S 2
H 987432
D A52
C J10X
Partner opened one heart! I knew immediately they had the spades and could
certainly make a game. Sure enough, the one spade overcall came to me. OK,
I
need a plan to try and derail their obvious march to game (or higher!)
Hmmm, a wild idea -- what would my fellow commentator Colin do? What
guerrilla tactic would 'The Great One From Canada' employ?
Then it came to me. He would start bidding all his suits! So, listening
to
his advice, I bid a quiet 2D. Lefty now bid 2H (no surprise there) and
partner jumped to 4H! I am staring at 6 hearts which partner does not know
about and she is bidding game! Righty now bids 4S and it is back to me.
Again, looking for the magic bid, what would Colin do to try and muddle
the
picture? My first thought was to try and bid my other suit, 5C, but that
seemed too unreal. So I came up with a better solution: I would ask for
aces
and try and figure out how high to bid. Maybe partner will not go past 5H
and
we can steal it in 5H!
So 4NT-P-5S (too bad, two key cards with the heart queen.) No
problem though, I bid a confident 6H and hold my breath. It goes P-P- to
righty who starts to think and finally bids 6S. Drat, to bid 7H would be
foolish.
Colin had guided me thus far, so I ask myself, what would he
lead? A heart is obviously out, so I started with my ace of
diamonds, thinking that at least we would get one trick. It goes, low,
low,
king on my right. With no hope in any other suit I continue with a second
diamond and look at a smiling partner who triumphantly ruffs the trick for
the setting trick. Down one and a top score. The only slam that was cold
was
6D of course!
So I have to thank Colin for his valuable insights that led me to earn a
top
score on the way to a first place overall score!
********************
You can find Bridgboy (Bob Lavin) doing his FireSide
sessions on Monday evenings at 5:30 p.m., and Tuesdays
at 11:00 a.m. OKbridge time.
Anyone interested in one-on-one lessons on any topic of
the game may contact Bob at bridgboy@charter.net
====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Tuna for this giggle:
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and
when
he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to
his
people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going
to
be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a
very cold winter,"
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever.
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like
crazy."
=====================================================
GUIDO'S REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF
===============================
Befuddle the Opponents or Coddle Partner?
Almost since the beginning of Contract Bridge, players have
discussed, argued and changed their minds on the balance
between the evil of giving the opponents information and the
evil of withholding information from one's own partner.
Very early, the object was to give partner as much information as
possible.
However, the bidding (and signaling) tools available were so primitive
that
partner usually still didn't know much about your hand. When the
Culbertson
boom began there were two distinct schools. The smaller school went out of
their way to hide information from the opponents and, therefore, partner.
This was done with misleading bids and outright psyches. Shortly
thereafter,
as bidding tools improved, the larger group begin to splinter into
investigators and blasters. OK, in the current era
what's the best approach?
I do not think it is a simple blast or investigate decision.
Circumstances dictate the approach. It is easier to discuss what NOT to do
than what to do. So here goes .
Victor Mollo used the term 'Daisy Picking' to describe
investigating when there is no reason to investigate. If you
know where the contract belongs, just bid it.
You can carry this a bit further if the feeling moves you. A
common situation is you open one of a major and partner raises to two. You
have a good hand and are well worth a try for game. Do you simply blast to
four or make a trial bid? Often it is best to simply blast. You withhold
important information from the opponents (particularly the opening leader)
and the information might or might not be of use to partner. Often the
gain
in withholding the information will outweigh the inevitable losses
occurring
when a trial bid will allow the partnership to stop at the three level
when
that is correct.
Do NOT confuse this with need to investigate where to play the hand. The
above paragraph talks about a hand where the only decision is whether to
play
at 4 of a major or 3 of the major. How about this one: Partner opens a
strong (15-17) NT and you hold: x-KTxx-AKQxx-xxx. Blasting on this type of
hand will cost you severely in the long run. The hand might belong in 3NT,
4H, 5D or 6D. Even 6H is a possibility. The partnership needs to search
for
BOTH the correct level and the correct denomination.
In summary: Give partner information and attempt to get
information from partner when the information is likely to do you some
good.
Do not be overly worried about giving the opponents the same information.
When the information is likely to be of minimal use to your partnership,
place the contract and be done with it.
********************
You can email Guido at: paulfriedman@attbi.com
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to JustJill for this giggle:
With the miracle of fertility treatment, a woman was
able to have a baby at the age of 75. When she was
discharged from hospital, her relatives came to visit.
"Can we see the baby?" they asked.
"Not yet," said the white-haired mother.
A few minutes later, after talking about the weather,
the relatives asked again: "Can we see the baby?"
"Not at this time," replied the new Mom.
Five minutes later, impatient now, the relatives
asked: "Can we see the baby?"
"Soon, I hope," said the mother.
Growing concerned that something was wrong, the
relatives kindly asked, "Well, when can we see the
baby?"
"When it cries," the mother replied.
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
"Because I forgot where I put it."
============================================================
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING
=============================
Hi folks!
Today I want to give you a short lesson on listening to the
bidding, and paying attention to the leftovers! Notice that
we managed 4% on this board. Not a success, but unlikely our
worst board of the set.
You
Match Points east
Vul: Both S T2
H A9542
D 85
C J952
north south
enemy #1 enemy #2
S J84 S AQ963
H K8 H Q
D KT7 D AQ942
C AKT43 C 86
west
partner
S K75
H JT763
D J63
C Q7
Pairs Board 10
Dlr: East
north east south west
pass 1S pass
2C pass 2D pass
2H pass 3D pass
4S (all pass)
Opening Lead: HJ
Result: +6
Score: -680, Match Points: 4.00%
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
N 8 A-S4 K J-S8 7 C3 K-DK-DT
E 9 2 T A H2 H3 5 H4 5 8 H5
S Q-C6 Q S3-S6 A-DA-S9-C8 2 Q
W HJ 7 K-H7 2 5 6 7 Q 3 J
Question of the day: How do you know to rise with the heart
ace trick # 1??? I am sure you have been taught to wait and
cover the king.
This is a common situation where the declarer has shown 2
5-card suits, maybe even 6-5. A bit of mathematics will tell
you that there are at most 3 cards left in suits that declarer has not bid
--
clubs and hearts in this case.
It matters not how declarer's hearts and clubs are divided. You know trick
one that declarer has the heart queen and you see the club AK in dummy.
This
means that the 3 cards declarer has, even if they are the Qxx of hearts,
will
all go away in a hurry if you do not rise with the heart ace.
Counting sometimes means the leftovers too!
*************************
You will find Captain (Andy Anderson) doing his FireSide
sessions on Tuesday evenings, at 8:00 P.M. OKbridge time,
and every other Saturday at 11:00 A.M.
Captain is a full time instructor on OKbridge, offering
group or individual lessons for anyone ranging from novice
to advanced players.
Email Andy for more information - andy@imagewireless.ca
====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Lots of groaners here from Luc -- thanks, Lucy :-)
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that
morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
============================================================
JUST JILL
=========
I Keep Coming Back
What is it about this game that keeps me coming back,
Whether I am feeling good or seeing what I lack?
Maybe it's the people who are friendly when we play;
Certainly I miss them when our gaming skips a day.
I'm not into tournaments where competition's hot;
I would rather play for fun, and learn and laugh a lot.
Every time we play a few, there's something new to learn,
Always something new to try when it becomes my turn.
I learn when I ask questions like, "What should my bid have
been?"
Or "How could I have played that NOT to take it on the chin?"
I bid, I play, I ask my questions somewhere in between,
Like "How can I finesse this mess?" and what does "on side" mean?
The times I find it hard to learn, and harder to enjoy,
Have more to do with someone who does not mean to annoy,
But rather to instruct and pass on insights as we play,
And let's his own enthusiasms rather go astray.
He loves the game so much, and loves it more that now I play,
And I can learn so much from him, but not all in one day.
I like to have my questions answered, but when I've not asked,
I don't appreciate the information thus unmasked.
I love to play against him, even though we lose a lot;
We're rarely ever partners 'cause it leaves me overwrought;
And other folks-my pard included-love to play with him;
Compared to all these other folks, I sometimes feel quite dim!
Yet something keeps me coming back to face another hand;
I've thought a lot about it now, and think I understand.
For me, the game is intricate and stimulates my brain,
But more than that, I think the people keep me on this train.
(c)Copyright 2002 by Jill Wilson
********************
You can email Jill at ilovechocolate@earthlink.net
============================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Benson for these giggles:
THEY SAID IT!
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself..."
--- Mark Twain
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in her car.
--- Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--- Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--- Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house,"
--- Lewis Gizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at
the wrong house."
--- Jeff Foxworthy
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
--- Milton Berle
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--- Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
--- Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: "Duh."
--- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh...
I could be eating a slow learner."
--- Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
--- Roseanne
"I think this is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--- Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do
tall people burn slower?"
--- Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
--- Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."
--- Mae West
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'By gosh, you're right! I
never would've thought of that"
--- Dave Barr
===========================================================
DEALING WITH DANN
==================
Hi all
At a recent FireSide session we came up with a little
problem: what to respond to a 2 Club strong and artificial
opening.
For all of you who know all there is to know, just treat
this as a review -- for the rest of us, let's pay attention.
Quoting from SAYC notes:
A 2C Opening, Responses, and Later Bidding
----------------------------------------------
A 2C opening shows at least 22+ points, or the playing
equivalent.
Responses to 2C are:
2D = artificial, could be "waiting" with a good hand not suited to a
positive
response.
2H, 2S, 3C, 3D = natural and game forcing.
At least a five-card suit and 8 points.
2NT = a balanced 8 HCP.
While there are a lot of other response styles/systems
out there, this is what we have to work with in SAYC.
Some things to keep in mind before we respond 3C, or 3D,
since we will be raising the level of our auction (almost
pre-empting it). Assuming pard has the most common 2 Club
opening type (strong balanced NT) we now will force 3NT
from pard (bringing further unknowns into the auction, such
as in the auction 2C-3D-4NT? 4N = strong NT (25-27) or
blackwood?)
So think before we leap! Especially if we do not have much
further defined with pard than "OKb SAYC?"
If pard has a suit oriented 2C call (again usually Majors)
and we respond/preempt with a 3C/D bid, then we get into a
poor situation if/when we have no fit for pards major.
2C-3D-3H/S-???- if no heart/spade fit and an open suit with
regards to NT we have put ourselves in a corner with the brush still
dripping!
So I would ask all of you reading this (still) to think ahead
to the next few rounds of bidding before we respond to
partners 2C, anticipate their response to 2D; and see if we
can show our collection to pard easier if we wait, not
leap into action and then try and figure out our next
response. If we can borrow from the Scouts - "Be Prepared"
If you want it in other terms - THINK TWICE BEFORE
SPEAKING ONCE , not only with regards to 2Clubs strong
artificial but with every auction/play situation [bet we all should try
this
one out more! (in life as well as at the bridge table.)]
And on that thought - Happy well considered bidding, all!
Dann (POOKA) Kramer
*******************
You will find Pooka (Dann Kramer) doing his FireSide
sessions on Monday and Thursday mornings, at 11:00 a.m.
OKbridge time.
Dann is available for one-on-one lessons, group mentoring
sessions, and/or tourney play.
For more information, write Dann at: Dann-Kramer@shaw.ca
===================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Benson for this giggle:
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over
a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by
the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what
kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans
naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
IAN'S PARTNERSHIP STUFF
======================
Splinter Bids
Bidding with a Fit
------------------
Occasionally the bridge gods take a moment off from
dealing your partnership its typical fare of Yarboroughs,
misfits, expensive 5-level sacrifices, etc., and deals you a
pair of hands that contain both a decent trump fit, and
values for game at least. SAYC provides two tools for
handling this situation: new-suit-then- jump-in- the-
trump-suit; and the venerable Jacoby 2NT (over major
suit openings). While these work well on suitable hands,
suppose we hear partner open 1h and we have been dealt:
2 AT53 AQT42 KQ6. We belong in game at least, and have
some slam aspirations. What sort of hands can partner have
(other than massive rock-crushers) that will produce a slam?
Let's look at a few candidates:
a) 653 KQ984 KJ5 A3
b) KQ54 K9642 K6 A3
c) 8764 KJ7542 K6 A
d) KJ5 KQ984 653 A3
Hand (a) is your basic 28-point slam, cold against
practically any adverse lie of the cards except for a
diamond ruff (either on opening lead or after sA is taken).
Hand (b) gives you a combined 30 count but not good odds for
slam. Assuming that opps are capable of taking their spade
trick, you will have to guess which hand to start trumps
from to cater for Qxx opposite J.
Hand (c) is a terrific slam on a combined 26-count. How can
we bid it?
Hand (d) is a 28-point game. Slam would depend on finding
the KJ of diamonds under the AQT, about 25%. While that
makes it quite a good slam for Ian & Guido, I trust that
your standards are higher.
How does SAYC fare on these? In all cases, assume the
opening bid is 1h. If we respond with Jacoby 2NT,
Hand (a) rebids 4h (minimum, no second suit, no shortages).
You pass.
Hand (b) rebids 3NT (balanced, extras). You bid 4h (do you?).
Hand (c) rebids? If 3c (shortage), you bid 4h (c.shortage worsens
your hand).
Hand (d) rebids 4h (minimum, no second suit, no shortages).
You pass.
Since none of these auctions got us to slam, we must be
using the wrong tool. Perhaps we need to describe our hand
and let partner in on the decision process.
So let's see what happens when we respond with 2d,
Hand (a) raises to 3d. We bid 3h (forcing), partner signs
off in 4h, and you pass (imagine that their major suit
holdings are Qxx Kxxxx for example).
Hand (b) rebids 2s playing 2/1 Game Forcing. I have no idea
what it rebids playing SAYC where 2s should show reversing
values. Assuming a 2s rebid, we now have to guess whether to
bid 3h or 4h (2s didn't help our hand so we would like to
sign off at this point). Your partnership will of course
have discussed this auction in detail :)
Hand (c) rebids 2h, wishing perhaps that it hadn't opened.
We bid 3h, and opener is worth an effort. A control-bid of
4c fits the situation, and now we will get to this great
slam.
Hand (d) raises to 3d (would you rebid 2NT?). We bid 3h
(forcing), partner signs off in 4h, and you pass (imagine
that his major suit holdings are Qxx Kxxxx for example).
We got to one of the slams - so we're doing better.
If we examine opener's hands that produce slams on marginal
values, it becomes clear that much depends on whether honor
cards are facing shortages (bad) or other high cards (good).
Hands (a) and (d) illustrate this - they are the same hand
but with the spade and diamond holdings switched around.
It will not surprise you to know that there is a bidding
tool for this situation. Enter stage right...
The Splinter Bid
----------------
A splinter bid shows two things at once: a good trump fit, and
a shortage in a specified suit. This allows opener to evaluate at
once whether his high cards are wasted (opposite the shortage)
or working (opposite values).
Splinters are frequently shown by an UNNECESSARY JUMP.
There are other, more arcane, methods but we won't go into
those here. Usually, an unnecessary jump means "one level more
than a jump shift". For example, over a 1 heart opener:
1 spade is a simple change-of-suit response 2 spades is a
jump shift (strong or weak accoring to system) 3 spades is
an UNNECESSARY JUMP
In our example, the auction would start: 1h-3s! (splinters
are [self]alertable).
How would the auction develop on our 4 specimen hands?
Hand (a) has all working cards. It is worth a try (control-
bid 4c).
Hand (b) has 5 wasted points (sKQ). It signs offwith 4h.
Hand (c) has all working cards. It is worth a try (control-
bid 4c).
Hand (d) has 4 wasted points (sKJ). It signs off with 4h.
In both cases where opener makes a try, responder will
accept, so we get to both making slams. A tool that is well
worth having in one's toolbox.
What does it cost?
------------------
A splinter replaces a bid that has very little natural meaning
(what does 1h-3s mean in a natural system?). The costs to
the partnership are:
- memory strain
- providing the opponents with a way into the auction
- disclosing distributional information
Everyone has 'missed' a splinter at one time or another.
You open 1h, partner jump shifts with 3s, you raise to 4s.
Being the ethical player that you are, you ignore the smoke
that issues from partner's ears as he firmly bids 5h, folds
his cards, and writes the contract down on his scorepad. You
work out that this must be some kind of try for 7 spades,
focusing on your heart holding. Since your hearts are headed
by the AKQ, and you have the sQ, which partner doesn't know
about, you confidently bid 7s. OOPS! You are in a 3-1 fit
at the 7 level. Partner didn't jump shift (2s); partner
splintered (3s). Oh well....
Splinters provide a cheap way for opponents to show values
in the splinter suit with a double. This has little or no
lead-directing value; however, it may enable them to find a
sacrifice that they wouldn't have unearthed without the
splinter.
Any time you give partner information, you are giving
opponents similar information. This may help the defence to
find a better lead or line of play - which could be costly
at matchpoints, where overtricks are vital. As with all
toys, it's tempting to wheel out the splinter bid on all
possible occasions, but sometimes it's best just to blast. A
more technical approach to this problem is to have a bid
available that says something like "I have a splinter raise
with an undisclosed shortage" and provide a mechanism for
ascertaining the shortage when interested.
Wrapup and additional thoughts
--------------------------------
Splinters are a very useful addition to your armory. Your
partnership should work out its own definition of a splinter.
Make sure you are *both* playing splinters.
Splinters can occur in other situations than in response to
an opening bid. For example, 1d-1h; 4c! would be a good way
to show an opening hand with a 3-4-5-1 shape and a 19 count.
Splinters are [self]alertable.
The range of a splinter raise of an opening bid should be
fairly well-defined. Something like 12-15 would be a good
starting point. This means that opener doesn't need to make
another try unless he has significant extras.
Don't make splinters on a stiff Ace. Splintering on an ace
will cause opener to under-evaluate a holding like Kxx.
Doubling a splinter is useless for lead-directing purposes,
and it gives a free round of bidding to opponents with good
control-bidding agreements. The double is more useful to
suggest a sacrifice (you have 5 or more of this suit), or to
suggest a lead in another suit (one of Rosenkrantz's many
brilliant ideas, I believe). Your partnership should agree
on what a double shows.
A couple of ethical considerations arise when playing
splinters. One has been noted above (where one of you
'misses' the fact that a bid is a splinter.) Remember than
you are allowed to use bridge logic ONLY to decipher what an
auction means. Bridge logic does not include partner's
anguished screams, nor are you allowed to notice whether
your splinter bid has been alerted or not. Another
consideration arises for partners of Zia devotees such as
myself. Zia has been known to psyche a splinter on holdings
like xxx. Good opponents will tend to look elsewhere for a
lead. This is fine - BUT - make sure that this is as much a
surprise to partner as it will be to the opponents (and the
Director ).
Happy Splintering!
Copyright(C) 2002 Ian M. Wilson
======================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Enjoy---out of the mouths of little children!!!
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he
was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the
most caring child.
The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was
an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing
the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked
him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."
********************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of
a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color
hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he
was adopted. A little girl said, "I know all about adoptions
because I was adopted.
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child. "It
means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart
instead of her tummy."
=========================================================
MOOGAL'S FIRESIDE LOG
======================
OKB TOURNEYS
Sun Aug 11 09:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 Kaltica/moogal 2.79 9
Gotta love those mini's :)
Mon Aug 12 19:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 andyH/Birdie 70.16 12
Congrats to Andy and Fran!! Well done!
Fri Aug 30 11:00 2002
Rank Team Score Boards
1 balto/ecofin 2.39 26
A great result for Dale and his partner Balto!
****************************************************************
NOVICE MENTOR TOURNEY
Congrats to Timbit and TimGreen, the winners of Fifth Chair's
Novice-Mentor Tourney this past month!
Our top finishers:
Thu Aug 8 18:00 2002
Rank Team Score
1 timbit/TimGreen 64.13
2 otherguy/smeddy 63.62
3 ed1/eleanor 63.40
4 LBrown/nancor 61.13
5 de/ecofin 58.35
6 Patricia/rcoop 56.66
7 raven99/Tom-V 52.62
8 believer/tcbm 51.01
9 k/rickms 50.76
10 andre55/janete 50.40
Mentors and novices, join us this month on the 12th - email
Sandra at sandree@attbi.com if you
would like to find a partner
ahead of time. We'll do our best to match you up! I promise you
a fun evening.
****************************************************************
MENTOR CUP GAME
August 11 A tie for first!
Team BAYBARS: Baybars, LHarvey, Bayo, Bagel27 and Metrodoc
Team BOBOWEN: Bobowen, Queenhrt, Pringle and Unicorn
August 25: Team TODD: Todd, Peter_5, JJGass and AndyH
Visit our website at www.firesides.net/mtc.htm for
info and
lists of all our top placing stars. To get on the email reminder
list for these games, contact me moocake@aol.com - all welcome!
****************************************************************
I have to correct a serious oversight from last month.
When I listed our Fireside stars in the Washington, DC
Nationals, I missed a result from the last day's
Bulletin. Diane (DIANEW) finished 5th in the National
Mixed Board-A-Match. Congrats, Diane, and my deepest
apologies!
This might be a good time to mention, I do my best to
find good results by looking in the tourney results
and national event bulletins, but with all the tourneys
and events, I am likely to miss something. PLEASE, if
there is something that should be mentioned here, please
let me know. We do want to give you the recognition
you deserve!
****************************************************************
Last month I mentioned that Jane's (NEOHPYTE) daughter needed
some heart surgery. The outpouring of caring both touched
and supported Jane during this time, and she asked me to
publish this open note to all her friends here on OKB.
Dear Friends,
You really are the most wonderful people. I have been so
touched by the cards, letters, phone calls and enquiries we
have received about Jenny. She is doing fantastically, much
better than I thought she would. She has even put in a spot
of retail therapy with her friends!
The operation went really well. The hole in her heart was
closed, and the valve repaired. She may have to have
a valve replaced sometime in the future but all is well for
now.
I cannot thank you all enough for all you have done. You are
all truly amazing.
Much love to you all,
Jane (Neophyte)
*************************************************************
Make a note: our good friend Imogene is now IMOGENE,
so take LOL6013 off your friend's list and make the
replacement! That surely will be easier to type, thanks
Imo! :)))
**************************************************************
Island of the Dinosaurs by Richard Pavlicek
All bridge players are invited to participate in this new
September bidding poll. There are six problems from a past
tournament, and all you have to do is click a checkbox next
to the call you prefer. As a side challenge, you may wish
to guess when and where the tournament was held, but beware
the dinosaurs! The Jurassic journey begins September 1.
http://www.rpbridge.net/7y01.htm
Results of the August play contest "Slammin' Sammy Goes Deep"
will be posted September 3.
Quiz: http://www.rpbridge.net/7v89.htm
Scores: http://www.rpbridge.net/7v95.htm
Analyses: http://www.rpbridge.net/7v96.htm
****************************************************************
What luck! Eric (ETSAND) and his family decided to spend
their vacation snorkeling in Key Largo. Of course this
meant they had to fly into Miami, and we could meet for
lunch before they headed south. I was a little wary tho, of
letting my husband, Bob, and Eric's wife Ann be in the same
city -- talk just might turn to OKB addiction! :)
We had a lovely lunch on South Beach, watching the spandex
walk by as we ate in an outdoor cafe. We were so busy
talking though, we missed Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
driving by in a convertible!
And just to validate their preconceptions, a Miami Vice type
traffic stop as we walked back to our car! The Miamian's
barely batted an eye, of course:) (On this topic, they have
been filming "Bad Boys 2" here the past two weeks, in and
around downtown. My husband received an email at work, sent
to everyone in his building: "Please ignore any loud
gunshots you hear today". Well, Ok, yawn.:)) )
Eric had a moving experience on his way back to the airport.
Taking a detour to see the house where he lived as a child
before moving away from Miami, he crossed SW 112 Street, and
noticed that it was named for a college friend, Meredith
Thompson, a DEA agent who was killed in the line of duty in
South America.
So glad Eric's family could spend a few hours with us. Take
a peek at us hanging out on South Beach like the cool folks
at www.firesides.net/morepix.htm<
/A>
****************************************************************
Jim (JBOT) and Judy (JKH) had a very successful tourney in
Lexington!
On Tuesday night they played in the Board-A-Match with Mike
and Sandra Marlin (GOFISH and DUALS on OKBridge). They
played Strat B in a stratified event and finished 2nd in A
and 1st in B.
Wednesday they entered the KO's Bracket 2, also with Sandra
and Mike, and won this event Thursday night.
Friday they entered the KO's Bracket 2 again with the same
partners, except they entered a 5-person team. The fifth
person could not play until Saturday so the four of us
played the first two sessions, which they won, on Friday
afternoon and Friday evening. Judy had to leave on Saturday
so she could not participate in the semi-final nor the final
round. However, she collected the points they had already
won. The 5th player played in the semi-final and final
rounds which we won on Saturday night.
Three events -- three wins!!
In all, Judy won about 29 points or so and Duals, Gofish and
Jim won a little over 36 points for the tournament.
According to the Bulletin Jim was 12th on the total MP
winners list for the tourney!
Well done, all four of you!
On a side note, if we see a little less of Jim online, he
has a good reason. He is playing parent to a
highschooler...his grandson, a senior, who is living with
them while finishing out his senior year. He mentioned a
few of the things he has to get used to again about having a
teenager in the house. Good luck to you Jim, and get some
earplugs. :)
****************************************************************
Another successful live tourney experience from Laurie (BAGEL27),
who sends us this note from the Hunt Valley Regional, where she
played with Walt (BBWOLF):
The first day we played in the open pairs, a 2 session event. The
first session we came in first in B and 3rd in A. The second
session was not quite as good, 2nd in B, but we were still
pleased.
Day 2 we played in a knock out, and survived. Semi finals and
(hopefully) finals tomorrow. Had one situation where I cost our
team a couple of IMPs. Declarer was playing in 3NT, and having
the contract in the bag, led DQ to the board. I was sitting over
the board. The board had AJ93, I had Kx in diamonds as well as
2 good spade tricks. When partner played low. declarer thought
for a minute, and then called for the Ace. I heard "8". Does
the board have the 8? Of course not. Did that deter me? Of
course not. I smartly played my K, and then led (out of turn of
course, my good spade. No amount of wailing, "but I heard 8"
did any good. My King was played making all the diamonds on the
board good. Three overtricks for them, courtesy of me. That's
one that could never happen on OKBridge! Thank goodness I
had anunderstanding partner and team mates!! And the fact that
we won in spite of my blunder didn't hurt at all!
Day 3 we continued in the knockouts, and WON! The finals, we
won 101 to 17. Our opponents were very gracious, and
congratulated us on our win. One of them asked how many points
we had as a team. We told them we had 1100 total, and they were
shocked. Said, "The bridge world had better watch out for you
guys!" What an absolutely great bridge education we have gotten
online.
My favorite hand of the final was a BRIDGBOY special. Vulnerable
vs. Not, my pard, Walt, in first seat, held:
S Kxx
H KJxx
D AQx
C xxx
Being a student of Bob's, he, of course, passed. 2'nd chair also
passed. I held
S AJ
H Qx
D xxx
C Jxxxxx
I hated my clubs (even though I had 6 of them) and my points were
all in my short suits, so, with Bob's words echoing in my ears,
I passed, and the hand was passed out. At the other table, I
don't have the bidding, but they managed to get to a contract
where they went down 3, giving us 7 imps for passing. Bob would
have been so proud of us!
****************************************************************
Every once in a while something magical happens.....Montreal was
it for me.:)
About six months ago, Colin asked me if I would like to go
to Montreal with him to play in the Mixed Pairs of the World
Bridge Championships. Sure, why not, I figured, just like
the Nationals we have been going to, right? Well, I didn't
think too much about it until a month before, when I
happened upon the roster of players. EEK! *Every* big name
you recognize was playing in that event! Too late to back
out now!
My good friend Eric (ETSAND) was my psychological coach for
the last few weeks, calming me down, trying to instill some
confidence, and wisely refusing to send me meds. :) You
know your system, that's your advantage, just play your
game! OK, that I can do! I didn't dare tell him that as
Colin and I were walking to the first qualifying session, I
found a mistake on our CC, a convention I didn't play.
Since the CC was laminated, Colin gave me a quick lesson on
the way over and we added it to our game! Not the brightest
move most likely:))
I'll let Colin tell you about the bridge....I'll just tell
some stories.
First and foremost, spending time with Colin and his wife
Denise, and with Bill (WINTAKA) and Marlene (NANTICA) made
the trip worthwhile before we even played a card.
We also got to have dinner with Tuna. I had been looking
forward to this for two reasons.....A) I adore him, and B) I
had to fuss at him for an average minus he gave us the week
before! We were also introduced to his beautiful daughter,
who is just starting college this week, and to KathyT, the
new General Manager of OKB.
Meeting OKB friends for the first time is always a highlight
of these trips. DeniseB was there at the registration desk
when we arrived -- so nice to be greeted amongst the crowds
with a big hug. And If it weren't for her, Colin wouldn't
have located his missing ID badge!
Andre (ANDRE55) arrived at the table during the first
session, more hugs -- He was our biggest supporter while we
were there, kibitzing us, checking our scores, cheering for
us. Thanks Andre, I will always appreciate your friendship
during the three days and your confidence in us! He also
brought Celine (CHANEL) to meet us, and I regret that we
didn't have more time to visit, as it was during a session.
We also had the distinct pleasure of meeting our newest
commentator, Lynn Deas (WISHTRIK). Lynn was the
star of the show once again, winning the McConnell teams
as a member of the Sanborn team!! What a pleasure,
continuing to announce National and World titles for Lynn!!!
(*AND* a sixth place finish in the women's pairs!) Also met
Richie (POMO) and RAIJA for the first time. Raija treated
Richie to a ride while in Montreal....in the front seat of an
ambulance when Raija took ill! Happily all is well now, and
Raija marched herself out of the ER when the starting time for
Pairs approached. Glad to see she has her priorities straight! :)
And wandering the halls between sessions, I spied Elizabeth
(ELIZA) and knew Shelagh (SHEP) wouldn't be far away!
So good to see them both again.
One disappointment, we didn't catch a glimpse of the true
star player at this event: Bill Gates!
I recognized Paul Soloway in the hallway during a break.
Since we often play against him in the OKB tourneys, I
thought it would be nice to go up and introduce ourselves.
Ah, said Mr. Soloway, when he realized who were, "The crazy
pair!". Hmm, I said, pointing to my partner, "Not *us*,
HIM!" :)
On a similar theme, one deal we were having one of our
typical bidding sequences (lots of bidding, doubles,
redoubles). The opponent who was my screenmate (more on
screens later), looked at his own cards disbelievingly, and
whispered to me before making his final bid "One of you is
crazy, I just don't know who." Big mystery there, eh?:)))
The starting times: unlike Nationals, where there are
generally three sessions per day, this event had
two...starting at 10AM and 4PM. Good for sleeping in, and
for a relaxing late dinner with wine, but by noon and 6PM
mid-session I was eating the felt off the table. Colin
would get that worried look when I started asking "how many
more boards?" :)
As we sat for the first session, the TD's went around and
moved all the men to North and West, and all the women to
South and East. Women aren't smart enough to keep score?? I
am sure they had some good reason. :)
OK, the dreaded screens: One of my biggest worries was
playing with screens. Oh how I fretted about those screens.
You have to remember I have only played duplicate with cards
five times in my life (at Nationals) and obviously had never
played in any event "big" enough for screens. Turns out
they are a piece of cake! Just like playing on OKB! You
don't see your partner gnashing his teeth at your play, you
don't bid out of turn because you wait for the bidding tray
to be in front of you, and if you make the opening lead out
of turn you just pick it back up. I did learn one very
important thing: since all your partner and his screenmate
see is your hands, a manicure and tasteful rings are an
absolute necessity in preparation for the trip! When we ran
into opps later, I would recognize the man, Colin would
recognize the woman, never saw the other!
If you have kibitzed us in OKB tourneys, you know that
Colin, who loves his OKScript, has created what I call the
'demon macro' -- "We'll discuss this hand later, Janice."
Translation, I screwed up. Well, with screens, there is an
equivalent -- we'll be playing along for several rounds and
then after a round he slowly stands up and peers over the
screen as if to check for lobotomy scars. Uh oh.:)
The results. Just in case there is ONE person on OKB that I
haven't told yet, Colin and I made the cut for the finals!
And in those finals we finished a hair under avg at 49.56.
For us, that was a win! Sitting in our section our
direction were Garozzo/Dupont and Grant Baze. Coming to our
table as opps were both Zia and Jeff Meckstroth (the
eventual winner), among others. Our final session was a 53+.
What a thrill. Where to next?:)
P.S. Check out www.firesides.net/morepix.htm<
/A> to see me
preparing for Montreal, floating down the Colorado River, on
our trip to National Parks two weeks prior.:))
***************************************************
Can't remember if this is a Mentor Cup week or when the next
Fireside session is? Get the complete schedule of events at:
www.firesides.net/whatsup.htm<
/A>
Bookmark this page, and check back often. You don't want to
miss anything!
For those of you who use a credit card to support Fireside,
it's easy now! Go to:
www.firesides.net/support.htm<
/A>
***************************************************************
So you *think* you know Stayman? Have fun with some challenging
questions at:
www.firesides.net/staymant
est.htm
And if you haven't had a chance yet, a reminder of the other
quizzes that Colin has developed to enlighten us:
www.firesides.net/sayctest.ht
m
www.firesides.net/sarctest.ht
m
www.firesides.net/spectru
mtest.htm
www.firesides.net/bidstest.ht
m
Give them a try! They are fun and instructive.
**************************************************************
Back from vacations, back to school time, back to bridge!
L'Shana Tova, Happy New Year and an easy fast to our Jewish
friends.
Hugs, Janice
**********************************************************
MENTORING SESSIONS
==================
Some of our commentators are offering group mentoring
sessions. This is an easy, fun, and very affordable
way to get both bidding and play instruction with your
partner, friends, or as a single participant. Email
the commentator if you want information on joining
one of the established groups with spots available,
or to discuss a session at your convenience.
Kibitzers are welcome at most sessions.
Watch this spot for future sessions from our other
commentators also!
********************
KALTICA
Colin is currently holding sessions on Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Email him for more information.
You can contact Colin at kaltica@mts.net.
********************
POOKA
Was anybody's favorite dwarf Bashful? If so...Pooka offers
a "private" group mentoring session, in a hidden table
format, for those who would prefer a closed setting for
their mentoring sessions. Contact Dann at:
dann-kramer@shaw.ca for more
information.
*********************************************************
September Events: (All times Pacific)
===============================
NOVICE/MENTOR TOURNEY:
Thursday, September 12, 6:00 P.M. A low-key introduction
to the tourney experience, sponsored by Fifth Chair...
see www.fifthchair.org for more
info on this and
their other services, including getting a mentor.
MENTOR CUP TEAM GAME:
Sunday, 5:00 P.M. September 8 and September 22.
See www.firesides.net/mtc.htm for
info and lists
of past winners. To get on the mailing list for
this game, email me at moocake@aol.com.
OKSCRIPT SEMINAR:
OKScript seminars are held as demand warrants.
Email Kaltica to schedule a session, usually available
on the same Sunday as the Mentor Cup Game, at 2:30 p.m.
OKScript is an add-on program that saves you many
keystrokes while playing on OKB by sending
prepared text to the table, opps, or lobby at the
push of a button. Try to download the program BEFORE
the seminar by going to www.firesides.net/okscript.ht
m.
For more information, email Colin at kaltica@mts.net.
FIFTH CHAIR INSTRUCTIONAL EVENTS:
=================================
Interested in getting a mentor to play with you periodically
in your learning of this wonderful game? Please contact
tarsh1@mindspring.com and ask
for a mentor.
SAYC Novice Team Game:
Saturdays, at 8:00 a.m. PACIFIC. Newcomers very
welcome! In addition to the team game, there will be
an open table for those waiting to join the team game.
This table will also have a commentator.
(This team game on hiatus until September, however there
will be a teaching table open at 8:00 a.m. until the team
game resumes. They can let you know there when exactly
when that will be.)
2/1 Team Game for intermediate players:
Saturdays, 1:30 p.m. Pacific. Novices are welcome in
spectator mode.
Look for the words FIFTH CHAIR beside the server's name,
in the table notes, to attend either of these sessions
You can also go to the Fifth Chair Foundation webpage:
www.fifthchair.org if you have
any bidding questions. After
clicking on the webpage, find the Ask Anything section. Write
an email to Lucy, and she will be most happy to answer your
questions.
********************
Moogal (Janice Kofman) stays busy collecting all sorts
of news about our FireSide family members to share with us.
Please help her out by emailing her any news or stories you
are willing to share with the group.
Janice's email address is moocake@aol.com
====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Luc for this one too:
Washing Instructions....
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M!"
TREBLE'S TABLE TALK
==================
Hot August Days
"Hot August night with the leaves hanging down and the grass on
the ground smelling sweet.
"Move up the road to the outside of town and you can hear the
sound of that good gospel beat."
--Neil Diamond, "Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show."
That pretty well put our activities of the summer in a
nutshell, as we often escaped the sweltering heat by following
the lure of the bridge table. Anyway, in last month's article,
our team had been playing in the Canadian Team Championships
and had not made the playoffs, so my partner Dave McLellan and
I played in the Canadian Open Pairs championships, where we
successfully defended the title that we'd won two years ago in
Halifax. A couple of hands stand out from that event, beginning with:
Both sides vul
North
S KJ8
H A9863
D A73
West C K10 East
S AQ752 S 103
H 5 H KQ742
D QJ98 D K102
C AQJ South C 852
S 864
H J10
D 654
C 97643
West North East South
(Dave) (Bill)
1S 1NT DBL pass
pass 2H DBL pass
pass pass
Usually about 9 or more high card points are required
for a penalty double, but with partner being a first seat
opener and the opponents vulnerable, I rose like a fish to the
bait of a possible +200 or better. This came around to North,
who now scurried out to his long suit, and I again expressed
skepticism about his ability to make 2H.
It SEEMS natural to lead spades, partner's bid suit,
but since RHO HAS overcalled no-trump, you may be playing up
to strength in declarer's hand. Rightly or wrongly, I led a
diamond, following my credo, when in doubt and nothing is
obvious or FEELS right, go with DAS (Diamonds Against Suits).
This certainly hit the bullseye here, as I caught partner with
the QJ and we were able to establish two quick diamond tricks,
eventually force declarer to play spades out of his hand, and
set up a trump promotion on the fourth diamond. The net result
was plus 800 for all the pimples for our side. Prior to this
board, we had been reeling a bit from a poor round on the
previous two hands, so this result put us back on track.
My friend Sekhar has always recommended that if our
side is vul, a 1NT overcall should either be 17-18 points or
15-16 with a source of tricks, but NEVER 15-16 without a good
five-card suit. Certainly, North found out to his chagrin the
hefty price that can be exacted when you overcall in no-trump
with a minimum hand of "aces and spaces".
We stumbled through a 52% game on the first session
of the final day, and dropped from second to a tie for tenth.
The evening game was better, but we weren't setting the world
on fire. Then about halfway through we got a top and the
floodgates opened and we got on a roll, more through largesse
from the opponents than by any real strokes of brilliancy on
our part. However, THIS hand was instrumental in sustaining
our momentum:
North
S Q3
H A103
D AK4
West C AQJ103 East
S 109875 S A6
H J875 H K9642
D 8 D 9762
C 952 South C 64
S KJ42
H Q
D QJ1053
C K87
North East South West
(Bill) (Dave)
2NT pass 3C pass
3D pass 6NT pass
pass pass
As East I was on opening lead, the key issue is whether
to go with a passive defense and hope to score both the Ace
of spades and King of hearts, or is it better to attack with
a heart lead? It seemed as if partner would only have two,
maybe three points, so that is an indication for defending
passively. However, with nothing to speak of in either minor
suit, I decided that declarer would have lots of tricks
available there and would probably score his twelve tricks on
a "safe" lead. Accordingly, I decided to lead a heart. On the
verge of playing a standard fourth-best from my long suit, I
paused to consider that since I was essentially playing him
for SOMETHING in hearts, it didn't matter WHAT I led if he
had the Queen. However, if he DIDN'T have the Queen.....I
thought a bit longer and now placed the KING of hearts on the
table. As you can see, that is the ONLY lead to beat the
contract, as it fells dummy's singleton Queen and declarer
has only eleven tricks on the go. When he played on spades
in the end position, I rose with the ace and led another heart
to partner's Jack for down one.
When the session ended, Dave and I knew we'd done quite
well over the last dozen hands, but was it going to be enough
for us to win? After ten minutes, the scores rolled off the
printer and we had indeed surged into first place by a mere
six matchpoints when all was said and done. The COPCs are one
of those rare events that have cash prizes for the high overall
finishers, and both Dave and I got a cheque for $1000 along with
the handshakes. Although the primary objective in Bridge Week
is to do well in the Canadian teams and that part of it was not
particularly fruitful for us, the COPCs is also a quality event
and to be fortunate enough to win it for a second time was quite
a thrill.
Montreal and the World Mixed Pairs was up next, and I
flew out on August 16th with my partner Marlene Pontifex
("Nantica" on OKB), Colin Ward ("Kaltica") and his wife Denise.
When we got to the Montreal airport, Colin's OKB partner Janice
("Moogal") Kofman was waiting for us, so we took a cab downtown,
checked into the hotel, and then walked over to the playing site
to attend the opening ceremonies and reception. After that, we
registered for the Mixed Pairs, a 440-pair event with three
qualifying sessions after which 40% of the field went into the
finals and the rest played in the consolation. After two
sessions, both Jan/Colin and Marlene/myself were in position to
move through, but had below-average games in the third round.
Colin and Jan had enough of a cushion to get through, but Marlene
and I were on the edge, and when we failed in a 6NT contract that
needed EITHER an ace onside or a 3-3 break in a side suit, our
hopes withered on the vine.
Montreal is famous for it's nightlife and restaurants,
and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves during the four nights we
were there. The session times were 10 and 4, which I liked
because we were always done by 7:30 or 8 at night. Colin
loathed the start times because they involved him getting up at
least two hours before his usual wakeup. To his credit, our boy
was a trooper although he had a vacant, glazed look in his eyes
at the beginning of every day. It was a real thrill to see him
and Jan reach the finals and acquit themselves quite admirably
once they got there, refusing to back down in the face of a very
tough field and playing close to 50% over the last three sessions.
And, of course, there were many fascinating hands, of which
I have a few to relate:
NS vulnerable
North
S QJ2
H 1092
D 96
West C AK532 East
S A8743 S K5
H K65 H J873
D 5 D J8743
C Q1098 South C 76
S 1096
H AQ4
D AKQ102
C J4
South West North East
(Marlene) (Rodwell) (Bill)
1NT 2C* DBL 2H
DBL 2S DBL pass
pass pass
On this hand, we played against world champion
Eric Rodwell, who overcalled 2C to show clubs and a
MAJOR. I would normally have bid 3NT as we had enough
points for game and were vulnerable against non-vul
opponents, and that was Colin's bid at his table after
the 2C overcall. At OUR table, it now seemed as if
our primary source of tricks, my good club suit, might
NOT run, so I elected to defend, and doubled both 2C
and the subsequent retreat to 2S.
I led the Q of spades, and Rodwell won on
table to lead a club to the ten and my King. Since
I couldn't be sure if partner had the ten of spades,
I shifted to a diamond and partner won the Queen and
continued with the Ace. Declarer ruffed and now
misguessed the clubs by exiting with a low one.
Marlene won her Jack, played another high diamond,
ruffed and overruffed. Now a LOW club from me, ruffed
on table whereupon partner overruffed and now returned
a trump. In the end, we got three clubs, two ruffs,
a diamond and two hearts for down three and a great
score, as 3NT fails on a spade lead.
In the second session I had a chance to emulate
the Kaltica bidding technique:
North
S 74
H J853
D A65
West C QJ63 East
S K10 S AQ952
H A962 H K107
D KQJ4 D 102
C 952 South C K84
S J863
H Q4
D 9873
C A107
East South West North
(Marlene) (Bill)
1S pass 2C(!) pass
2S pass 3NT pass
pass pass
I chose to respond 2C on my worthless three-card suit
as a prelude to an eventual 3NT bid. North led a heart to
the Queen and Ace, so now it looks as if three heart tricks
are available. The normal play would now be three rounds of
spades, giving up a fourth trick if the Jack doesn't fall to
establish the suit. However, South will take the Jack of
spades and return the NINE of diamonds to deny any interest
in the suit, and now North will shrug and return a club as
there is no future in the red suits.
The secret to taking the maximum number of tricks is
to PLAY the hand exactly the way you have bid it. Accordingly,
I led a CLUB to the second trick, inserting dummy's 8 when LHO
followed low (I would have ducked if he had put in the Jack).
Now South returned a diamond, I put in the Queen as LHO won
the ace and returned the suit. Winning dummy's 10, I now
FINESSED a spade to my ten, cashed the King of spades, then
two diamonds to sluff clubs from table, and now a heart to the
ten for 11 tricks and a superb result.
On two back-to-back hands in the Consolation, we played
against a Chinese pair and had quite a duel of wits:
On the first hand, both sides vul, I held this collection
of baubles:
S A973
H AQ64
D A10
C 932
Marlene opened 2H and RHO overcalled 3D. 4H seems like
the straightforward bid, but I felt that LHO may well sacrifice
in 5D if I chose that bid. At this vulnerability, partner must
have SOME other value than the KJ of hearts, and IF that value
were the King of spades, King of diamonds OR the Ace of clubs,
I would have nine tricks in no-trump while ten winners in hearts
would not be a certainty. The only situation where 4H is wrong
is if partner has the K or QJ of clubs as her outside value. At
any rate, after considerable pondering and navel-gazing, I
elected to bid 3NT, opposite which partner laid down:
S K10
H KJ9875
D 96
C 986
Nine tricks were unassailable in 3NT, while 4H usually
went down, losing three clubs and an eventual diamond.
On the companion board, my RHO retaliated with some
excellent table feel and card-reading:
North
S J1097
H 84
D 943
West C K1084 East
S Q843 S K2
H J73 H AKQ5
D AK5 D K8
C A75 South C QJ962
S A65
H 10962
D J10762
C 3
West North East South
(Bill) (Marlene)
1NT pass 2C pass
2S pass 3C pass
3NT pass 4NT pass
pass pass
East had immediate visions of slam, and first
looked for a major suit fit, then bid 3C, natural and
game-forcing, and continued with an invitational 4NT
after partner's signoff. West, having opened a 15-17
point 1NT with only 14 HCP, was in no mood to encourage
partner.
The lead was the Jack of spades, covered with
the King and Ace, and partner returned a spade. Declarer
played low, I won the seven and then played the 10 of
spades and West took the third trick. Now he played
four rounds of hearts, and I pitched a "discouraging"
4 of clubs on my first discard. He now thought for a
while, took his three diamond winners and threw me in
with the fourth spade to endplay me into leading away
from the K of clubs for his tenth trick. There are a
number of small clues point towards the winning line.
First, I MIGHT not have led a spade into declarer's suit
if I did not have a possible side entry. That argues
for the K of clubs in my hand. Second, I have shown in
with four spades (likely) and two hearts. IF I had
five diamonds, I might have led the unbid suit instead
of a spade. So I have seven minor suit cards which
probably include at least three clubs. If I had 10xx
in clubs, I would not pitch a club since if partner had
the King, North would have to retain his ten as a possible
third-round winner in the suit. So my discarding is
consistent only with two holdings: xxx in clubs or that
I'm lying and really DO have the King of clubs. At any
rate, a great pair of hands where matchpoints were WON,
not lost or given away.
Finally, a hand to wrap up that was a "could have
been" if I were playing with Dave McLellan:
North:
S KQ86
H KQ5
D 653
C J54
South:
S A10532
H J743
D Q
C AQ7
The auction went the same at virtually every table,
with South opening 1S, responder making a limit raise to 3S
which opener now passed. This illustrates one of the
shortcomings of the limit raise, as opener is faced with a
pure guess on unbalanced minimums such as this one. Dave
and I play the space-consuming jump raise to 3S as 12-15
HCP with four-card support and a balanced hand. A 2NT
response, on the other hand, is EITHER a limit raise in
spades, 10-11 HCP, or a GREAT supporting hand of 16+ points.
NOW opener has room to make a help-suit game try with an
unbalanced minimum. So our action would have gone:
South North
1S 2NT
3C 3H
4S
South makes a help-suit game try with 3C, and
responder now lobs the ball back to opener with 3H,
promising values in that suit while denying anything much
in diamonds. That is music to opener's ears, as hir Jxxx
is filled in and now South should proceed on to 4S.
Anyway, that's it for this month. Next issue
we'll have a report on the Fargo Regional and some other
events.
********************
You can write to Wintaka (Bill Treble) at: bbtreble@mts.net
You will find Bill doing his FireSide sessions on Tuesdays
at 11:00 A.M. OKbridge time, and on alternating Saturdays at
11:00 A.M. OKbridge time.
Wintaka and Kaltica present classes on: SAYC (Rainbow
Series) 2/1 (Spectrum series) Precision (Prism Series), and
other selected bridge topics (Kaleidoscope series).
They also offer private/group lessons and/or supervised play
sessions. Email Bill (bbtreble@mts.net) or Colin
(kaltica@mts.net) for more
information.
==============================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to Tara for this giggle:
While crossing the border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by
a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving
they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on
his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard
demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but
sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the
cyclist with the bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist
downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't
say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
=================================================
AND FINALLY KALTICA
===================
2002 WBF World Mixed Pairs
On August 16th, 2002, my wife, Denise, and I
landed in one of our favourite cities: Montreal,
Quebec. Denise had come as a tourist. I was there
to play in the World Bridge Federation's World Mixed
Pairs with our very own Janice "Moogal" Kofman. This
was a first for both of us in many respects. For me,
it was the first time that I would play in a WBF event.
This was true of Janice, too, but she would also be
encountering bidding screens for the first time. This
was not the only source of apprehension for Janice,
though.
When we signed up for the event months earlier
I calculated that we might be lucky enough to qualify
into the Finals. I had to revise this aspiration
downwards when I saw the list of names that had
registered, though. How strong was the field? Imagine
a list of contestants in which Benito Garozzo playing
with Lea Dupont is NOT among the top five favourites!
In light of this and the fact that only the top 44%
would survive the cut after 3 rounds I recalculated that
if we made it out of the bottom 25% we would consider
our efforts to be wildly successful. Qualifying for
the Finals? Forget it!
The event had only three negatives. The directing
was the worst I've ever seen in my 30 years of playing
this game. One TD faced a three-part ruling at our
table and managed to go 0-for-3 in his conclusions. He
did not even bother getting the facts right before making
his decision. Billy "Wintaka" Treble castigated us for
not demanding a committee, but after two grueling rounds
the thought of explaining the fundamentals of conflict
resolution, Unauthorized Information and hand evaluation
to a group of strangers didn't appeal to us. Ironically,
Bill and his partner, Marlene "Nantica" Pontiflex, had an
equally absurd ruling at their table. A TD had brought
the boards back and plunked them onto the table, admonishing
Bill and Marlene not to pass them until the round was called.
Their new opponents sat down, pulled out their cards and bid
1NT before Bill and Marlene (N-S) could object. The same TD
then assessed N-S a half board penalty for allowing this to
happen! Fortunately, a more rational Director overturned
this ruling in short order.
The second unpleasantry involved the event's (for
want of a better word) "organization". Normally, one
registers, picks up their welcoming package and then
attends the opening ceremonies, comfortable in the
knowledge that one is enrolled. Here, registration
opened at 7:30--but you weren't allowed to register!
Ahem. Instead you had to go to the opening ceremonies
and watch two HOURS of CLOG DANCING (nope, not making
this up). Then you would register and proceed to the
second table downstairs to pick up your name tags--only
to find out that THIS table closed as soon as the first
table actually started accepting the registrations!
This lack of organization popped up again when the
table assignments for the 4:00 P.M. game were posted
"promptly" at 4:20. Hmm...if nothing else, it made us
appreciate the ACBL's one good quality: they know how
to run a National. We'd have been lost without the help
of DeniseB at the Welcome Desk. Lovely red satchels
with the WBF imprimateur were handed out to anyone
brave enough to ask for them. These became known as
"red bags of courage" to those who finally got theirs.
It seems that some of the paranoia associated
with online bridge has seeped into the WBF. Players
were not permitted to stand up except to go to the
washrooms. Cell phones--even if turned off--were
prohibited. There was no accomodation for smokers--no
breaks, no smoking area, no permission to step outside.
Male players had to sit West and North, females South
and East (to avoid "jockeying"?). Most startling was
the fact that drinking alcohol was forbidden. At a
BRIDGE tournament? Isn't that heresy or something? :)
We came well prepared. I had filled out and
laminated our convention card before leaving home.
A simple task? Hardly. The WBF convention card
takes three HOURS to fill out.
Playing behind screens, you see only one
opponent (i.e. your "screenmate"). Bids are passed
on a tray back and forth under the screen. You
alert and explain your own and Partner's calls to
your screenmate. Partner does the same for her
screenmate. While many whisper these explications,
it is important that no one hears you on the other
side of the screen. Hence, we are encouraged to
write down our explanations. Since this can be very
time consuming, I designed a laminated "bidding mat"
with words like "transfer", "relay", "penalty",
"takeout", et cetera so that we could simply point
at these instead of writing them out. You can catch
a glimpse of this (and see Andre55's photos of the
event) in the last picture at:
http://www.attcana
da.net/~andre55.msn/Photos.htm
Consider the following points and try to guess
where Jan and I ended up in the standings:
1. Almost every time we went down one, vulnerable,
we were doubled. Almost half the part scores
were doubled, and none of these made our way.
2. We were hopelessly outclassed in card play.
3. To no one's surprise, we misdefended too often.
4. Of 156 hands we opened fewer than 15, and two
of those openings were pre-empts.
5. We were repeatedly "fixed".
6. Our opponents missed only one slam and bid all
but two games.
7. My hands were so bad that I couldn't even
psyche (except once, as you will soon see).
8. The opponents always doubled our sacrifices;
not once did they press on and go down.
9. Of the 52 pairs we met only one was not markedly
and demonstrably more experienced than us. Bear
in mind that this was only the FIFTH time that
Janice had played duplicate with actual cards.
10. Even our strengths were blunted. Jan's favourite
convention, Defensive Doubles, gave us about a 1/4
board advantage over the field (less than half of
what they normally garner us).
So how do you like our chances so far? :)
My guess is that considering all of these factors
few would give us any hope of getting out of the bottom
10% of the field. Amazingly, we finished in the top
44% and qualified to the Finals! What is more, in a
star-studded field we finished with 49.58% in that
Final, 44th in the last of the three Final sessions
(with 53.18%).
The question arises: HOW??? :)
The direct answer is: System.
We played simple SARC with a few gadgets. Most
importantly, we KNEW our system well. We did not
have one misunderstanding and bid confidently (if
defensively, for the most part) throughout. Our
opponents, by contrast, were often arguing about,
settling or tweaking their system as they went along.
Slightly more than half of our adversaries played
2/1-GF (made for IMPs but, in my humble opinion,
suicide at Matchpoints). Of the ten auctions that
started with 1H:1NT or 1S:1NT we averaged 70% and got a
plus score on ALL of them. Again in contrast to many
of our opponents, Jan and I played without a hint of
acrimony between us, keeping our concentration and
composure despite whole strings of bad results. Well,
to be accurate, we did so for the first 18 boards of
each set, at least. Then Jan would start demanding to
be fed. Note to self: bring chocolate bars next time
Jan and I play Face-To-Face bridge. :)
My favourite hand of the event came right after
our opponents celebrated their +1100 top (5C doubled,
down 5 after their Multi 2D opening) too exuberantly
for my tastes. Once again they opened 2D showing a
weak 2 bid in either major:
Colin
S- K108642
H- Q Neither vul, MPs.
D- J
C- 109652 East
S- AQ5 S- J7
H- 965 H- KJ732
D- AK D- 106542
C- AQJ43 Jan C- 8
S- 93
H- A1065
D- Q9763
C- K7
After East's Multi 2D and Jan's Pass, West
forced with 2NT. Now, a three part question:
1. What would a sane person do with the North hand?
Answer: Pass. What else?
2. What would Colin normally do with the North hand?
Answer: Bid 3S, of course.
3. What did a slightly miffed Colin bid here?
Answer: Yup, the obvious 3H.
East passed, thinking that this showed a minimum
and hoping that West might re-open with a double. Jan
foolishly raised to 4H with a mere H-A1065, apparently
not expecting to lose 4 NATURAL trump tricks there. All
of this convinced West that East's major MUST be Spades
and that she was PROBABLY short in Hearts (given all of
our Heart bids). Would you believe he bid...5S? :)
When the smoke cleared West confirmed: "Down 5?"
"Yup," said I. "Undoubled, though."
Both boards gave Declarer's side the same 0 out of
95 Matchpoints. Yawn. Another uneventful 50% round. :)
For me, the trip had a number of social
highlights. Meeting Andre55 was the greatest of
these. His Gallic charm kept us all amused as he
guided us through the maze of restaurants, streets
and corridors. His culinary tastes were impeccable.
He took us to "L'Orchide de Chine" (The Chinese
Orchid) where we had the best oriental food I've
ever eaten. Indeed, this may be the one time in
my life where I actually out-ate Billy "Wintaka"
Treble--a feat which may have dwarfed our bridge
accomplishments. When our waiter tried to remove
one of my unfinished plates I almost bit his arm off.
Denise commented afterwards that I seemed to have
picked up some of our pet Corgi's table manners. :)
Meeting Lynn Deas was another highlight. We
weren't sure what she looked like, but knew that
she gets around in a wheelchair. Sure enough, Jan
and I accosted every woman on wheels that we found
and accused them of being Lynn Deas. On or about
the fourth try we actually got the right one. My
wife and I got to pat Lynn's French Poodle, which
eased the fact that we both missed our little Cora
the Corgi. Shortly after we ran into Lynn we tracked
down Richard ("Pomo") and Raija Reisig and said hello
to them.
Celine ("Chanel" on OKBridge) Poulin kibitzed
us briefly but, sadly, we didn't get to talk to her
much. :(
Tuna finally caught up with us on the last
day. He took us out to dinner to pay off a bet
that he'd lost to me (yes, 1S:2C:2H:3S *is* game
forcing in SAYC and don't you forget it!). We
talked about OKBridge matters, mostly, but I did
manage to teach him about Texas Idiot Transfers
(i.e. they bid 4H so we bid 4S without bothering
to look at our hands) at this time. For those
who have not had the pleasure, meeting Tuna would
be a highlight of ANY trip.
There were more than a few humour highlights,
too. One occured when a somewhat exasperated lady
from Boston sat down and pre-alerted us to the fact
that her partner was from New York. :)
Another was a strange incident took place as
Denise and I made our way through the throngs on the
second day of play. A lady whom I had never met
before came up and planted a huge, wet kiss on me
before announcing:
"I want to have your children!"
Without batting an eye I turned to my wife
and asked:
"Denise, do we have a couple of kids we could
spare?" :)
**********************
You'll find Kaltica (Colin Ward) doing his FireSide
sessions on Friday evenings at 5:30 P.M. OKbridge time.
Kaltica and Wintaka present classes on:
SAYC (Rainbow Series)
2/1 (Spectrum series)
Precision (Prism Series),
and other selected bridge topics (Kaleidoscope series).
They also offer private/group lessons and/or supervised
play sessions. Email Colin (kaltica@mts.net) or
Bill (bbtreble@mts.net) for more
information.
=====================================================
GIGGLE BREAK
Thanks to BobW for this one:
You Gotta Love The Military
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a
red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys. "Yours is."
********************
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the
phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes,
General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along
your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to
hook up your telephone."
********************
Army Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Army Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Army Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try
it again.
Army Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Army Soldier: No, SIR!
********************
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon
a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said, "You're both wrong, those are moose
tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
*******************
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered
Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll
just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my
grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"
========================================================