Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club (Humour Only)

Bridge At the Corners

from "Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club"

Introduction
Part 1: Nascence
Part 2: Attila
Part 3: The Maggot
Part 4: Cowboy
Part 5: The Sultan
Part 6: The Maggot Makes a Finesse!
Part 7: The Lady In Dread
Part 8: The Leading Man
Part 9: A Beauty and a Pearl
Part 10: The Beast of Bridge
Part 11: Laze, Lays and Leis
Part 12: Encore!
Part 13: Breakfast of Champions
Part 14: Replay
Epilogue and Travelogue

Introduction



     This is the complete bridge humour series on the 
`Fearsome Foursome', residents of Punkydoodles Corners,           
excerpted from the manuscript `Bridge at the Corners:  The 
Canadian Club'.  The complete manuscript details the peculiar  
Precision-esque bidding system these characters employ.
If you would like to see a reposting of the entire manual,
including the technical sections detailing the Canadian Club,
please post your request OR leave the author an e-mail message 
at cpw@escape.ca.  Your comments are welcome!

      For our purposes, simply IGNORE THE BIDDING entirely!
               
Technical note:  To comply with standards and allow EVERYONE  to
distinguish the suits I will employ letters (c, d, h and s) for
suits rather than the symbols.  I thank Messrs. Lewis and
Buchhorn for this suggestion.

Part 1: Nascence


     Most people would be reluctant to believe that anyone would
name their town "Punkydoodle's Corners".  But for a small speck
on the northern landscape that skepticism would have served them
well.  It is true that this is not a megapolis.  The greeting
"Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners" is written on both sides of
the sign.  The closest thing to a subway system was constructed
by two gophers on a Tuesday afternoon.

     Six months ago I was driving through that area,
understandably desperate to find a highway back to civilization. 
A typical male, I proudly and stubbornly refused to stop for help
until I was beyond all help.  I was hopelessly lost.  In
Punkydoodle's Corners, no less.  And I was about to learn that
there is no road back from Punkydoodle's Corners.

     Judging from the road signs there are a lot of services to
be found in Punkydoodle's Corners:  fire station, mayor's office,
general store, post office, meeting hall, police station and
municipal office.  Unfortunately, there is only one building in
town:  a brown brick house plastered with official signs.

     I entered via the front door.  The main floor was a general
store.  Food, clothing, hardware, building supplies,
pharmaceuticals--everything but a clerk.  The place was deserted! 
I took a steep stairway up to the offices on the second floor. 
Again, there was no one around.  The third floor was smaller,
fitting under a slanted ceiling.  Once more, desolate.  I
retreated down to the ground floor, trying not the think of
Stephen King.  On the way out I noticed a second stairwell
leading down to the cellar.

     As I stepped down these stairs scenes from the Amityville
Horror House flashed through my mind.  It occurred to me to tread
lightly and announce my presence.  This area was "NRA country"
(i.e. Beirut has tougher gun control laws).

     "Hello," I shouted.  No response.  I continued down the
steps into the bowels of darkness.  What I saw when I reached the
cellar scared me more than any loaded gun.  Indeed, it made me
wish I were in Amityville.  

     A sixty watt light bulb barely illuminated a table in the
middle of the room.  Hunched around this table were five hideous
figures:  one birdlike, the other four roughly humanoid.  It was
an anthropologist's dream come true:  an Australopithecus, a Cro-
Magnon, a Neanderthal and a Troglodyte.  I wouldn't even guess at
the bird's exact species;  it was a massive conglomeration of
black feathers, talons and beady, carnivorous eyes.  I stared in
terror at these still figures until I convinced myself that this
was a wax museum.  I then scanned the room for signs of more
modern human life.  No such luck.  As my gaze returned to the
table I chanced upon a sight which made my blood run cold.  

     Smoke!  The Troglodyte had a pipe in its mouth and there was
smoke billowing from it!  I gawked in disbelief.  Suddenly, one
of the figures moved!  The Cro-Magnon.  He moved!  I distinctly
saw his hand pick something up from the table and relocate it to
another place on the table.

     Thirty seconds later I was back in the car, two miles down
the road.  My car was doing 120, my heart was doing 130.  I drove
for hours, turning here and there as the notion struck.  I was
completely lost and couldn't find so much as a farm house.  There
was nothing but miles and miles of more miles and miles. 
Finally, I spotted a building up ahead.  I strained to read the
road sign in the falling darkness.

     "Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners."

     My fate was obvious.  I was stranded in the Twilight Zone
and my only option lay in re-encountering my evolutionary
ancestors. 
     
     I descended the stairs as if I'd been consigned to Hades. 
Deafened by the pounding of my own heartbeat I stood beside the
table.

     "Could one of you gentlemen direct me back to the main
highway?" I squeaked.  No reply.  The primates could not be
distracted.  I leaned forward to see what was keeping them so
enthralled.  My jaw dropped.  Cards!  These primordials were
playing cards!

     "Shouldn't you guys be inventing fire or something?"  I
wondered to myself.  The four players continued to ignore me. 
Not so the bird.  Its head swivelled as I moved around the room. 
Two hawklike eyes shadowed my every move.  If nothing else, the
bird made me feel welcome--as welcome as a steak in a crocodile
pit. 
     
     Being an inveterate cardplayer myself I concentrated on
finding out what game these pre-humanoids were playing.  I was
convinced that it would be some crude derivative of Snap, War or
Go Fish.  I observed a pattern.  The players would grunt in
clockwise rotation.  Then one would put a card face up on the
table.  The one on that ape's left would then lay down all of his
cards face up.  My God!  They were playing bridge!

     I listened more closely to their auctions, hoping to learn
how to bid in Neanderthal.  I discerned that, with a little
imagination and allowances made for dialect, facial hair,
familiarity and lazy elocution these grunts could be construed as
English.  Couldn't "Nar" constitute a bastardized "one heart"?

     I pulled up a chair and began kibitzing.  The calibre of
play was unremarkable.  Indeed, to call these characters "kitchen
bridge players" would be an insult to all three terms.  What
intrigued me was the bidding.  Stuck in this remote location, far
from the outside bridge world, these characters had fashioned an
utterly unique bidding approach.  What caught my attention was
seeing them bid confidently up to 7C on:

     Opener:      s- Ax      h- AKxxx   d- Ax      c- KQJ10
     Responder:   s- KQxxx   h- Q       d- xxxxx   c- Ax

          The auction had gone thus:

     1C        - Strong and forcing.
          1H   - Game-forcing response showing 5+ Spades.
     1NT       - "Do you have a second 4+card suit?"
          2C   - "Yes, I have 4+ Diamonds.
     2NT       - "What is your short suit?"
          3D   - A fifth Diamond.
     3H        - "Again, what is your short suit?"
          3S   - Short in Hearts.
     4C        - "Let's set Clubs as trumps for now."
          4S   - No c-Q, minimum, 1 Ace or the King of Clubs.     
      4NT       - "Kings?"
          5D   - One King outside Clubs.
     5H        - "Do you have anything extra--a Queen, perhaps?"  
          5S   - "Yes, the Queen of Spades."
     7C        - "Ruff a Heart high, draw trump and claim 13."    
         Pass  - "You're the boss."

     As the bird's glare finally returned to the game I began to
relax and settle in for the long haul.  I spent the next four
months there, learning more about the system that was able to
reach 7C on these cards.

Part 2: Attila


     Seated in his customary chair furthest from the room's only
window is the loudest and most intimidating of the humanoids. 
This obnoxious and overbearing ape is aptly named "Attila".  A
certified graduate of the Rush Limbaugh Charm School, Attila has
the same good nature and pleasant demeanour one would expect in a
wounded rattlesnake.  He is every bit as disturbing as he is
disturbed.  Indeed, this insanely vicious and cold-blooded
reptile is the world's one and, we hope, only Rabid Rattler.  He
refers to strangers as "intruders", partners as "idiots" and
adversaries as "pigeons".  For obvious reasons, I was never able
to determine what he calls his friends.  This "Caustic Caution"
saves his harshest vitriole, though, for "Fleshie", the bird
sitting on his partner's shoulder.   Only during his kinder
moments would he call Fleshie a "guttersnipe vulture" and
"feathered freak".  When Fleshie trounced Attila in the
Punkydoodle's Corners mayoralty race the bird received a letter
bomb in his mailbox.  Since then, Fleshie has suspected Attila of
trying to make him an offer he couldn't defuse. 
     
     The "Rattler" considers himself the best of the four
players.  He is, in fact, the worst.  True to type, Attila blames
his copious errors on his partner "hanging" him during the
auction or play.  In fact, such accusations account for the man's
full name:  "Attila the Hung".  Attila occupied centre stage on
one of the first hands I kibitzed in Punkydoodle's Corners:

                         s- xxxxxx
                         h- Kxxx
                         d- J10x    
                         c- x
     s- xx                                    s- AK
     h- J10x                                  h- AQ9x
     d- xxxxxx                                d- AKQ
     c- J                                     c- xxxx
                         s- QJ10
                         h- xx
                         d- x
                         c- AKQ10xxx

     Sitting South, vulnerable versus not, Attila opened 3NT. 
Pass. Pass.  Attila's Right Hand Opponent noted the vulnerability
and the Declarer.  Pass!

     When his h-J was allowed to win the first trick, LHO
continued with the h-10.  RHO overtook this with his h-Q.  He
then cashed the h-A, the s-AK and the d-AKQ.  Attila bared down
to  c-AKQ10 and s-Q.  When RHO, with h-9 and c-xxxx, switched to
a small Club the Caustic Caution "knew" that RHO must have c-
Jxxxx.  Why else would he play this way?

     "Congratulate me, pard," crowed Declarer as he put in the c-
10, "I certainly maximized the result here!"

     After watching the opponents win all 13 tricks his partner
agreed.

     "For the defence," Dummy muttered under his breath.

Part 3: The Maggot


     It is said that "bad luck comes in threes".  Sitting across
from Attila is a hapless, unkempt Cro-Magnon known affectionately
as "The Maggot".  His first and most serious curse is already
evident:  he is sitting across from Attila.  The Maggot's
appearance and personal hygiene could be described as
subminimal-- even by Punkydoodle's Corners standards.  This, of
course, does not escape the attention of his partner, who calls
him "The Ghost of Cleanliness Past", adding "long past" under his
breath.  The Maggot's second misfortune is the presence of
Fleshie on his left shoulder, glaring at anyone guilty of making
an error.  This, of course, means that Fleshie stares fixedly and
contemptuously at the Rabid Rattler.  In turn, this brings the
Maggot even more abuse from his partner, who has positioned the
Maggot and Fleshie nearest the window in the hopes that either
the fumes or the "Plumed Profanity" might escape.

     The Maggot's third jinx is his inability to make a
successful finesse.

                         s- Axx
                         h- AQxx
                         d- AQxx
                         c- J109
     s- xx                               s- Kx
     h- 83                               h- KJxx
     d- J10xxx                           d- K9x
     c- KQxx                             c- xxx
                         s- QJ109xx
                         h- 10xx
                         d- xx
                         c- Axx

     In the South seat our hero opened 3S, which everyone
passed-- Attila doing so only reluctantly.  After the h-8 was led
the Maggot surveyed dummy.  He muttered his thoughts as he
contemplated a course of action.

     "Hook a Heart or two, hook a Spade, take two Club hooks and
the Diamond--Geez!  More hooking than Xaviera Hollander..." 

     The h-8 lead allowed Declarer to take/lose a free finesse in
that suit.  Winning the trick with his h-J RHO switched to a
Club.  The Maggot ducked and watched LHO win with the c-Q and
return the d-J.  The d-Q produced the d-K from RHO.  Back came
another Club.  The Maggot ducked this and saw LHO win the c-K and
return the h-3.  The Maggot inserted the h-Q, losing a trick to
the h-K and another to a Heart ruff.  LHO exited with a Spade to
his partner's King for down two.

     "Holding my hand, a lesser player would have raised to 4S,"
Attila boasted.

     "Yes," agreed the Maggot quietly, "but where would we find a
lesser player?"

Part 4: Cowboy


     I have come to know the Troglydite as "Cowboy".  Perhaps it
was his maverick style or his bullish optimism that brought him
the name.  Or perhaps his horse mane hair and card sharp
reputation brought him the monicker.  This cowpuncher is the
direct antithesis of his opponents.  He is easily the luckiest
bridge player in the world.  He quickly attracted the envy of the
Maggot, who turns green at the sound of Cowboy describing a
finesse as "two top tricks".  This explains why the Maggot calls
him "God's Favourite Atheist".  The Cowboy is charming as an
individual and skilled as a player, garnering him a place right
next to Fleshie's in Attila's Pantheon of the Despised.  

     In one rubber the Atheist defeated a 99% game before making
a 1.8% part score, a .4% game and a slam whose chances could only
be measured with exponential notation.  Seeing this, Attila
stormed into the local Post Office and tacked up a large picture
of the cowpoke.  A caption underneath the photo read:  "The Law
of Average's Most Wanted Man".

     Indeed, Cowboy's success has prompted him to take to
cheating in order to provide his opponents an excuse for their
inevitable losses.  Long before I arrived on the scene Cowboy and
his previous partner established the practice of passing messages
and cards underneath the table.  At one point this traffic became
so regular and dependable that Attila dubbed it "The
Punkydoodle's Corners Subway System".  Cowboy's old partner
became known as "The Conductor" for his contribution to the local
transit authority.  But the Conductor left the game, citing some
flimsy excuse (he was getting married).  Since then, his name is
rarely mentioned in polite Punkydoodle's Corners circles.

                         s- 
                         h- Qx
                         d- Jxxxx
                         c- AKJxxx
          s- A                           s- J97xx
          h- Jxx                         h- xxx
          d- AKQxxx                      d- xx
          c- Qxx                         c- xxx
                         s- KQ108xxx
                         h- AKxxx
                         d- 
                         c- x
                           Cowboy

          Opener    Maggot    Cowboy    Attila

           3C       Pass       3H        4D
          Dble      Pass       6S       Dble
          Pass      Pass      Rdble     Pass
          Pass      Pass

     The 3C opening was slightly off-shape.  Cowboy ventured a 3H
response to ask for Opener's major suit shortness.  The final
contract might seem ambitious to many.

     Our hero ruffed the d-A lead and pondered his chances.  This
did not take long, since he had so few.  He lead a Heart to the
Queen and ruffed a second Diamond.  He now played off two top
Hearts from his hand and then lead a club towards dummy.  When
Attila played low he finessed with the c-J.  Two top Club honours
allowed him to ditch his two small Hearts.  When he lead a
Diamond from Dummy the Maggot, down to only trumps, was forced to
ruff.  Cowboy over-ruffed, exited with his lowest Spade to
Attila's Ace before claiming the last three tricks with his s-
KQ10.

     "Six Spades, doubled and redoubled--oh, and vulnerable,"
scored Cowboy, "that's +2070."  It was a number he knew well. 

     "Would it have helped," wondered a shocked Attila, "if I had
led my Ace of trumps?"

     Cowboy shook his head, saying:  "It wouldn't have helped us
at all."

     The Maggot was non-plussed.

     "Where do you get your luck?" he asked.

     "Well, sometimes it comes from above," drawled the cowpoke,
casting a glance towards Attila, "and sometimes it comes from
another direction."

Part 5: The Sultan


     Sitting across from Cowboy is the Sultan:  a tall, thin wisp
of a man whose misfortune rivals the Maggot's.  The Sultan's
first curse is his looks:  he bears an unfortunate resemblance to
Ron Palileo ("Horshak" from "Welcome Back Carter").  Rising from
his uneven facial features between vacant eyes is a veritable
mountain of a nose.  The Sultan once woke up to find that Attila
had rented out his nostrils as a two-car garage.

     "He looks like a can opener with hair," commented the
Caustic Caution and, for once, few would disagree.  None of this
talk disturbs the Sultan's happy-go-lucky manner.  His sunny
disposition and massive proboscis resulted in him being dubbed
the "Happy Hooknose".

     The Sultan's biggest problem, though, is his inability to
attract High Card Points.  Known alternately as the "Duke of
Yarborough" or the "Sultan of Spot", this man is largely
responsible for the structure of negative responses in their
system.  Indeed, the touchstone of a 100% forcing bid is one that
even the Sultan cannot pass.  On one occasion the Duke went three
months without a single High Card Point.  When he finally got a
hand with a High Card Point--a measly Jack--he stopped the game. 

     "Wait a minute," he whispered suspiciously, "one of my cards
is staring at me!"

     After another such dry stretch the Duke gave up on his
pursuit of Aces and face cards.  Instead, he developed the Low
Card Point Count:  4 points for a ten, 3 for a nine, 2 for an
eight, 1 for a seven and one extra point for possession of all
four deuces.  During this period of development he picked up this
hand:

                         s- A10
                         h- AQ9
                         d- AK53
                         c- AQJ9
     s- J987                                  s- KQ
     h- 654                                   h- KJ10
     d- 987                                   d- QJ10x
     c- K64                                   c- 10875
                         s- 65432
                         h- 8732
                         d- 42
                         c- 32
                         Sultan

               Cowboy    Attila         Sultan    Maggot
                 2NT      Pass            3H       Pass
                 3S       Pass            4H       Pass
                Pass      Pass
     
     Attila led the h-6.  The Sultan called for the h-9.  Winning
this trick with the h-10 the Maggot returned the d-Q.  The
Hooknose played off the d-AK before entering his hand with a
Diamond ruff.  He took the Club finesse before returning to his
hand by ruffing Dummy's last Diamond with his h-7.  At this point
Attila considered tossing a Club to blank his c-K but the Sultan
could then make by playing a Club followed by the Ace and Queen
of Hearts, eventually endplaying the Maggot in Clubs.  Instead,
Attila threw a small Spade.

     Another Club hook allowed the Sultan to play off the c-A
before ruffing Dummy's fourth Club with his h-8.  A Spade to the
Ace and another Spade endplayed the Maggot in trumps.

     "Four Hearts, not vulnerable, making five" scored the Maggot
disgustedly, "for 450."

     "It was a good thing you had the seven and eight of Hearts,
pard" observed God's Favourite Atheist drily.

     "What?" asked an indignant Sultan.  "You think I bid on
nothing?"

Part 6: The Maggot Makes a Finesse


     Sleep is an unplanned affair in Punkydoodle's Corners.  One
player takes too long for a play or call and the others either
recognize that he is asleep or fall asleep themselves.  Soon all
four players are unconscious.  Only rarely do any of them make it
as far as their beds in the adjoining rooms.  On one occasion I
awoke to find the Caustic Caution, Cowboy and the Duke of
Yarborough picking up their hands.  They wondered aloud about who
was going to go into the Maggot's bedroom to wake him up.  All
three refused the mission and then turned to stare pointedly at
me.  Clearly, the job was mine.

     I inhaled deeply before entering the Maggot's crypt. 
Instantly, I sensed where Attila's letter bomb must have
exploded.  Garbage, sweaty clothes and debris were scattered hip
deep about the room.  I stumbled towards the Ghost of Cleanliness
Past, still holding my breath.  I shook the comatose Maggot
awake.

     "Is it tomorrow already?" he moaned, wiping the blur and
sleep from his eyes.  Pausing for a moment to orient himself to
reality-- such as it is in Punkydoodle's Corners--the Son of Miss
Fortune threw on a bathrobe.  He yawned inadvertently, his
morning breath curling my eyebrows.  I helped him to the table
where he took his seat and picked up his first hand of the day.

                         s- 52
                         h- Q97
                         d- J94
                         c- A10765
     s- 1074                                  s- K8
     h- 543                                   h- J862
     d- 632                                   d- K54
     c- 984                                   c- KQJ3
                          Maggot
                         s- AQJ963
                         h- AK10
                         d- AQ108
                         c- 2


          Maggot    Sultan    Attila    Cowboy

            2S       Pass       3C       Pass
            4C       Pass       4H       Pass
            4S       Pass      4NT       Pass
            5C       Pass       5H       Pass
            6C       Pass       6D       Pass
            6S       Pass      Pass      Pass

     The auction reflected the peculiar bidding style of the
PdCers.  After the Maggot's game-forcing 2S opening Attila
confessed to hold the Club Ace, no King, Queen, length or 
shortness outside of the Club suit.

     The Happy Hooknose led a small Club and dummy came down.  It
seemed like an unremarkable hand to me.  Six Spades, requiring
one of two finesses.  Realizing this, the Maggot conceded down
one and threw his cards into the centre of the table.

     "Come on, Mag", chided his partner, "at least give it the
old college try."

     The Ghost shrugged his shoulders and picked up his hand
again.  Winning the first trick with the c-A he lead a Spade
towards his own hand and inserted the s-Q.  It held.

     "Nice defence," commented the Maggot.  He knew the script by
heart:  he would waste his last entry to dummy in order to repeat
the finesse;  the Sultan would win the second round of Spades and
then Declarer would not even be able to get back to dummy to lose
the Diamond hook.

     "Kto skazal `A'," muttered a resigned Maggot, astonishing me
with his knowledge of Russian proverbs.  Once you've said `A'
{you must say `B'}.  He re-entered Dummy with the h-Q and played
a small trump.  The Law of Average's Most Wanted Man contributed
the s-K.  The Maggot stared at the card until the truth set in.

     "A finesse!" he shouted.  "I made a finesse!  I can't
believe it!  I made a finesse!"

     With this he threw his cards up into the air and jumped to
his feet.  Waving his arms and screaming uncontrollably, he
started dancing an Irish jig.  With surprising grace he made the
transitions into a tarantella, a skottische, a brief Charleston
and then a stylized Cossack sabre dance.  At this point he caught
sight of the other three players looking at him with coprophaegic
grins spread across their faces.  Slowly the truth dawned.

     "Oh, no," cried the Maggot.  "You...you couldn't have...you
wouldn't...you didn't..."

     "Enough of this fun, pard," announced the Rattler, "it's
time to play some real bridge."

Part 7: The Lady in Dread


     I asked the players why they were not interested in playing
duplicate bridge.  In truth, I had an ulterior motive:  if I
could find a duplicate game I could find civilization and get out
of Punkydoodle's Corners.  The players stared at me blankly. 
Later, the Maggot took me aside and explained.  The PdCers had
been declared primata non grata at every club in the district. 
It seemed that sensitive listeners didn't want to sit with
earshot of Attila, bidders didn't want to sit in the same
direction as the Duke, first place aspirants didn't want to play
in the same game as God's Favourite Atheist and nose breathers
didn't want to sit downwind of the Maggot.

     Nor were the Maggot or Attila quick to return after their
last foray into duplicate bridge.  Lured by the glamour and
excitement of a National the residents of Punkydoodle's Corners
travelled "en masse" to the big city to participate.  The Open
Pairs event involved 13 2-board rounds.  As two dignified ladies
approached their table the Rattler hissed:  "Here come two sure
tops." 
     
     On the first hand the woman on Attila's left brought home a
chancy slam in spectacular fashion.  What she did on the second
hand is still a subject of reverent whispers around Punkydoodle's
Corners.

                          Maggot
                         s- QJ87
                         h- AK86
                         d- 8
                         c- A1064
           Our Heroine                   H's Partner
          s- K62                         s- 42
          h- Q4                          h- J752
          d- AKQJ7642                    d- 1053
          c-                             c- 98732
                          Attila
                         s- A10953
                         h- 1093
                         d- 9
                         c- KQJ5

          Maggot    H's Pard  Attila    Heroine
            2H        Pass      3S        4D
            4S         5D      Pass      Pass
            5S        Pass     Pass      Dble
           Pass       Pass     Pass

     With both sides vulnerable scores on this hand were "all
over the map".  Many North-South pairs chalked up +620 for their
vulnerable 4S game.  Others collected +200 against the opponents'
good 5D sacrifice.  Some unfortunates spat up -710 for doubling
4D.  But only the Ghost of Cleanliness Past and the Caustic
Caution found a way to go for -800.

     With cucumbrian coolness our heroine led the d-2 from
d-AKQJ7642.  Her partner did a doubletake at winning this trick
with her ten before returning a low Club.  The lady in the
limelight trumped this and switched to the h-Q.  Attila won with
the h-K in dummy and finessed a Spade.  Winning this trick our
heroine put her small Heart on the table.  Attila harrumphed,
confidantly calling for a small Heart from the table.  When RHO
won this trick with her only High Card Point (I leave it to the
reader to guess which direction the Sultan sat in this event) she
tracked back another Club.  Our heroine ruffed this and
magnanimously conceded the remainder of the tricks.

     Silence reigned at the table until the Director called for
the next round to commence.  The ladies wished them luck and
moved on. 

     "You were right, pard," said the Maggot cheerfully.  "Two
tops just came and went."

     The Ghost shook his head glumly as he finished relating this
story to me.

     "I made a note of that lady's name in case we ever ran up
against her again."

     "Oh?  Who was she?" I asked.

     "She went by the name of Helen Sobel.  Ever hear of her?"

Part 8: The Leading Man


     Those who hold cards as poor as the Sultan tend to find
themselves on opening lead more than the rest of us.  And, just
as "practice makes perfect", the Duke's experience and skill in
this field has earned him the role of "leading man".  On rare
occasions when he is at a loss for a good opening lead Cowboy
comes to his rescue, humming "The Troglydite Song", "Diamonds Are
a Girl's Best Friend", "Dear Heart" or "Coal Miner's Daughter"
for a lead of the appropriate suit.  In recent years this
practice became more refined, adding tunes to call for either of
two suits or any of three suits.  Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red"
is geared towards a Heart or Diamond lead.  Gordon Lightfoot's
"Black Day in July" attracts a Club or Spade start.  Bob Dylan's
"Black Diamond Bay" encourages any lead other than Hearts. 
Unfortunately for those with earshot, Lady Luck's Lover is
completely tone deaf.  As the Rattler has pointed out, the
cowpoke couldn't carry a note in an envelope.  His mournful,
off-key humming has caused this lead directing convention to be
called "The Dreary Convention".  
     
     Staring at  s- Qx  h- 109x  d- xxx  c- 109xxx the Hooknose
heard this auction:

          Attila    Sultan    Maggot    Cowboy

            2D       Pass       2H       Pass
            2S       Pass       2NT      Pass
            3C       Pass       3S       Pass
            4D       Pass       4S       Pass
           Pass      Pass

     Knowing that Opener holds 16-17 HCPs, 4-4-1-4 distribution
and 0 or 3 Key Cards what should he lead?  The Duke needed no
help from Dreary here.  As soon as the final pass came out of his
mouth a small Spade shot out of his hand.

                     Maggot
                    s- J10xx
                    h- J
                    d- KQ10xx
                    c- Qxx
      Sultan                        Cowboy
     s- Qx                          s- Axx
     h- 109x                        h- Kxxxx
     d- xxx                         d- AJ9x
     c- 109xxx                      c- J
                     Attila
                    s- K9xx
                    h- AQ10x
                    d- x
                    c- AKxx


     Cowboy won the trump lead and returned another.  Attila
couldn't see the point in rising with the King;  what idiot would
lead from s-Qx?

     Winning with the s-Q the Hooknose returned a Diamond to
Dummy's King and partner's Ace.  This allowed the Law of
Average's Most Wanted Man to play a third round of trump. 
Declarer could no longer set up Diamonds.  Instead, the Rabid
Rattler banged down the h-A and tabled the h-Q for a trumping
finesse.  The Sultan broke out laughing at this effort.

     "You thought that I could be dealt the Spade Queen and the
Heart King on the same hand?" giggled the Duke of Yarborough. 
     "No," blushed the Caustic Caution, "but I couldn't think of
anyone on your side more deserving of the Heart King."

     "It was the Spade King, not the Heart King, which was
misplaced," opined the Maggot.

     "But the Spade King was in my hand," said Attila, bewildered
by his partner's observation.

     "Yes," agreed the Maggot, "and at trick three it was still
in your hand!"

Part 9: A Beauty and a Pearl


     The Maggot continued to regale me with stories of their
participation in the Nationals.  They had arrived on Friday, just
in time to play in the Swiss Teams.  The Ghost insists that their
entry into the playing room might have gone unnoticed had the
Head Director not pointed at them and screamed "Aliens!"  The
Fearsome Foursome was forced to retreat under a hail of boards,
pencils, chairs, shrieks and abuse.  They regrouped in the men's
room.  A terrified occupant of one of the cubicles was impressed
into service as an intermediary.  This go-between negotiated with
the directors to facilitate the Foursome's participation in the
tournament.  He returned with terms:  the players would have to
change into clean clothes, bathe, remove all facial hair and
ditch Fleshie.  While the others promised reluctant compliance
the Maggot remained adamant.  Clearly, this was no way to treat a
visiting dignitary such as the Mayor of all Punkydoodle's
Corners.

     Eventually a compromise was worked out.  The Foursome rented
a hotel room, scraped off their beards, cleaned themselves up and
changed their ecoutre.  They cut up a bedsheet and threw it over
Fleshie.  After showers, shaves and shroud they re-entered the
playing site without incident.  The PCers bought their entry and
sat down.

     The first opponents to play against Attila and the Maggot
were a kindly old grandmother playing with her attractive
granddaughter.  The Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune stopped
fuming for a moment to smile at his adversaries.  Fleshie was not
so mollified.  The granddaughter wondered what was under the
shroud and why it was on the Ghost's shoulder.  The Caustic
Caution explained that it was a cancerous growth, an oozing open
sore too hideous to show the public.  His partner quickly clamped
his hand on the top of the sheet to quell any squawks.

     The Rabid Rattler turned his attention to the elder
opponent.  Glancing at her convention card he chortled:  "I don't
believe it.  She's so old her name is Pearl."

     As play began this abuse continued.  Whenever the lady
failed to make a bid or play in exact tempo the Caution prodded
her with such charming admonitions as "Come on, lady.  Before
rigor mortis sets in..." and "Hey, lady, nap time is between
rounds!"

     For her part the grandmother never lost her composure.  She
smiled in the face of this abuse, even thanking the Rattler for
reminding her when she might catch some sleep.

     As play progressed Attila became even more offensive--though
one would have to know the man to believe this possible.  His
mood deteriorated after the first hand:

                          Maggot
                         s- 7
                         h- KJ95
                         d- AKJ97
                         c- 964
           Pearl                         Beauty
          s- AQ10643                     s- 852
          h- A6                          h- 108432
          d- Q843                        d- 102
          c- K                           c- J103
                          Attila
                         s- KJ9
                         h- Q7
                         d- 56
                         c- AQ8752

          Attila    Pearl     Maggot    Beauty
            2C        2S       Dble      Pass
            3NT      Pass      Pass      Pass

     Three No Trump was made easily at the other table after a
Spade lead.  Declarer won, entered dummy with a Diamond and lead
a small Club to the c-8.  Five Club tricks, two in Diamonds and
two in the majors added up to nine.

     At this table Pearl offered up the Trojan Horse lead of the
c-K.  The Caution can resist anything but temptation.  Without a
moment's thought he scooped up the c-K with his c-A, banged down
the c-Q and never saw his hand again.  In with the c-J the Beauty
dutifully played through a Spade for partner.  Two Spades and a
trick in every other suit meant down one, -100.

     Sadly for the Fearsome Foursome, this was one of their
better boards from this round.  

     "But how could anyone lose a seven board match by a hundred
and nine IMPs?" the Sultan wondered in the post mortem.

     The granddaughter approached the Maggot with her sympathies. 
     "I'm sorry about that...that thing," she whispered sweetly. 
     "Oh, don't worry about this," the Ghost said nonchalantly,
stroking the top of the shroud, "it'll be fine."

     "Oh, that," she said, "I'm sorry about that too."

     Pearl confirmed the score.  Yes, 109, that was correct. 
Attila was shell-shocked, incapable of coherent speech.

     "Wha...wha...what happened?" he blithered.

     Pearl swung on her heels, pointed at her tormentor and
hissed through clenched teeth:  "That'll teach you, you f#!#@!#
pooch!"

Part 10: The Beast of Bridge


     Every town or city is afflicted by its own version of the
Caustic Caution.  The host city of the Nationals was no
different.  Theirs was a nasty, unprincipled lout known as the
Beast.  Ironically, while the Maggot and Attila battled the
Beauty and Pearl, this particular local burden was playing only
three tables over.  Fate, in the form of a Tournament Director
looking for an excuse to evict the Foursome, would soon bring
them closer still. 

     Acting as team captain, the Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune
picked up their second round assignment.  Hoping for a scouting
report, he strolled over the the man from the washroom who had
negotiated their entry into the event.  The rest of the PdCers
joined them.

     "What's this guy like?" asked the Ghost of Cleanliness Past. 

     "Well," drawled the go-between, "let me put it this way: 
this is the one guy who can trace his ancestry forward...to the
Book of Revelations!"

     "Come again?" said the Sultan.

     "Let me give you another clue," continued the diplomat
diplomatically, "when this guy talks about the Four Horsemen he
ain't referring to the Cartwrights."

     "The Beast!?" guessed the Maggot.  Even as far away as
Punkydoodle's Corners people had heard of the Beast.  It seemed
that no one ever wanted to play in the same game as this
disgusting, underhanded reprobate.  No one, that is, except God's
Favourite Atheist and the Caustic Caution.

     "Dibs on the Beast!" they shouted in unison.  Their motives
were clear enough.  Lady Luck's Lover wanted to meet a fellow
card sharp;  perhaps they could compare notes and talk shop. 
Attila felt his position threatened by the notion that anyone
could be more obnoxious than he.  The two men began bickering
about who should be accorded the dubious honour of playing
against the Beast. 

     "I have a solution," offered the washroom ambassador, "why
don't the two of you play together, you know, as partners?" 
Cowboy and the Rattler looked at each another.  Again they
shouted as one. 

     "When hell has hockey!"

     Nevertheless, there was no other solution.  Word of the
match- up spread and a crowd of ghoulish kibitzers crowded around
the table.  Onlookers did not have to wait long for the fireworks
to begin.  Oddly enough, the Beast's opening salvo was one of
Cowboy's favourite ploys.

                     B's Partner
                    s- Kxxx
                    h- AQx
                    d- Jxx
                    c- Qxx
      Cowboy                        Attila
     s- xx                          s- x
     h- xxxxx                       h- J10xx
     d- 98x                         d- AK10x
     c- Jxx                         c- xxxx
                     Beast
                    s- AQxxxx
                    h- K
                    d- Qxx
                    c- AKx

     A standard 1S:3S:6S auction left the Beast in a seemingly
impossible slam.  Impossible, that is, after the Cowboy led the
d-9.  Declarer ruffed the Caution's d-K, only to have dummy ask: 
"No Diamonds, partner?"

     "No...whoops...sorry, I do have a Diamond," stuttered the
Beast clumsily as he produced the d-Q.  Attila switched to a Club
and watched Declarer pitch his two Diamond losers on Hearts.  6S,
making, -1430. 

     "A Trump Commotion," observed the Law of Average's Most
Wanted Man.  "Well done."

     The Beast followed this up with another old standby.  With
c-AJ9x opposite c-K108x he faced a two-way finesse for the c-Q. 
He won the opening Heart lead in his hand and then tried to lead
c-10 from dummy.

     "You're leading from the wrong hand!" protested an excited
Rattler.

     "Sorry," apologized the Beast as he led a Club to dummy's c-
K before letting the c-10 ride.  Attila's agitated state had
alerted him to the location of the c-Q.

     "A Blue Cross Coup," said Cowboy patiently.

     "Why do you call it that?" queried the Beast.

     "Try it on us again," the Rattler seethed, "and you'll find
out."

     On the third hand God's Favourite Atheist opened a
pre-emptive 3H.  The Beast's partner made a loud but
"co-operative" double on  s- xx  h- AQ9x  d- AKx  c- Axxx.  In
light of the volume of the double the Beast decided that his most
co-operative action would be to leave the double in--with four
Spades and a singleton Heart.  This decision turned out to be
very prescient:  +500 as opposed to the -500 that 3S contract
would have cost.

     "The Rabies Rule," commented Lady Luck's Lover drily.  When
partner is frothing at the mouth it is usually right to leave his
double in.

     None of this disturbed Cowboy.  What did finally upset him
was seeing "third and fifth" written on the back of the Beast's
convention card.

     In the isolated environment of Punkydoodle's Corners "3rd
and 5th" does not refer to a carding convention.  Rather, it
refers to a method of dealing with the opponents' 1NT and higher
level openings--especially artificial 2-bids.  Before passing,
one can show a good hand by subjecting Opener's partner to the
third degree.

     "What is the range of that bid?" suggests 6+ HCPs.

     "Do you play it straight-up or with variations?" shows 9+
HCPs.

     "What negative inferences can you draw from this bid?"
promises a full opening bid.

     "Does he ever psyche this opening bid?" guarantees 20+ HCPs
and is forcing to game.

     Holding a hand weaker than 6 HCPs one clams up like a
witness citing the Fifth, passing without a word.  This
understanding, called "Third Degree and Fifth Amendment" or just
"Third and Fifth", is a well known defence against alerts in
Punkydoodle's Corners.  Playing 3rd and 5th was one thing; 
marking it on your card was quite another.  Cowboy couldn't
believe their cheek. 

     Cowboy's thoughts returned for a moment to the previous
hand.  Clearly, the Beast was familiar with the Rabies Rule.  But
did he know that it was only one of the Three R's of bridge? 
Cowboy saw that it was his duty to round out the Beast's
education.   

     He started with the Rocket Rule:  "When your HCP count is
down around zero, blast off" or, more succinctly, "Count down? 
Blast off!"  The Caution opened 1NT, not vulnerable versus
vulnerable opponents.  The Beast held 14 HCPs and began
questioning the Cowboy.  What was the range of their 1NT?  Did
they ever open 1NT with both majors?  Could there be a 5-card
major?  Does it imply Club length?  Lady Luck's Lover answered
all questions calmly and politely.  Once the Beast passed God's
Favourite Atheist jumped to 3NT on a balanced yarborough. 
Unfamiliar with pre-emptive jumps in No Trump, the Beast's
partner, holding 13 HCPs himself, concluded that the Beast had
psyched his interrogation on a bust.  Pass.  Pass.  Pass. 
Declaring 3NT, down 6, turned out to be only half as expensive as
defending 3NT. 


                     Cowboy
                    s- Axxx
                    h-
                    d- J10xxx
                    c- Kxxx
      Beast                         B's Pard
     s- KQ10x                       s- xx
     h- AKJxxx                      h- Qxxx
     d- Ax                          d- xxxx
     c- x                           c- xxx
                     Attila
                    s- Jxx
                    h- xxx
                    d- KQ
                    c- AQJxx

     Attila    Beast     Cowboy    B's Pard
       1NT       2H        3H       Dble
       3S       Pass       4S       Pass
      Pass     DOUBLE!     4NT      Pass
       5C       Pass      Pass      Pass

     This hand allowed the Cowboy to demonstrate the Richter
Rule:  Run from any double that registers higher than 2.1 on the
Richter scale.  The Beast's double of 4S caused tables to shake
three counties away.  5C, of course, was Attila-proof and allowed
the Fearsome Foursome to chalk up a double game swing by making
4H at the other table.

     When the smoke cleared the Foursome had won by 36 IMPs and
none of the kibitzers were demanding their money back.

Part 11: Laze, Lays and Leis


     The unholy alliance of God's Favourite Atheist and the Happy
Hooknose were still lazing in their beds when Fleshie and I were
convinced to try playing the Canadian Club.  I agreed hesitantly. 
The bird was amenable.  It was Fleshie's turn to deal.  He stood
in the middle of the table beside the shuffled deck and tossed
cards one at a time in all four directions.  The Maggot propped
up Fleshie's cards in the bird's rack.  The Ravin' Raven stepped
behind this rack to begin the auction.

                          Me
                         s- 
                         h- 543
                         d- AQ7642
                         c- 10843
           Attila                        Maggot
          s- AK3                         s- 987642
          h- KQJ98                       h- 
          d- KJ                          d- 1098
          c- QJ5                         c- 9762         
                          Fleshie
                         s- QJ105
                         h- A10762
                         d- 53
                         c- AK

     "Misdeal," announced the Ghost of Cleanliness Past. 
"Someone dealt me the Sultan's hand."

     Fleshie ignored this objection, opening the bidding with 1H. 
After Attila's pass I was faced with a number of systemic
options:  2H, 3H, 2D or 2NT to be followed by 3D.  I chose the
mini-splinter response of 3H, accentuating my Spade shortness. 
Aggressive bidders by nature, the Punkydoodle's Corners crowd
tends to consider all invitations forcing.  Fleshie was no
exception to this rule.  At his turn he bid 4H and, when the
Caustic Caution's double came around to him, flashed his beaver
card.

     Attila lead the h-K and smiled at Declarer when the
Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune showed out.

     "Let's see how the Plumed Profanity handles the Hawaii trump
split!" cackled the Caution.

     "Hawaii?" I asked.

     "5-0," explained the Maggot.

     "Oh, of course," I said meekly.  "Silly me."

     Fortunately for us, the plain suits lay much more favourably
than trumps.  The Macho Mynah won the first trick with the h-A
and banged down the s-Q, ruffing out the Caution's s-K. 
Returning to his c-K, Declarer tabled the s-J, ruffing out
Attila's s-A.  He came back to his hand with a Club, cashed his
s-10, finessed a Diamond and cashed the d-A.  He then ruffed a
Club in his hand and placed the s-3 onto the playing surface. 
Attila trumped this perforce and had to concede the game-going
trick to Fleshie's h-10.

      "Geez, partner," complained the Maggot, "what did you
double on?"

Part 12: Encore!


     Fleshie had had enough.  This simply wasn't sporting.  He
flew back to the Maggot's shoulder top and wouldn't budge. 
Fifteen minutes of pleading from his owner and threats from the
Rattler would not dissuade him.  I intimated that the Cultured
Vulture might be lacking a competent partner.  No, the Macho
Mynah would not be shamed, begged or bullied back into the game. 
It was time for bribery.  The Maggot pulled out his
Ace-in-the-hole.

     "I'll let you sit on Attila's forehead next time he's waking
up."

     In the flicker of an eyelash and the flutter of feathers the
Ravin' Raven was back behind his card rack.  The next hand gave
the Plumed Profanity an opportunity to "flesh out" his
demonstration on the subtleties of advanced pseudo-squeezes.

                            Me
                         s- Q873
                         h- A6
                         d- 542
                         c- Q543
      Attila                             Maggot
     s- J654                             s- K9
     h- 73                               h- QJ10982
     d- KQJ108                           d- 
     c- J9                               c- K8762
                          Fleshie
                         s- A102
                         h- K54
                         d- A9763
                         c- A10

          Attila    Myself    Maggot    Fleshie

           Pass      Pass      Pass       1D
           Pass       1S       Dble       2NT
           Pass       3NT      Pass      Pass
           Dble      Pass      Pass      Pass

     The only thing remarkable about the auction is that the
building's foundation withstood the Rattler's double.  The
Caustic Caution lead the d-K and saw his partner signal with an
encouraging h-Q.  When Declarer allowed him to win this trick
Attila continued with the d-Q, which Fleshie permitted him to win
as well.  At trick three the Rattler, noticing his partner
bouncing in his seat, switched to the h-7.

     Declarer played two rounds of Hearts before exiting a small
Diamond to the Caution.  This ploy convinced Attila that he this
was an attempted suicide squeeze.  Instead of continuing Diamonds
he switched to the Jack of Clubs, covered by the c-Queen, c-King
and c-Ace.  Fleshie cashed his c-10 and Diamond Ace before
exiting with his last Diamond.  Down to the s-J654 the Rattler
was forced to lead a Spade, pickling the Maggot's Spade holding. 
The Macho Mynah took his owner's s-9 with his s-10, tossed the s-
A on the table, collecting the s-K, and finessed with dummy's s-8
to make 3NT, doubled. 
Routine.

     The Rabid Rattler was bewildered.  He tried to explain to
this partner.

     "When I saw you...that is, when the Buzzard kept throwing me
in with Diamonds I figured I must be squeezing you."

     "Squeezing me?" countered the Illegitimate Son of Miss
Fortune.  "Are you nuts?  You must've been hallucinating!" 
     "Perhaps," I interjected softly, "he saw a ghost."

     The Maggot shook his head but remained quiet.  Once he had
calmed down he congratulated his pet.

     "Now I really have seen everything.  First a squeeze without
an entry.  Now, a squeeze without a threat."

Part 13: Breakfast of Champions


     I woke up to the sound of a jackhammer in the next room.  I
staggered into the playing room to find Attila trying to explain
to the Maggot the difference between a finesse and a ducking
play.  I asked about the renovations.

     "No renovations," the Caution explained.  "That's the
Hooknose snoring."

     Sure enough, the cacaphony stopped and the Duke appeared in
the bedroom doorway.

     "Breakfast!" bellowed the Duke.  In Punkydoodle's Corners
food entails beer and potato chips.  It follows that breakfast
involves lite beer and bacon flavoured potato chips.  I handed
the Sultan a brew and a bag of "breakfast".

     "I still don't get it," whined the Ghost of Cleanliness
Past.  "If I never win a ducking play and I never win a
finesse..." 

     The others gave up.  It was like trying to explain music to
the deaf.  Colour to the blind.  Civilization to a PdCer. 
Besides, the others were hardly sympathetic to his plight. 
Cowboy couldn't imagine anyone having difficulty with making
finesses;  it was as natural as breathing.  The Sultan of Spot
couldn't sympathize since he never held two cards high enough to
try a finesse.  That left the Rabid Rattler, who couldn't spell
the word "sympathy". 

     "Where's Cowboy?" I asked.

     "Still asleep," the Sultan answered between munches and
gulps.  "He must've exerted himself last night."  The others
concurred.  By the time the Foursome took to their beds the
quality of play and the attention level had taken a nose dive. 
On one hand God's Favourite Atheist led a Diamond up to dummy,
ruffed it despite the five Diamonds on board, and led a Diamond
from the table, trumping it in his hand.  He continued this until
the suit was established and he was able to claim his contract. 
Amazingly, no one noticed.  What was even more remarkable was the
contract.  Lady Luck's Lover became the first bridge player in
history to make 3NT on a cross- revoke.

     The players were anxious to start.  Who would fill in for
the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man?  Fleshie and I both
declined the invitation.  The PdCers became more insistent with
Ravin' Raven.  After a suitable bribe (a sleeping perch outside
the Maggot's bedroom) was offered and accepted the Cultured
Vulture set up shop opposite the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.

                          Maggot
                         s- J94
                         h- 3
                         d- A10976
                         c- K532
      Sultan                             Attila
     s- 8753                             s- Q102
     h- 9854                             h- J1076
     d- 532                              d- J8
     c- 87                               c- QJ109
                          Fleshie
                         s- AK6
                         h- AKQ2
                         d- KQ4
                         c- A64

          Attila    Fleshie   Sultan    Maggot

           Pass       1C       Pass       2C
           Pass       2D       Pass       2H
           Pass       3D       Pass       3NT
           Pass       4D       Pass       5C
           Pass       5H       Pass       5NT
           Pass       6C       Pass       6D
           Pass       7NT      Pass      Pass
           Pass

     The auction reflected the PdCers unique bidding system.  The
final contract reflected their unique grasp on sanity.  It was,
by non-local standards, an ambitious contract.  But Fleshie knew
his customers.  Sure enough, help was on its way.

     The Rabid Rattler began absent-mindedly humming the theme
music to a movie that he'd seen recently.  As soon as the first
bar of the score to "Diamonds are Forever" reached the Sultan's
ears the d-3 landed on the table.

     Fleshie viewed Dummy for a moment.  He won this on board and
played the s-J.  This was covered by the s-Q and s-K.  He played
three rounds of Diamonds, ending up on the table and led the s-9,
covered by the s-10 and s-A.  The Macho Mynah then plunked down
his c-A, entered dummy with the c-K.  When he played off dummy's
two remaining Diamonds, shedding a Club and a Spade from his own
hand, the adversaries began squirming.  At trick nine, the
table's last Diamond squeeze both opponents.  The Sultan had to
keep a Spade while Attila had to keep a Club.  Neither could keep
four Hearts. 
     
     "If only you'd led a Heart," commented the Caution, "we'd
have cut off his entry to dummy for the squeeze."  While the
others accepted this analysis Fleshie squawked an objection.  The
bird redealt the hand and proceeded to demonstrate how Declarer
would make 13 tricks on a Heart lead.  Three rounds of Hearts,
tossing Clubs from dummy, two top Spades, enter dummy with the c-
K and rattle off five rounds of Diamonds.  Attila would not be
able to keep the s-Q and a third Club.

     At the conclusion of this lesson the Duke of Yarborough had
a query.

     "Couldn't Fleshie have played this second line of play on
any lead?"
     
     This question remained unanswered.  The bird rolled his eyes
and shook its head in disgust.  He returned to the Ghost's
shoulder, determined to never again cast his pearls before these
swine.

     "By the way," I interjected, "was that a Vienna Coup, a
double squeeze or a transfer guard squeeze?"

     Again, there was no immediate response.  After a few moments
thought the Maggot offered his opinion.

     "All three."

Part 14: Replay


     The Punkydoodle's Corners crowd does not like to spend much
time on post mortems.  If a long debate over the potential of a
hand crops up the players settle matters by redealing and
replaying the hand.

     Of course, not every hand is a high-stakes slam or game
contract.  Take this innocuous partscore, for example.

                          Attila
                         s- 8742
                         h- 6
                         d- AKQ54
                         c- Q104
      Cowboy                                  Sultan
     s- Q6                                    s- 953
     h- AQ953                                 h- 1087
     d- J                                     d- 109872
     c- AK762                                 c- 83
                          Maggot
                         s- AKJ10
                         h- KJ42
                         d- 63
                         c- J95

          Cowboy    Attila         Sultan    Maggot

            1H       Dble           Pass       2S
           Pass      Pass           Pass

     It looked like a simple hand.  The defence rated to cash two
top Clubs, get a Club ruff, return a Heart and fold their tents
after Declarer draws two rounds of trumps.  Of course, looks can
be deceiving.

     Lady Luck's Lover led the c-A, followed by the c-K.  Cowboy
now switched to the d-J.  Declarer won on dummy and played a
trump towards his hand.  The Maggot felt safe with the Cowboy on
lead so he inserted the s-J.  If trumps were to break 4-1
Declarer would like to retain control of the suit.

     Cowboy scooped up the s-J with his s-Q, gave partner the c-2
to ruff and trumped the Sultan's Diamond return.  The Ace of
Hearts became the setting trick.  The Caustic Caution weighed in
immediately.

     "Why didn't you bang down the s-AK?  Taking a Spade finesse
was crazy!"

     The Ghost of Cleanliness Past remembered the Rattler's
Reality Rule:  "Never tell partner the truth;  it will only
confuse him."  This dictum often featured in the Caution's
sanctimonious diatribes pontificating about how, once again,
partner had been confused by the facts at hand and was then drawn
to a disastrous conclusion.  There was no point explaining
concepts such as trump control and safety to Attila.

     "I pulled the wrong card," fibbed the Son of Miss Fortune. 
He then turned his attention to God's Favourite Atheist.

     "Say, Cowpoke, why didn't you give your partner a Club ruff
immediately?"

     The Law of Average's Most Wanted Man smiled.

     "I had to make the world safe for dem ol' crazy Spade
hooks." 
     The Sultan tried to mollify Attila.

     "Cheer up, Rab.  It wasn't your hand anyway.  Two Spades,
down one, is much better than our 3H, making."

     "Three Hearts?" guffawed the Rattler.  "My partner probably
would've doubled 3H.  You're vulnerable, you know."

     "Want to defend 3H doubled?" offered the Cowboy.

     At this moment the Maggot looked at his watch.  It was 7:30
P.M.  He took this as an omen that he was about to lose 730 in
the post mortem.

     "No!" he said firmly.  Fleshie agreed with his owner,
squawking and shaking his head.

     "Yes!" insisted the Caution.  He redealt the hand and played
it open.  Three rounds of Spades.  Cowboy ruffed the third,
played c-AK and ruffed a third Club on dummy.  What did Attila
want his partner to do now that Declarer plays a Heart from the
table? 
     "Well, if he ducks you'll lead a Heart to your Queen, plunk
down the h-A and concede a trump.  So partner should cover the h-
10 with his h-J."

     "Okay," countered the Cowboy.  I win the h-Q and ruff
another Club with dummy's last trump.  Do you want your partner
to over- ruff?"

     "He can't," the Rattler inferred aloud.  "You'd draw trumps
and claim.  Okay, so he tosses a Spade."

     "Then I ruff a Diamond into my hand and play my last Club. 
You can trump this and concede the last two tricks to my h-A9. 
c-AK, two Club ruffs on dummy and five trump tricks in my hand
adds up to nine.  +730 to us."

     "Of course," opined the Caution, "you'd never reach 3H after
your partner failed to bid 2H over the double."

     "That's right," concurred the Ghost, turning to the Duke. 
"I wonder why you didn't raise to 2H.  I've seen you bid on
less." 

     "I was a little timid, I guess," shrugged the Hooknose. 

     Cowboy came to his partner's defence, explaining that this
was simply a matter of perspective.  An aggressive bidder might
find the pass somewhat pusillanimous while a more cautious bidder
would find a 2H raise reckless.  The Rattler guffawed, calling
this rationalization "malarky".

     What transpired next caused the Maggot to drop into a dead
faint while the rest of us were stunned into silence.  Fleshie
raised one wing into the air, catching everyone's attention. 

     "Nevertheless," quoth the Raven, "timidity is in the eye of
the bolder."

Epilogue and Travelogue


     Over the course of the months that I stayed there I became
aware of what occupations the PdCers had pursued before
discovering bridge.  The Maggot had been a professional baseball
player, briefly called up to the bid leagues to play with the
Philadelphia Phillies.  Attila had been a civil servant in the
tax department.  This I found ironic, since, while he was neither
civil nor servantile, he certainly was taxing.  The Sultan sold
mountain climbing gear while the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man
was--of all things--a minister.

     A northern proverb tells us that any fool can see what's
there but that only a wise person can see what's missing.  This
would explain Attila's 20-20 vision but it also causes the rest
of us to wonder what is missing from this group--besides hygiene,
tact, skill, dignity and grace, of course.  There didn't seem to
be a bridge theoretrician in their midst.  Who had invented the
Canadian Club?  On what was to be my last day in Punkydoodle's
Corners I posed this question.  The room fell silent.  Perhaps
this was false modesty?  No.

     "Our wives," answered Cowboy quietly.

     "Wives?" I repeated incredulously.  "You guys are married?" 

     The Happy Hooknose shrugged his shoulders.  The other three
nodded sadly.

     "To women?"  I know that some questions are best left
unasked.  But I had to ask.

     "Of course!" bellowed the Caution.  "What would you expect?" 

     Some questions, once asked, are best left unanswered. 

     When I showed interest in learning more about their spouses
the players became very quiet.

     "The ladies...they're a little...unbalanced," stuttered the
Sultan.

     "Unbalanced?" giggled the Caution obnoxiously.  "They're
lunatics!"

     My morbid curiousity was getting the best of me.  I had to
meet anyone that these characters could consider "unbalanced". 

     By prying into the subject I learned that the ladies lived
in the nearby hamlet of Sandy Ledge--better known by its
nickname, "Sanity's Edge".  I badgered the group until I got
directions. 

     My next stop:  Sanity's Edge.

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