Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club (Humour & Technical)

Bridge At the Corners


from "Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club"


Part 1: Nascence
The System
Opening Bids & Responses: An Overview
Part 2: Attila
Three Diamonds and Higher Suit Pre-empts
Part 3: The Maggot
The Three Club Opening Bid
Part 4: Cowboy
The Two No Trump Opening Bid
Part 5: The Sultan
The Artificial Game-Forcing Two Spade Opening Bid
Part 6: The Maggot Makes a Finesse!
The Two Heart Opening Bid
Part 7: The Lady In Dread
The Mexan Two Diamond Opening Bid
Part 8: The Leading Man
The Two Club Opening Bid
Part 9: A Beauty and a Pearl
The Weak One No Trump Opening Bid
Part 10: The Beast of Bridge
The One Spade Opening Bid
In The Flesh
Part 11: Laze, Lays and Leis
The One Heart Opening Bid
Part 12: Encore!
The One Diamond Opening Bid
Part 13: Breakfast of Champions
The Artificial and Forcing One Club Opening Bid
Asking Bids and Suit Checks
Trump Asking Bids
The Short Suit Asking Bid
The Kings Asking Bid
The Extras Asking Bid
The Small Slam Force
Control Checks
Honour Checks
Defensive Bidding
Carding
Part 14: Replay
Epilogue and Travelogue




Nascence


     Most people would be reluctant to believe that anyone would name their
town "Punkydoodle's Corners".  But for a small speck on the northern
landscape that skepticism would have served them well.  It is true that this
is not a megapolis.  The greeting "Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners" is
written on both sides of the sign.  The closest thing to a subway system was
constructed by two gophers on a Tuesday afternoon.

     Six months ago I was driving through that area, understandably desperate
to find a highway back to civilization.  A typical male, I proudly and
stubbornly refused to stop for help until I was beyond all help.  I was
hopelessly lost.  In Punkydoodle's Corners, no less.  And I was about to
learn that there is no road back from Punkydoodle's Corners.

     Judging from the road signs there are a lot of services to be found in
Punkydoodle's Corners:  fire station, mayor's office, general store, post
office, meeting hall, police station and municipal office.  Unfortunately,
there is only one building in town:  a brown brick house plastered with
official signs.

     I entered via the front door.  The main floor was a general store. 
Food, clothing, hardware, building supplies, pharmaceuticals--everything but
a clerk.  The place was deserted!  I took a steep stairway up to the offices
on the second floor.  Again, there was no one around.  The third floor was
smaller, fitting under a slanted ceiling.  Once more, desolate.  I retreated
down to the ground floor, trying not the think of Stephen King.  On the way
out I noticed a second stairwell leading down to the cellar.

     As I stepped down these stairs scenes from the Amityville Horror House
flashed through my mind.  It occurred to me to tread lightly and announce my
presence.  This area was "NRA country" (i.e. Beirut has tougher gun control
laws).

     "Hello," I shouted.  No response.  I continued down the steps into the
bowels of darkness.  What I saw when I reached the cellar scared me more than
any loaded gun.  Indeed, it made me wish I were in Amityville.  

     A sixty watt light bulb barely illuminated a table in the middle of the
room.  Hunched around this table were five hideous figures:  one birdlike,
the other four roughly humanoid.  It was an anthropologist's dream come true: 
an Australopithecus, a Cro-Magnon, a Neanderthal and a Troglodyte.  I
wouldn't even guess at the bird's exact species;  it was a massive
conglomeration of black feathers, talons and beady, carnivorous eyes.  I
stared in terror at these still figures until I convinced myself that this
was a wax museum.  I then scanned the room for signs of more modern human
life.  No such luck.  As my gaze returned to the table I chanced upon a sight
which made my blood run cold.  

     Smoke!  The Troglodyte had a pipe in its mouth and there was smoke
billowing from it!  I gawked in disbelief.  Suddenly, one of the figures
moved!  The Cro-Magnon.  He moved!  I distinctly saw his hand pick something
up from the table and relocate it to another place on the table.

     Thirty seconds later I was back in the car, two miles down the road.  My
car was doing 120, my heart was doing 130.  I drove for hours, turning here
and there as the notion struck.  I was completely lost and couldn't find so
much as a farm house.  There was nothing but miles and miles of more miles
and miles.  Finally, I spotted a building up ahead.  I strained to read the
road sign in the falling darkness.

     "Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners."

     My fate was obvious.  I was stranded in the Twilight Zone and my only
option lay in re-encountering my evolutionary ancestors.

     I descended the stairs as if I'd been consigned to Hades.  Deafened by
the pounding of my own heartbeat I stood beside the table.

     "Could one of you gentlemen direct me back to the main highway?" I
squeaked.  No reply.  The primates could not be distracted.  I leaned forward
to see what was keeping them so enthralled.  My jaw dropped.  Cards!  These
primordials were playing cards!

     "Shouldn't you guys be inventing fire or something?"  I wondered to
myself.  The four players continued to ignore me.  Not so the bird.  Its head
swivelled as I moved around the room.  Two hawklike eyes shadowed my every
move.  If nothing else, the bird made me feel welcome--as welcome as a steak
in a crocodile pit.

     Being an inveterate cardplayer myself I concentrated on finding out what
game these pre-humanoids were playing.  I was convinced that it would be some
crude derivative of Snap, War or Go Fish.  I observed a pattern.  The players
would grunt in clockwise rotation.  Then one would put a card face up on the
table.  The one on that ape's left would then lay down all of his cards face
up.  My God!  They were playing bridge!

     I listened more closely to their auctions, hoping to learn how to bid in
Neanderthal.  I discerned that, with a little imagination and allowances made
for dialect, facial hair, familiarity and lazy elocution these grunts could
be construed as English.  Couldn't "Nar" constitute a bastardized "one
heart"?

     I pulled up a chair and began kibitzing.  The calibre of play was
unremarkable.  Indeed, to call these characters "kitchen bridge players"
would be an insult to all three terms.  What intrigued me was the bidding. 
Stuck in this remote location, far from the outside bridge world, these
characters had fashioned an utterly unique bidding approach.  What caught my
attention was seeing them bid confidently up to 7C on:


     Opener:       S- Ax      H- AKxxx     D- Ax       C- KQJ10
     Responder:    S- KQxxx   H- Q         D- xxxxx    C- Ax

     The auction had gone thus:

          1C        - Strong and forcing.
               1H   - Game-forcing response showing 5+ Spades.
          1NT       - "Do you have a second 4+card suit?"
               2C   - "Yes, I have 4+ Diamonds.
          2NT       - "What is your short suit?"
               3D   - A fifth Diamond.
          3H        - "Again, what is your short suit?"
               3S   - Short in Hearts.
          4C        - "Let's set Clubs as trumps for now."
               4S   - No C-Q, minimum, 1 Ace or the King of Clubs.
          4NT       - "Kings?"
               5D   - One King outside Clubs.
          5H        - "Do you have anything more--like a Queen?"
               5S   - "Yes, the Queen of Spades."
          7C        - "Ruff a Heart high, draw trump and claim 13."
                Pass    - "You're the boss."

     As the bird's glare finally returned to the game I began to relax and
settle in for the long haul.  I spent the next four months there, learning
more about the system that was able to reach 7C on these cards.

The System


     The Canadian Club fashions an effective slam-bidding structure around a
well-established framework.  Many of the ideas here will be familiar to
Precision bidders.  Unfamiliar ones will be easy to learn once we understand
some of the general rules of the system.  

     Many of these conventions can be incorporated into other systems
directly.  The Golady 2C Response to 1-of-a-suit, Trial Transfers, DIET TABs,
GIRLS 2NT, Feature Show, the Perverse Reverse and Defensive Doubles will all
be of interest.  Ironically, some of these--especially the Feature Show and
Perverse Reverse--will work better in a standard system than in the Canadian
Club!     

     Certain conventional ideas found in standard systems are sadly
underused.  The Stayman convention reserves the cheapest response to 1NT
(i.e. 2C) for an investigation of 4-card {major} suits.  It reserves two
responses, 2D and 2H, as Jacoby Transfers into long major suits.  If such a
setup makes sense opposite a balanced hand it will make even more sense
opposite an unbalanced hand--a 1D, 1H or 1S opening bid.  After all, the more
distributional a hand is the more appropriate it is to playing in a suit. 
Playing in a suit requires finding a fit.  Finding a fit relies upon
straightforward, easy disclosure of our holdings.  In standard systems such
free disclosure is hampered by rules regarding reversing (including high
level reverses such as 1S:2H:3-of-a-minor), fourth suit forcing and
rebiddable suits.
     
     The Canadian Club derives its nickname "Transfer Precision" from the
fact that, in Game-Forcing ("GF") auctions especially, the Passive Partner
(i.e. "PP", the one answering the questions) often transfers into his long
suit(s).  Thus, the unlimited--and presumably stronger--Forcing Partner (i.e.
"FP", the one asking all the questions) often gets to play the hand.  For
example, 1C:1H is a GF response showing 5+ Spades, allowing trumps to be
established as low as the 1S level!  {In case you are curious, other GF
transfer responses to 1C are:  1C:1S shows a flat hand;  1C:1NT shows 5+
Hearts; 1C:2C shows 5+ Diamonds; 1C:2D shows 5+ Clubs.}  These transfers work
particularly well when the Passive Partner is 1-suited.

          1S   2C   - "Do you have a second 4+card suit?"
          2H        - "No."  But 2S can now settle trumps.

     Compare the above auction to a more standard approach (1S:2-over-1:2S)
when Forcing Partner (i.e. "FP"; Responder, in this example) is forced to bid
3S to set Spades as trumps before investigating slam possibilities.  Worse,
the standard pair will often reach the 4S level before discovering whether or
not Opener and Responder are interested in slam.

     The age-old problem facing standard practitioners involves the minor
suit fit.  Should the partnership play in 5-of-a-minor (or a 7-card major
suit fit) or should they play in the more prosaic 3NT?  The answer to this
question lies largely in the distribution.  Standard systems can usually get
their 4+card suits into the light of day before 3NT is passed.  They rarely
succeed in uncovering the partner's residual holdings.

     Responder:    S- KQxx   H- Ax   D- AJxx   C- xxx

     Holding this hand you hear partner open 1H and rebid 2D.  If his
remaining four cards are split 2-2 or if he holds 3 Spades and only 1 Club
this hand must be played in a suit.  If Opener holds 3 Clubs, however, this
hand should be played in 3NT regardless of whether Opener's Clubs include a
stopper or not.

     Opener A: S- A       H- KQxxx   D- KQxx    C- xxx
     Opener B: S- Ax      H- KQxxx   D- KQxx    C- xx
     Opener C: S- Axx     H- KQxxx   D- KQxx    C- x

     Opener C should present you and your partner few problems in avoiding
3NT.  But are your bidding methods up to the task of finding 3NT with Opener
A while playing in 4H or 5D with Opener B?  This simple example illustrates
the importance of distributional bidding--especially residual bidding.

     Another age-old dilemma facing bidders is 3NT versus a minor suit slam. 
At matchpoints especially, the decision to investigate a possible slam in a
minor can be expensive if the partnership is forced to settle in 5-of-a-
minor.  Obviously, the partnership must be able to determine before passing
the 3NT level if such an investigation is warranted.  We will not dwell on
the problems of finding good 4-4 minor suit fits opposite a standard 1NT
opening.  Such failures are legion.  Instead, consider this standard auction:

          1H   2D   - 4+ Diamonds, 10+HCPs (or 2-over-1 GF).
          2H   3C   - 5-4 or better in the minors.  Forcing.
          ??        - What do you bid holding:

     Opener A: S- KQx     H- AQJxxx  D- J       C- QJx

          A good hand for 6C if Responder has 5+Clubs.

     Opener B: S- KQx     H- KQJxx   D- x       C- Qxxx

          A good hand for 3NT OR Clubs, but how good for Six Clubs?

     Opener C: S- xx      H- KQJxx   D- Kx      C- QJxx

          A good Club fit but little interest in 3NT or 6C.

     Clearly, the auction is too high for Opener to show a club fit versus a
club preference while advising Responder on the efficacy of 3NT.  A Canadian
Club auction uses a Staymanic 2C response to 1H in conjunction with transfer
rebids by Opener to produce:

     Responder:     S- Axx     H- x          D- AQxxx     C- AKxx
     Opener A:      S- Kxx     H- AQJxxx     D- J         C- QJx

          1H   2C   - "2nd suit?"
          2D        - "No second suit."
               3D   - Natural.
          3NT       - No decent fit, no reason to investigate 6D.

     Opener B: S- KQx     H- KQJxx       D- x        C- Qxxx

          1H   2C
          2S        - 4+card Club suit.
               3C   - A Club fit.  "3NT?  5C?  6C?"
          3S        - No interest in 5C or 6C.  Spade strength.
               3NT

     Opener C: S- xx      H- KQJxx       D- Kx       C- QJxx

          1H   2C
          2S   3C
          3D        - No interest in 5C or 6C.  Diamond strength.
               4C   - Then 3NT will be hard.  "Clubs?  Key Cards?"
          4D        - This Trump Asking Bid reply:  C-Q +/or 5+C-s.
               4H   - "Key Cards?"  i.e. any Ace or the Club King.
          4NT       - "None."
               6C   - This'll need less luck to make than 3NT will. 

     The Canadian Club revolves around a few basic rules and theory points:

        With two 5+card suits (11 to 15 HCPs) open the higher ranked
        suit first--even if you show a 5-card suit before a 6+carder.
        
        With hands of approximately equal strength the flatter hand
        should be Declarer.  Otherwise, the stronger hand should be
        Declarer.  Misfits should be played in the weaker hand's suit.
        
        The more balanced the fit (e.g. 4-4 vs. 5-3) and strengths the
        better.  13 HCPs opposite 13 HCPs will make game easier than 26
        HCPs opposite a yarborough.
        
        Responder tends to define the auction as Game-Forcing or Non-
        Game-Forcing with his first bid.  Only opposite a 2D opening
        (strong, 3-suited or flat) does Responder define the auction
        with his second bid.
        
        In a Non-Game-Forcing auction both partners have limited their
        hand.  Only a few gadgets apply;  4th Suit Forcing is not one of
        these!
        
        Opener:        S- KJxx     H- x         D- AQxxx     C- Qxx
        Responder:     S- xx       H- Kxxxx     D- x         C- Kxxxx
        
          1D        - Natural, limited opening.
               1H   - Natural, limited response.  Non-Forcing.
          1S        - Natural, limited rebid.
               2C   - Natural, limited rebid.
          Pass      - This auction may raise some eyebrows...
        
        If one partner's major suit is raised to the 2-level he can use
        a Feature Show by rebidding the cheapest step (e.g. 1H:2H:2S,
        1D:1S:2S:2NT, etc.).  This asks partner to show his cheapest
        feature.  If the Forcing Partner rebids a new suit he authorizes
        his partner to go to game only with a feature in this suit.
        
        Opener:         S- KJxx     H- x         D- AQxxx    C- Kxx
        Responder A:    S- Qxxx     H- KJxx      D- xx       C- Axx
        
          1D   1H   - Both natural and non-forcing.
          1S   2S   - 8-11 HCPs with Spade support.
          2NT       - Feature show.  "Cheapest honour card?"
               3C   - Club card.
          3D        - "Okay, tell me more."
               3H   - "Heart card."
          3S        - "Not such good news, pard."
               Pass - "No diamond card."
        
        Responder B:    S- Qxxx     H- Jxxx      D- Kx       C- Axx
        
          1D   1H   - Same as above.
          1S   2S   - Ditto.
          2NT  3C   - Ditto again.
          3D   4S   - Authorized to bid game with a D- honour...
        
        Many players today play major suit re-raises (e.g. 1H:2H:3H,
        1S:2S:3S) as pre-emptive.  To Canadian Club pairs this smacks of
        "advanced balancing", taking a push before there is one. 
        Standard players use this approach as a general game try.  This
        is far too imprecise for Canadian Club, who use the re-raise to
        invite game if partner has good trumps.
        
        Opener:         S- Kxxxx    H- xx      D- AKQxx    C- x
        Responder A:    S- Qxx      H- Kxxx    D- xx       C- Kxxx
         
          1S   2S   - Destructive raise.  6-8 HCPs, 3+ Spades.
          3S   Pass - "Sorry, but my trumps aren't spectacular."
        
        
        Responder B:    S- AQxx     H- xxx     D- xx       C- xxxx
        
          1S   2S - Destructive raise, 3+card support, 6-8 HCPs.
          3S   4S - "My trumps couldn't be better."
        
        The Canadian Club partnership often employs the Perverse Reverse
        to describe one of three hand types:
        
          1.  A "2-and-a-half" raise of partner's major.
          2.  A natural reverse on a 4-6 2-suiter (if possible).
          3.  8 or 9 tricks in NT with xx in partner's major.
        
        1D:1S:2H, then, is a 1-round force based on a good spade raise,
        a 4-6 red 2-suiter OR a solid minor suit, 2 spades and 8 or 9
        tricks in no trump.  Similarly, 1D:1H:2S is either 4-6 Spade-
        Diamond 2-suiter, 8 or 9 tricks in NT or, most often, a good
        Heart raise.  Responder can show interest by rebidding the
        cheapest unbid step (i.e. 1D:1S:2H:2NT or 1D:1H:2S:2NT).  Any
        other rebid by Responder (e.g. 1D:1H:2S:3D) is weak.
        
          1D   1S   - Natural, non-forcing.
          2H        - Perverse.  "Interested?"
               2NT  - "Okay."  2S, 3C or 3D would've been weak.
          ??        - 3C  = C- fragment.  4-1-5-3-ish.
                    - 3D  = Natural.  4-6 reds.
                    - 3H  = H- fragment.  4-3-5-1-ish.
                    - 3S  = 4-2-5-2 or 3-2-6-2-ish, 14-15 HCPs.
                    - 3NT = 9 tricks, xx in Spades.
        
        
          1D   1H   - Natural, non-forcing.
          2S        - Perverse Reverse.
               2NT  - "Do tell..."  All else is weak.
          ??        - 3C  = C- fragment.  1-4-5-3-ish.
                    - 3D  = Natural.  4S-s, 6D-s.
                    - 3H  = 3-4-5-1-ish.
                    - 3NT = 9 tricks, xx in Hearts.
        
        
        It follows that 1D:1H:3H or 1D:1S:3S denies a short suit (else
        use the Perverse Reverse).  Similarly, with 1D:1H:3NT or
        1D:1S:3NT Opener denies even a doubleton in Responder's major. 
        It also follows that 1D:1S:2H:2S does NOT show extra Spade
        length;  it simply denies interest in hearing what Opener has to
        say.
        
          Opener:        S- KQxx     H- x      D- AKJ10x     C- Jxx
          Responder A:   S- Jxxx     H- Qxx    D- xxx        C- Kxx
        
          1D   1S   - Natural, non-forcing.
          2H        - Perverse Reverse.  Good hand.
               2S   - "Sorry, not interested."
          Pass      - 3D here would show a natural reverse.
        
          Responder B:   S- Axxx     H- KQx      D- xxx      C- Qxx
        
          1D   1S
          2H   2NT  - "Okay, tell me more."
          3C        - "4-1-5-3, 3-1-6-3 or some facsimile."
               3S   - "Ugh!  I hoped for short clubs.  3NT?"
        
          Responder C:   S- Axxx     H- xxx      D- Qx       C- Axxx
        
          1D   1S   - Both bids are natural & non-forcing.
          2H   2NT  - Interested.
          3C        - "Club residue."
               4C!  - Cuebid, looking for 6S.
          4D        - Cuebid, co-operating in the search.
               4S   - No H- Ace, 0 or 1 S- honour, hoping for...
          5D        - ...showing D-Ace and S-KQ (else pass 4S).
               6S   - Ruff 2 Hearts, draw trump & claim. 
        
        Some partnerships will choose to play 1H:1S:2NT as a Perverse
        Reverse, when 3C expresses interest.  Then:
        
          3D   = Diamond fragment.  4-5-3-1-ish.
          3H   = Natural.  8 tricks with long solid Hearts.
          3S   = Club fragment.  4-5-1-3-ish.
          3NT  = 9 running tricks in NT;  long solid Hearts.
        
        If your partnership uses 1H:1S:2NT as a Perverse Reverse it
        follows that 1H:1S:3S denies a short suit (4-5-2-2-ish).
        
        
        In any Game-Forcing auction:
        
           Opener is the Forcing Partner if and only if he opens 2S (an
           artificial Game-Forcing opening) or 1C.  Opposite any other
           opening Responder is the Forcing Partner.
           
           If Passive Partner replies 4C to a request for long or short
           suits--usually because he is too strong for 3NT--a rebid of
           4D by Forcing Partner is Relay Gerber.
           
           Forcing Partner initiates either a 4-Card Auction (by asking
           for 4+card suits) or a 5-Card Auction (by introducing a
           5+card suit of his own).  The most common example of a 4-card
           auction is the Golady 2C reply to an opening bid of 1D, 1H or
           1S.  The second most common example is 1C:1-of-a-major:1NT.
           
           During a 4-Card Auction Passive Partner transfers into his
           suit (e.g. 1S:2C:2D shows 4+ Hearts with 5+ Spades;  1S:2C:2H
           shows a 1-suiter, Spades only), jumping in his short suit
           with a three-suiter (e.g. 1C:1H:1NT:3C shows a three-suiter,
           short in Clubs).  In practice, most FPs adopt the 4-card
           approach, if only as a prelude to making a Trump Asking Bid
           ("TAB").
           
           Opener:        S- AKJxx     H- xx     D- xx        C- Axxx
           Responder:     S- Qxx       H- Ax     D- AJ10xx    C- KQxx
           
           1S  2C   - Golady.  "2nd suit?"
           2S       - Shows 4+ Clubs.
               3S   - TAB, temporarily settling S-s.
           4D       - Minimum, no S-Q, only 5 S-s, {0 or} 3 KCs.
               6C   - The advantage of the balanced fit.
           
              A standard auction like 1S:2D:2S:3S would be hampered by
              Opener's inability to make a high level reverse.  The more
              direct 1S:3S would settle trumps too quickly.  In either
              event, Clubs might never be mentioned.
              
           Another reason 4-card Auctions are preferred stems from
           Forcing Partner's ability to ask for a short suit, completing
           the description of PP's hand.
           
       e.g.    1H        - Usually 11 to 15 HCPs, 5+ Hearts.
                    2C   - Game forcing.  "2nd suit?"
               2H             - 4 Spades with the 5+ Hearts.
                    2NT  - "Short suit?"
               ??        - SSAB replies from 3C to 3NT.
           
           In a 5-Card Auction Passive Partner is only allowed to bid
           5+card suits (e.g. 1S:2H:3D shows 5+ diamonds).  With no such
           second 5+carder Passive Partner rebids his suit or no trump--
           whichever is cheaper--unless he wishes to show extra
           length/strength in his first suit (e.g. 1S:2H:2S denies extra
           spade length and strength; 1S:2H:2NT promises 6+ strong
           Spades).
           
           If Forcing Partner bids PP's major suit below game (e.g.
           1S:2C:2H:2S) this is a "DIET" (Detailed Itemization
           Establishing Trumps) TAB (Trump Asking Bid), settling that
           suit as trump.  The TAB is important not only because it
           exchanges so much information--usually enough to make a slam
           decision--but because it starts the chain of similarly
           informative Asking Bids.
           
           If Forcing Partner bids Passive Partner's minor suit at the
           4-level this is a TAB.  
           If Forcing Partner bids Passive Partner's minor suit below
           3NT he asks partner to bid a guard at the 3-level if minimum; 
           or bid at the 4-level if maximal.
           
           e.g.     1D   2C   - "2nd Suit?"  4-Card Auction.
                    2H   3D   - Tentative or "Trial" TAB.
                    ??        - 3H, 3S & 3NT are minimums.
                              - 4C is a cuebid, allowing FP
                                   to make a 4D TAB.
                              - 4D through 5C are TAB replies,
                                   interested in slam.
           
           There are two exceptions to the general rule that only
           unlimited hands can make Asking Bids:  passed hand Responders
           to 2D or 2NT openings.  This is because of the descriptive
           yet powerful nature of these opening hands.
           
           Responder to the strong and forcing 1C can become Forcing
           Partner once partner has signed off, thereby relinquishing
           that role.  Of course, such a Responder must be an unpassed
           hand and must NOT have shown a minimum earlier.
           
           e.g.     1C   1H   - 5+ Spades, 8+ HCPs.  GF.
                    1NT       - Golady.  "2nd Suit?"
                         2D   - 4+ Hearts.
                    2H        - TAB in Hearts.
                         2NT  - Maximum.
                    3H        - Signing off.
                         3S   - "My turn!"  4-step TAB.
           
           During a 4-card Auction opposite a flat Passive Partner (e.g.
           1NT Opener, 1S Responder to 1C) Forcing Partner often uses a
           2NT or 3C relay rebid to ask for minor suit length.  Such
           minor suit length is shown via a MINIMAMA structure where, in
           general, bidding a MInor shows a miNImum, bidding a MAjor
           promises a MAximum (with the corresponding minor).
           
               Opener:        S- KQx      H- AKxx     D- AJxx     C- KJxx
               Responder A:   S- Jxxx     H- Qxx      D- Kx       C- Axxx
           
               1C   1S   - 8+ HCPs, flat hand.
               1NT       - "4-card major?"
                    2H   - 4 Spades but not 4 Hearts.
               2NT       - MINIMAMA.  "Minor suit length?"
                    3C   - 4 Clubs, minimum.
               3NT       - "I hoped you'd bid 3H (4 Clubs, maximum)."
           
               Responder B:    S- Axxx    H- Qx       D- KQxx      C- Qxx
           
               1C   1S   - Balanced hand with 8+ HCPs.
               1NT  2H   - 4 Spades, denying 4 Hearts.
               2NT  3S   - 4 Diamonds with a maximum.
               4D   4H   - A "minimum maximum" with the D-Q.
               4H   5C   - "Two Key Cards."
               6D        - "Should be enough."
           
           Forcing Partner must NOT make unnecessary jump rebids to
           shorten the auction.  Ditch the Principle of Fast Arrival! 
           Many such jumps have special meanings.  The biggest problem
           with the Principle of Fast Arrival in uncontested auctions is
           that it all-too-often amounts to missing slam as quickly as
           possible.
           
           Responses to Asking Bids are constructed on the basis that
           the higher the response the better the news.  For example,
           when asked for short suits PP bids:
           
               1st Step - "Sorry, no short suit."
               2nd Step - Short in the highest possible suit.
               3rd Step - Short in 2nd highest possible suit.
               4th Step - Short in lowest ranked unbid suit.
           
           Why are lower ranked shortnesses preferred?  In general,
              wouldn't you rather be dealt long spades and short clubs
              than long clubs and short spades?
              
           These responses are often "telescoped" to show extras or more
           detailed information.  The first form of telescoping is
           "duplication".  In response to a Short Suit Asking Bid we
           might see, in addition to the four steps above:
           
               5th Step - VOID in the highest possible suit.
               6th Step - VOID in 2nd highest possible suit.
               7th Step - VOID in lowest ranked unbid suit.
           
           Obviously, the 2nd through 4th steps are duplicated.
           
           
           The second form of telescoping involves "extension".  Here
           only the highest level response is duplicated, sparing the
           partnership the need to relay for clarification.
           
               1C   2D   - 8+ HCPs, Game-Forcing, 5+ Clubs.
               2H        - "2nd Suit?".
                    ??   - 2S = 6+Clubs, no 2nd suit.
                         - 2NT = 4 Diamonds.
                         - 3C  = 4 Hearts.
                         - 3D  = 4 Spades, 4-2-2-5, more than minimum.
                         - 3H  = 4 Spades, 4-1-3-5-ish.
                         - 3S  = 4 Spades, 4-3-1-5-ish.
                         - 3NT = 4 Spades, 4-2-2-5-ish, minimum.
           
           As you can see, the 3D Spade-showing response is extended all
           the way to 3NT to show the various residual holdings that are
           possible.  This is necessary because a 3H relay over 3D would
           not have enough room to discover Responder's residue before
           3NT is passed.          
           
           Cuebidding occurs only after both partners have limited
        themselves.  The style is Italian:  show controls (Ace, King,
        void or singleton) indiscriminately on the first round of
        cueing, skipping a suit to deny any control there.
        
          1D        - 11 to 15 HCPs, 3+ Diamonds.
               1S   - 6 to 11 HCPs, 4+ Spades.
          3S        - 4-2-5-2-ish, 14-15 HCPs.
               4D   - Diamond control, no Club control.
          4H        - Heart and Club control (else 4S here).
        
        If and only if the cuebidders establish control of all three
        side suits the partners address the trump suit, returning to the
        trump suit unless that partner holds 2 of the top three trump
        honours.  In the above example Responder will rebid 4S unless he
        holds two top spade honours.
        
        If a second level of cuebidding does occur the partners will
        cuebid only first round controls.  If, instead of 4S, Responder
        bids 5D in the above example he clarifies the Ace or a void in
        Diamonds and two top trump honours.  Second level cuebids are
        rare;  the partnership usually reverts to Key Card Blackwood.
        
        No "cuebidding at the one level" in first or second seat.
        
        e.g.   S- 65432     H- AKQJ10     D- A3      C- 4
        
                  In 1st or 2nd chair open 1S, not 1H.  Period.


Opening Bids & Responses: An Overview

              
        
          Here is a brief overview of the Canadian Club's opening bid
        structure:
        
1C:
        Balanced 17 to 22 HCPs or 25+ HCPs, OR 16+ HCPs and a
     distributional hand.
     Artificial 1-round force.
     Game-forcing only if:
     A void, lacking the Ace of the corresponding suit, OR
          2-suited with no slam interest opposite 0-7 HCPs, OR
          Curious about only 1 suit.
1D:
     11-13 HCPs, 4 Diamonds, flat, OR 11-15 HCPs, 5 D-s, flat, OR 11-15
     HCPs, unbalanced.
1H:
     6+Hearts, 7 to 10 HCPs, 2 or 3 Spades ("Weak 1-bid"), OR
     5+Hearts, 11-15 HCPs, 0-4 Spades.  May have better minor.
1S:
     6+Spades, 7 to 10 HCPs, 2 or 3 Hearts ("Weak 1-bid"), OR
     5+Spades, 11-15 HCPs.  May have a second, better suit.
1NT:
     13-16 HCPs, balanced hand.  4D-s only if 15-16 HCPs.  
     May have 5C-s, but not 5D-s, 5H-s or 5S-s.
2C:
     11-15 HCPS, 5+Clubs & a 4-card major, OR 6+Clubs, 1-suited.
2D:
     16-24 HCPS with a 4-4-4-1 type hand ("Roman"), OR
     21-22 HCPs, balanced, with no 4+card major ("Mexican").
2H:
     11-15 HCPs, 3-suited with 0-2 diamonds.  D-Qx or worse.
     5-4-0-4, 4-5-0-4, 4-4-2-3, 4-4-1-4 or 4-4-0-5.
     Any 5-card major must lack its Ace, Queen and King.
2S:
     Artificial Game-Force, asking for the "cuebid" of an Ace.
     See 1C Opening for Game-Forcing hands excluded from 2S.
2NT:
     23-24 HCPs, flat hand.  May have 4- or 5-card major.
3C:
     11-15 HCPs, 6+Clubs and 4 weak diamonds (Qxxx or worse).
3NT:
     Solid 6+card minor, no outside Ace or void.
     Side suit stopper only if vulnerable.
     
Opening Pre-Empts:
     6+card suit, no unbid 4+card major.
          Rather weak, according to the "52 Pickup" rule.               
          
          The Gambling Three No Trump Opening Bid
          
          Opener begins with 3NT only with a solid 6+card minor suit. 
     Opener promises one outside stopper only if vulnerable.  In first
     or second seat 3NT Opener denies a void but may well have a
     singleton.     
     
          Opener:   S- xx      H- QJx      D- x         C- AKQxxxx
                    Open 3NT only if vulnerable.  Otherwise, open 2C.
     
          Now:
          4NT  - Quantitative.  "7th card in the long minor?"
          4D   - "Short suit?"  SSAB responses.
     
          Opener:        S- xxx      H- x        D- AKQxxx    C- xxx
          Responder:     S- AKx      H- xxxx     D- xx        C- AKQx
                         
               3NT  4D   - "Short suit?"
               4NT       - "Short Hearts."  Now 6D is clear.
                         
          4C, 5C, 6C or 7C  - "Pass or bid your suit (if not clubs)."
     
          If Responder, after asking for a short suit, bids 5NT--a
     "Grand Slam Force" of sorts--he is, in fact, asking for a 7th card
     in the long suit.  3NT Opener rebids 6-of-his-suit with six-card
     length, 6H or higher with 7-card length.
     
          Opener:        S- xxx      H- xx         D- x     C- AKQJxxx
          Responder:      S- Axxx    H- AKQx       D- AKx   C- xx
     
               3NT  4D   - "Short suit?"
               5C        - "Short Diamonds.  Hence, solid Clubs."
                    5NT  - "Do you have a 7th Club?"
               6S        - "Yes!  And, by the way, 3 Spades."
                    7NT  - "Good.  I can count to 13."
     
          Notice that Opener showed the 7th Club by bidding 6S,
     revealing the 3-card Spade holding.  After all, Responder may well
     have held S-AKQxx.


Attila

     
          Seated in his customary chair furthest from the room's only
     window is the loudest and most intimidating of the humanoids.  This
     obnoxious and overbearing ape is aptly named "Attila".  A certified
     graduate of the Rush Limbaugh Charm School, Attila has the same
     good nature and pleasant demeanour one would expect in a wounded
     rattlesnake.  He is every bit as disturbing as he is disturbed. 
     Indeed, this insanely vicious and cold-blooded reptile is the
     world's one and, we hope, only Rabid Rattler.  He refers to
     strangers as "intruders", partners as "idiots" and adversaries as
     "pigeons".  For obvious reasons, I was never able to determine what
     he calls his friends.  This "Caustic Caution" saves his harshest
     vitriole, though, for "Fleshie", the bird sitting on his partner's
     shoulder.   Only during his kinder moments would he call Fleshie a
     "guttersnipe vulture" and "feathered freak".  When Fleshie trounced
     Attila in the Punkydoodle's Corners mayoralty race the bird
     received a letter bomb in his mailbox.  Since then, Fleshie has
     suspected Attila of trying to make him an offer he couldn't defuse.
     
          The "Rattler" considers himself the best of the four players. 
     He is, in fact, the worst.  True to type, Attila blames his copious
     errors on his partner "hanging" him during the auction or play.  In
     fact, such accusations account for the man's full name:  "Attila
     the Hung".  Attila occupied centre stage on one of the first hands
     I kibitzed in Punkydoodle's Corners:
     
                         S- xxxxxx
                         H- Kxxx
                         D- J10x    
                         C- x
          S- xx                          S- AK
          H- J10x                        H- AQ9x
          D- xxxxxx                      D- AKQ
          C- J                           C- xxxx
                         S- QJ10
                         H- xx
                         D- x
                         C- AKQ10xxx
     
          Sitting South, vulnerable versus not, Attila opened 3NT. 
     Pass. Pass.  Attila's Right Hand Opponent noted the vulnerability
     and the Declarer.  Pass!
     
          When his H-J was allowed to win the first trick, LHO continued
     with the H-10.  RHO overtook this with his H-Q.  He then cashed the
     H-A, the S-AK and the D-AKQ.  Attila bared down to  C-AKQ10 and S-Q. 
     When RHO, with H-9 and C-xxxx, switched to a small Club the Caustic
     Caution "knew" that RHO must have C-Jxxxx.  Why else would he play
     this way?
     
          "Congratulate me, pard," crowed Declarer as he put in the C-10,
     "I certainly maximized the result here!"
     
          After watching the opponents win all 13 tricks his partner
     agreed.
     
               "For the defence," Dummy muttered under his breath. 
               

Three Diamonds and Higher Suit Pre-empts

               Three Diamonds and Higher Suit Opening Pre-empts
     
          Canadian Club pairs use Hemingway Pre-empts:  "Ask not for
     whom partner pre-empts.  He pre-empts thee!"  The reader is
     familiar with the "Rule of 2 and 3" (Pre-emptor is within 2 tricks
     vulnerable, 3 if not vulnerable).  This ignores the opponents'
     vulnerability, the pre-empting side's defensive tricks and their
     chances against a slam.  The Canadian Club uses the "52 Pickup"
     formula, the options ranging from 5 undertricks to 2 undertricks,
     accounting for how many tricks the Opener may pick up on defence. 
     To illustrate:
     
                         Pre-emptor is within...
     
     Vul Versus Not      - 2 tricks minus your defensive tricks
     Vul Versus Vul      - 3 tricks minus your defensive tricks
     Not Vul vs Not Vul  - 4 tricks minus your defensive tricks
     Not Vul vs Vul      - 5 tricks minus your defensive tricks
     
          Since Pre-emptor rarely has a second defensive trick--and
     never a third--we must factor in the opponent's chances of making
     a slam.  Assume that you hold:
     
          Opener:    S- KJx     H- xx     D- QJ10xxx     C- xx
     
          You rate to get 1 trick on defense, about 5 tricks in 3D.  Not
     vulnerable versus vulnerable this is a good pre-empt;  if partner
     has a bust -800 will look good as opposed to -1430.
     
          Opener:    S- xx      H- xx    D- QJ10xxxx     C- xx
     
          Again, you stand to take 5 tricks in 3D.  Open 3D if neither
     side is vulnerable, 4D if only the opponents are vulnerable.
     
          While Canadian Club pairs will pre-empt on hands that would
     make heroes blanch they will, paradoxically, pass on hands that
     lilly-livers would open pre-emptively.
     
          Opener:    S- xx      H- xxx    D- AKJxxxx     C- x
     
          Only a Canadian Club player would pass this hand--at any
     vulnerability.  Why the pass?  As a matter of style, rather than
     system, Canadian Club pairs tend not to open or overcall pre-
     emptively with the Ace of the long suit.  That Ace, combined with
     a possible singleton in partner's hand, might constitute too much
     defensive strength for pre-emption.  The above hand would have far
     too much potential defensive strength for a pre-empt.  Canadian
     Club pairs would pass and make a simple overcall in diamonds
     later.    
     
          Now:
          Pass - The only response.  No hand is strong enough to bid
     opposite a Hemingway Pre-empt.


The Maggot

     
          It is said that "bad luck comes in threes".  Sitting across
     from Attila is a hapless, unkempt Cro-Magnon known affectionately
     as "The Maggot".  His first and most serious curse is already
     evident:  he is sitting across from Attila.  The Maggot's
     appearance and personal hygiene could be described as subminimal--
     even by Punkydoodle's Corners standards.  This, of course, does not
     escape the attention of his partner, who calls him "The Ghost of
     Cleanliness Past", adding "long past" under his breath.  The
     Maggot's second misfortune is the presence of Fleshie on his left
     shoulder, glaring at anyone guilty of making an error.  This, of
     course, means that Fleshie stares fixedly and contemptuously at the
     Rabid Rattler.  In turn, this brings the Maggot even more abuse
     from his partner, who has positioned the Maggot and Fleshie nearest
     the window in the hopes that either the fumes or the "Plumed
     Profanity" might escape.
     
          The Maggot's third jinx is his inability to make a successful
     finesse.
     
                         S- Axx
                         H- AQxx
                         D- AQxx
                         C- J109
          S- xx                          S- Kx
          H- 83                          H- KJxx
          D- J10xxx                      D- K9x
          C- KQxx                        C- xxx
                         S- QJ109xx
                         H- 10xx
                         D- xx
                         C- Axx
     
          In the South seat our hero opened 3S, which everyone passed--
     Attila doing so only reluctantly.  After the H-8 was led the Maggot
     surveyed dummy.  He muttered his thoughts as he contemplated a
     course of action.
     
          "Hook a Heart or two, hook a Spade, take two Club hooks and
     the Diamond--Geez!  More hooking than Xaviera Hollander..."
     
          The H-8 lead allowed Declarer to take/lose a free finesse in
     that suit.  Winning the trick with his H-J RHO switched to a Club. 
     The Maggot ducked and watched LHO win with the C-Q and return the
     D-J.  The D-Q produced the D-K from RHO.  Back came another Club.  The
     Maggot ducked this and saw LHO win the C-K and return the H-3.  The
     Maggot inserted the H-Q, losing a trick to the H-K and another to a
     Heart ruff.  LHO exited with a Spade to his partner's King for down
     two.
     
          "Holding my hand, a lesser player would have raised to 4S,"
     Attila boasted.
     
          "Yes," agreed the Maggot quietly, "but where would we find a
          lesser player?" 


The Three Club Opening Bid

              
     
          Three Clubs is not a pre-emptive bid.  Rather, it shows
     exactly 4 weak diamonds and 6+ Clubs, 11 to 15 HCPs.  Obviously,
     with 10+ minor suit cards, 3C Opener must be short in one of the
     majors.
     
          Opener:     S- x     H- Ax     D- Jxxx     C- KQJxxx
     
               Open 3C rather than 1D.
     
          Now:
     3H - Game Forcing Short Suit Asking Bid.  Opener replies:
          3S   = Short in Spades.  3-0-4-6, 2-1-4-6, 2-0-4-7, etc.
          3NT  = Short in Hearts.  0-3-4-6, 1-2-4-6, 0-2-4-7, etc.
                    Responder may make a TAB with 4C or 4D.
          4C   = Short in both majors.  Usually 1-1-4-7.
                    4D would then be Relay Gerber.
     
     4C or 4D - Natural, invitational.
     
          Opener:        S- x      H- Ax       D- Jxxx     C- KQJxxx
          Responder A:   S- KQxx   H- Jxxx     D- Axx      C- Ax
     
          3C        - 11-15 HCPs, 6+Clubs, 4 weak diamonds.
               3H   - GF.  "Short in which major suit?"
          3S        - Short in spades.
               3NT  - "I would've bid Clubs opposite a H-x.
     
          Responder B:   S- Jxxx   H- KQxxx    D- KQ       C- Ax     
     
          3C   3H   - Game-Force. Short Suit Asking Bid.
          3S   4C   - TAB in Clubs.
          4H        - Minimum, C-Q +/or 7+ Clubs.
               5C   - 3NT may be down one off the top.
     
          Responder C:   S- KJxx   H- KQJ     D- AQxx      C- Ax
     
          3C   3H   - GF.  "Short in which major suit?"
          3S   4D   - TAB in Diamonds.
          4NT       - One Key Card, minimum, no Diamond Queen.
               5D   - With all of this, no slam.


Cowboy

     
          I have come to know the Troglydite as "Cowboy".  Perhaps it
     was his maverick style or his bullish optimism that brought him the
     name.  Or perhaps his horse mane hair and card sharp reputation
     brought him the monicker.  This cowpuncher is the direct antithesis
     of his opponents.  He is easily the luckiest bridge player in the
     world.  He quickly attracted the envy of the Maggot, who turns
     green at the sound of Cowboy describing a finesse as "two top
     tricks".  This explains why the Maggot calls him "God's Favourite
     Atheist".  The Cowboy is charming as an individual and skilled as
     a player, garnering him a place right next to Fleshie's in Attila's
     Pantheon of the Despised.  
     
          In one rubber the Atheist defeated a 99% game before making a
     1.8% part score, a .4% game and a slam whose chances could only be
     measured with exponential notation.  Seeing this, Attila stormed
     into the local Post Office and tacked up a large picture of the
     cowpoke.  A caption underneath the photo read:  "The Law of
     Average's Most Wanted Man".
     
          Indeed, Cowboy's success has prompted him to take to cheating
     in order to provide his opponents an excuse for their inevitable
     losses.  Long before I arrived on the scene Cowboy and his previous
     partner established the practice of passing messages and cards
     underneath the table.  At one point this traffic became so regular
     and dependable that Attila dubbed it "The Punkydoodle's Corners
     Subway System".  Cowboy's old partner became known as "The
     Conductor" for his contribution to the local transit authority. 
     But the Conductor left the game, citing some flimsy excuse (he was
     getting married).  Since then, his name is rarely mentioned in
     polite Punkydoodle's Corners circles.
     
                         S- 
                         H- Qx
                         D- Jxxxx
                         C- AKJxxx
          S- A                           S- J97xx
          H- Jxx                         H- xxx
          D- AKQxxx                      D- xx
          C- Qxx                         C- xxx
                         S- KQ108xxx
                         H- AKxxx
                         D- 
                         C- x
                           Cowboy
     
          Opener    Maggot    Cowboy    Attila
     
           3C       Pass       3H        4D
          Dble      Pass       6S       Dble
          Pass      Pass      Rdble          Pass
          Pass      Pass
     
          The 3C opening was slightly off-shape.  Cowboy ventured a 3H
     response to ask for Opener's major suit shortness.  The final
     contract might seem ambitious to many.
     
          Our hero ruffed the D-A lead and pondered his chances.  This
     did not take long, since he had so few.  He lead a Heart to the
     Queen and ruffed a second Diamond.  He now played off two top
     Hearts from his hand and then lead a club towards dummy.  When
     Attila played low he finessed with the C-J.  Two top Club honours
     allowed him to ditch his two small Hearts.  When he lead a Diamond
     from Dummy the Maggot, down to only trumps, was forced to ruff. 
     Cowboy over-ruffed, exited with his lowest Spade to Attila's Ace
     before claiming the last three tricks with his S-KQ10.
     
          "Six Spades, doubled and redoubled--oh, and vulnerable,"
     scored Cowboy, "that's +2070."  It was a number he knew well.
     
          "Would it have helped," wondered a shocked Attila, "if I had
     led my Ace of trumps?"
     
          Cowboy shook his head, saying:  "It wouldn't have helped us at
     all."
     
          The Maggot was non-plussed.
     
          "Where do you get your luck?" he asked.
     
          "Well, sometimes it comes from above," drawled the cowpoke,
     casting a glance towards Attila, "and sometimes it comes from
     another direction." 


The Two No Trump Opening Bid

                            
     
          Open 2NT with 23-24 HCPs and a flat hand.  2NT Opener may have
     any five-card suit.  The possibility that 2NT Opener might have a
     major suit differentiates the 2NT Opener from lesser balanced
     Openers.  The reason for this distinction is that, if such a strong
     hand opened 1C and rebid in the major over a negative 1D response
     (i.e. 1C:1D:1H or 1S), Responder might pass with the 3 HCPs that
     make game.  There is no such danger if Opener is limited to 22
     HCPs. 
     
     Now:
     3C   - Baron.  Slam try.  Forcing to 4NT.  
     
          Opener:        S- KQxx      H- AJx      D- AKxx     C- AK
          Responder:     S- Axxx      H- Kxxx     D- x        C- xxx
     
     2NT  3C   - "Cheapest 4+carder?"  Forcing to 4NT.
     3D   3H   - Trial TAB on 4+H-s which Opener ignores because...
     3S        - ...he lacks 4+ Hearts.  He has 4+ Spades, though.
          4S   - TAB in Spades.
     5C        - Maximum.
          5D   - "Key Cards?"
     5S        - {1 or} 4 Key Cards.
          6S   - A small slam should be enough.
     
     
     3D   - Jacoby transfer to hearts.  Often done with 4 Hearts.
     
          Opener:         S- KQxx      H- AJx      D- AKxx    C- AK
          Responder:      S- Jxxx      H- Qxxx     D- x       C- xxx
     
          2NT  3D   - Transfer to 4+ Hearts.
          3H   3S   - With 4+ Spades.
          4C        - Cuebid, interested in slam if Responder is.
               4H   - Which he isn't.
          4S        - "Okay."
     
     3H   - Jacoby transfer to spades.  Often done with 4 Spades.
     
          Opener:      S- AKx     H- AJxx     D- Ax      C- AKxx
          Responder:   S- Jxxx    H- x        D- Kxxxx   C- xxx
     
          2NT  3H   - Transfer to 4+card Spade suit.
          3S   4D   - Natural.
          4S   Pass - 4S is a better game than 3NT or 5D.
     
     
             Theory Point:  Notice that, when given a choice between a
             5-2 and a 4-3 fit with the same hand (Responder in this
             example) holding both lengths, the Moysian gives you the
             opportunity to establish the 5-carder by ruffing.
             
             The 3D and 3H transfer bidders are rarely slammish. 
             Because the initial 3D or 3H response is not game-forcing
             Transfer Responder cannot subsequently make Asking Bids. 
             If a slam is to be reached the partnership will have to
             rely on cuebids & Blackwood.
             
     3S   - Minor suit sign-off or slam try.  Opener rebids:  
          3NT  = D- preference or, at least, no distinct C- preference
          4C   = C- preference

               Responder can cuebid a major to try for slam.

     Opener:       S- QJxx     H- AKx     D- AQx       C- AKJ
     Responder:    S-          H- xxx     D- Kxxxxx    S- Qxxx

          2NT  3S   - Sign-off in a minor suit or...
          3NT  4S   - ...a cuebid, trying for a slam.
          5H        - Cuebid, hoping Responder can cuebid...
               5S   - ...a void in Spades with some grand slam interest.
          7C        - Indifferent about which minor to play in.
               7D   - "This is our trump suit."             

     4C   - Relay Gerber.  "Aces?"  Responder may relay for doubletons,
               Kings and extras.

     Opener:        S- AQx     H- KQJx     D- KQx      C- AQx
     Responder:     S- Kx      H- x        D- Jxxx     C- KJxxxxx

          2NT  4C   - Relay Gerber.  "Aces?"
          4NT       - "2 Aces, tending to deny a maximum."
                 Pass     - "Too bad."

     Opener:        S- Ax      H- AQx      D- KJxx     C- AKxx
     Responder:     S- xxx     H- Kxx      D- AQxxxx   C- xx

          2NT  4C   - Relay Gerber.  "Aces?"
          4D        - {0 or} 3 Aces.
               4H   - "Doubleton?"
          4NT       - "Doubleton Spade."
               5C   - "Kings?"
          5S        - "2 Kings."
               6D   - A Spade ruff should give us a 12th trick.  

     4D   - "Best major?"  Slam try if Blackwood or cuebids follow.
               
          Opener:       S- AQx      H- AJ      D- AKxx     C- AQxx
          Responder:    S- Kxxxx    H- Kxxxx   D- xx       C- x

          2NT  4D   - 5-4 or better majors.  "Pick!"
          4S   4NT  - Key Card Blackwood with Spades as trumps.
          5D   5H   - "Queen of Spades?"
          6S        - "Yes!"


Sultan


     Sitting across from Cowboy is the Sultan:  a tall, thin wisp of a
man whose misfortune rivals the Maggot's.  The Sultan's first curse is
his looks:  he bears an unfortunate resemblance to Ron Palileo
("Horshak" from "Welcome Back Carter").  Rising from his uneven facial
features between vacant eyes is a veritable mountain of a nose.  The
Sultan once woke up to find that Attila had rented out his nostrils as
a two-car garage.

     "He looks like a can opener with hair," commented the Caustic
Caution and, for once, few would disagree.  None of this talk disturbs
the Sultan's happy-go-lucky manner.  His sunny disposition and massive
proboscis resulted in him being dubbed the "Happy Hooknose".

     The Sultan's biggest problem, though, is his inability to attract
High Card Points.  Known alternately as the "Duke of Yarborough" or the
"Sultan of Spot", this man is largely responsible for the structure of
negative responses in their system.  Indeed, the touchstone of a 100%
forcing bid is one that even the Sultan cannot pass.  On one occasion
the Duke went three months without a single High Card Point.  When he
finally got a hand with a High Card Point--a measly Jack--he stopped the
game.

     "Wait a minute," he whispered suspiciously, "one of my cards is
staring at me!"

     After another such dry stretch the Duke gave up on his pursuit of
Aces and face cards.  Instead, he developed the Low Card Point Count: 
4 points for a ten, 3 for a nine, 2 for an eight, 1 for a seven and one
extra point for possession of all four deuces.  During this period of
development he picked up this hand:

                    S- A10
                    H- AQ9
                    D- AK53
                    C- AQJ9
     S- J987                             S- KQ
     H- 654                              H- KJ10
     D- 987                              D- QJ10x
     C- K64                              C- 10875
                    S- 65432
                    H- 8732
                    D- 42
                    C- 32
                    Sultan

          Cowboy    Attila         Sultan    Maggot
            2NT      Pass            3H       Pass
            3S       Pass            4H       Pass
           Pass      Pass

     Attila led the H-6.  The Sultan called for the H-9.  Winning this
trick with the H-10 the Maggot returned the D-Q.  The Hooknose played off
the D-AK before entering his hand with a Diamond ruff.  He took the Club
finesse before returning to his hand by ruffing Dummy's last Diamond
with his H-7.  At this point Attila considered tossing a Club to blank
his C-K but the Sultan could then make by playing a Club followed by the
Ace and Queen of Hearts, eventually endplaying the Maggot in Clubs. 
Instead, Attila threw a small Spade.

     Another Club hook allowed the Sultan to play off the C-A before
ruffing Dummy's fourth Club with his H-8.  A Spade to the Ace and another
Spade endplayed the Maggot in trumps.

     "Four Hearts, not vulnerable, making five" scored the Maggot
disgustedly, "for 450."

     "It was a good thing you had the seven and eight of Hearts, pard"
observed God's Favourite Atheist drily.

     "What?" asked an indignant Sultan.  "You think I bid on nothing?" 


The Artificial Game-Forcing Two Spade Opening Bid


     Opening a Precision 1C on a Game-Forcing hand will save the
partnership a lot of space but will also invite competition--especially
if the Game-Forcing hand is very distributional.  The 2S opening bid
makes it more dangerous for opponents to enter the auction.  But what
does the Canadian Club do about the lack of space?  Easy:  it compresses
its responses so as to show at least as much information as standard 2C
openings.  There are only three types of Game-Forcing hands that are NOT
opened 2S.  One is the shapely (5-5 or better) 2-suiter that will not be
interested in slam if Responder holds less than 8 HCPs.

     Opener:   S- AKJ10x    H- x       D- AKQxx   C- Kx

          Yes, game seems probable but slam seems unlikely
          if Responder holds 0-7 HCPs.  Open 1C, not 2S.

     The second type of Game-Forcing hand that is NOT opened 2S is the
one where Opener holds a void in one suit and lacks the Ace of the
corresponding suit.  In this context, Clubs correspond with Hearts while
Spades correspond with Diamonds.

     Opener:   S- AKQJxxx   H- KQx     D- AKx     C- 

     Game seems certain and slam may be likely--even opposite a 0-7 HCP
     hand.  But if Responder to 2S shows a "rounded" (i.e. H- or C-)
     Ace you will not know which rounded Ace he holds.  Open 1C, not 2S.

     The third Game-Forcer that is opened 1C rather than 2S is the
     distributional hand that is curious about only one suit before
     settling the final contract.

     Opener:   S- Axxx      H-         D- AKQJxxxx     C- A
               
     Open 1C and make an Honour Check in Spades.  This will be all you
     need to know before bidding game or slam in diamonds.

     Now:
       2NT              - No Ace.
       3C               - Club or Heart (i.e. round suit) Ace.
       3D               - Diamond or Spade (i.e. pointed suit) Ace.
       3H, 3S, 4C or 4D - Cheaper of two TOUCHING Aces.
       3NT              - Any two NON-TOUCHING Aces.

          Continuation:  Upon hearing the Ace response Opener rebids an
          "Exclusion" {usually short} suit, asking Responder for Kings
          and Queens outside that suit.  Responder bids the first step
          with no such King or Queen, one step for 
          each such Queen, two steps for each such King.  Opener can
          then relay for short suits (SSAB) and then, possibly, long
          suits (bid naturally).

     Opener:        S- x         H- AKQJx     D- AKx     C- AKJx
     Responder:     S- AQxxx     H- x         D- xxx     C- xxxx

     2S        - Artificial Game Force.  "Aces?"
          3D   - The Ace of Spades {or Diamonds}."
     3S        - "Kings and Queens outside Spades?"
          3NT  - "No King or Queen outside Spades."
     4C        - "Short Suit?"  4H, signing off here, is an alternative.
          4H   - "Short Hearts."
     4S        - "Long suit?"
          5C   - "4+ Clubs."  4NT here would've shown Spades only.
     5S        - "How many Clubs?"
          5NT  - "Only four."
     6C        - "Too bad."

     2S Opener can use an asequential rebid of the exclusion suit (e.g.
5S in the above example) to request clarification of Responder's last
bid.

     Bear in mind that after the Exclusion Suit bid there are, in
effect, only three suits in the deck.

     When asked for clarification of his King/Queen Asking Bid reply
Responder's actions depend upon how many steps his KQAB reply was:

     1 Step  - Cuebid a Jack or rebid NT (with no Jack).
     2 Steps - Cuebid the Queen.
     3 Steps - Cue the King if you have one, else cue the "odd suit
               out" (i.e. the suit without a Queen).
     4 Steps - Bid NT or Excluded suit to show 3 Qs.  
               Otherwise cuebid the "odd suit out":
               - Cue the KQ suit, OR            
               - Cue the suit with no honour.
     5 Steps - Bid NT or Excluded suit with an Honour in every suit.
               Otherwise cuebid the "odd suit out":
               - 2 Kings?  Cue Kingless suit, else...
               - Cuebid the suit with no honour.


     Opener:     S- AJ10xxxx     H- AKx     D-             C- AKx

i)   2S   2NT  - Partner denies an Ace.
     3D   3NT  - 2 Queens or a King.
     4D   ??   - 4H  = {H-K or} Spade and Club Queens.
               - 4S  = S-K or H-Q with the C-Q.
               - 4NT = Or 5C.  {C-K or} S-Q with the H-Q.

ii)  2S   2NT
     3D   4C   - 3 Queens or a King and a Queen.
     5D   ??   - 5H  = {H-KQ or C-K with S-Q or} S-K with S-Q.
               - 5S  = {C-K with H-Q or C-Q with H-K or} S-KQ. 
               - 5NT = {Queens of C-, H- and S-.}
               - 6C  = {C-KQ or H-K with S-Q or} S-K with H-Q.

iii) 2S   2NT
     3D   4D   - 2 Kings or 1 King and 2 Queens.
     5D   ??   - 5H  = {S-K & C-K, C-KQ & S-Q OR C-KQ & S-Q.}
               - 5S  = {C-K & H-K, C-KQ & H-Q OR H-KQ & C-Q.}
               - 5NT = Honour in each non-excluded suit. 
               - 6C  = {H-K & S-K, H-KQ & S-Q OR} S-KQ & H-Q.

     98% of the time 2S Opener will be able to discern from these
clarifications which honour(s) Responder holds.  What about the other 2%
of the time?  Ever hear of bad luck?

     When asked for a clarification of a Short Suit Asking bid:

     1st Step - Small singleton.
     2nd Step - Void.
     3rd Step - Stiff J, Q, K or A.  Often better than a void here.

     If requested to clarify a request for along suit skip one step for
each card above 4 (i.e. 1st step = 4, 2nd step = 5, 3rd step = 6, etc.).

     After hearing the response to his Clarification Request Forcing
Partner can resume the chain of Asking Bids by rebidding the Exclusion
Suit.  Any other rebid signs off.
          
Interference:  A double allows Responder to use ROPI opposite anything
but a Long Suit Asking Bid.  Free non-jump overcalls meet with DOPI.


     Opener:        S-         H- AKQxxx     D- AKx      C- KQJx
     Responder:     S- Kxxx    H- xx         D- xxxx     C- xxx

     2S   2NT  - No Ace.
     3S        - "Kings and Queens outside this Exclusion Suit?"
          3NT  - "No King or Queen outside Spades."
     4H        - "As good a place as any;  better than most."

     N.B.:     If Responder held D-xx, 7+D-s or 5+C-s this pair     
               may be missing a minor suit slam.  This is        
               the price of strong 2-level openings.

     Opener:        S- AKQxxx  H- AKQx    D-         C- KJxx
     Responder:     S-         H- xxxxx   D- xxxx    C- Axxx

     2S        - Artificial game force.  "Ace(s)?"
          3C   - Ace of Clubs or Hearts.
     3D        - Kings or Queens outside diamonds?     
          3H   - No King or Queen outside diamonds.
     3S        - "Short suits outside diamonds?"
          4C   - "Short spades!"  Oops!
     4D        - "Long suit?"  
          4H   - "Long hearts."
     5D        - "How long are your hearts?  Clarify."
          5S   - 2nd step.  "Five hearts."
     7H        - "And I thought we'd play in spades!"

             This example illustrates the importance of holding the Ace
             of the suit that corresponds to your void.  Without the H-
             Ace how would Opener know that Responder holds the C- Ace?
             
          Opener:       S- x        H- AKJxxx     D- A       C- AKQJx
          Responder:    S- Jxxx     H- Q          D- Qxxx    C- xxx   

     2S        - "Got an Ace?"
          2NT  - "Nope."
     3C        - "Got any Kings or Queens outside clubs?"
          3H   - "One such Queen, no such King."
     4C        - "Cuebid that Queen, please."
          4H   - "This one."
     6H        - "Enough said."

             This example illustrates the honour-locating clarification
             request.
             
             Having made a clarification request (i.e. by making an
             asequential rebid of the Excluded Suit) 2S Opener can "get
             back on track" and resume the Asking Bid chain by rebidding
             the Excluded Suit.  Instead of 6H in the above example
             Opener could have bid 5C and learned of the stiff Queen of
             Hearts.


The Maggot Makes a Finesse!

              

     Sleep is an unplanned affair in Punkydoodle's Corners.  One player
takes too long for a play or call and the others either recognize that
he is asleep or fall asleep themselves.  Soon all four players are
unconscious.  Only rarely do any of them make it as far as their beds in
the adjoining rooms.  On one occasion I awoke to find the Caustic
Caution, Cowboy and the Duke of Yarborough picking up their hands.  They
wondered aloud about who was going to go into the Maggot's bedroom to
wake him up.  All three refused the mission and then turned to stare
pointedly at me.  Clearly, the job was mine.

     I inhaled deeply before entering the Maggot's crypt.  Instantly, I
sensed where Attila's letter bomb must have exploded.  Garbage, sweaty
clothes and debris were scattered hip deep about the room.  I stumbled
towards the Ghost of Cleanliness Past, still holding my breath.  I shook
the comatose Maggot awake.

     "Is it tomorrow already?" he moaned, wiping the blur and sleep from
his eyes.  Pausing for a moment to orient himself to reality--such as it
is in Punkydoodle's Corners--the Son of Miss Fortune threw on a
bathrobe.  He yawned inadvertently, his morning breath curling my
eyebrows.  I helped him to the table where he took his seat and picked
up his first hand of the day.

                    S- 52
                    H- Q97
                    D- J94
                    C- A10765
     S- 1074                        S- K8
     H- 543                         H- J862
     D- 632                         D- K54
     C- 984                         C- KQJ3
                    S- AQJ963
                    H- AK10
                    D- AQ108
                    C- 2
                      Maggot

     Maggot    Sultan         Attila    Cowboy
       2S       Pass            3C       Pass
       4C       Pass            4H       Pass
       4S       Pass           4NT       Pass
       5C       Pass            5H       Pass
       6C       Pass            6D       Pass
       6S       Pass           Pass      Pass

     The Happy Hooknose led a small Club and dummy came down.  It seemed
like an unremarkable hand to me.  Six Spades, requiring one of two
finesses.  Realizing this, the Maggot conceded down one and threw his
cards into the centre of the table.

     "Come on, Mag", chided his partner, "at least give it the old
college try."

     The Ghost shrugged his shoulders and picked up his hand again. 
Winning the first trick with the C-A he lead a Spade towards his own hand
and inserted the S-Q.  It held.

     "Nice defence," commented the Maggot.  He knew the script by heart: 
he would waste his last entry to dummy in order to repeat the finesse; 
the Sultan would win the second round of Spades and then Declarer would
not even be able to get back to dummy to lose the Diamond hook.

     "Kto skazal `A'," muttered a resigned Maggot, astonishing me with
his knowledge of Russian proverbs.  Once you've said `A' {you must say
`B'}.  He re-entered Dummy with the H-Q and played a small trump.  The
Law of Average's Most Wanted Man contributed the S-K.  The Maggot stared
at the card until the truth set in.

     "A finesse!" he shouted.  "I made a finesse!  I can't believe it! 
I made a finesse!"

     With this he threw his cards up into the air and jumped to his
feet.  Waving his arms and screaming uncontrollably, he started dancing
an Irish jig.  With surprising grace he made the transitions into a
tarantella, a skottische, a brief Charleston and then a stylized Cossack
sabre dance.  At this point he caught sight of the other three players
looking at him with coprophaegic grins spread across their faces. 
Slowly the truth dawned.

     "Oh, no," cried the Maggot.  "You...you couldn't have...you
wouldn't...you didn't..."

     "Enough of this fun, pard," announced the Rattler, "it's time to
play some real bridge."


The Two Heart Opening Bid


     A 2H opening bid is roughly analogous to the Precision 2D opening. 
But unlike the Precision 2D, a Canadian Club 2H does not offer Left Hand
Opponent a "free" double.  2H promises 11-15 HCPs and a 3-suiter with
one of these five distributions:

     4-4-0-5   - The "Club" type.
          S- Axxx    H- KJxx    D-         C- KQxxx

     4-4-1-4   - The "stiff Diamond" type.
          S- Qxxx    H- AQxx    D- K       C- Axxx

     4-5-0-4   - The "Heart" type.  Denies H-K, H-Q or H-A.
          S- Kxxx    H- Jxxxx   D-         C- AKQx

     5-4-0-4   - The "Spade" type.  Denies S-K, S-Q or S-A.
          S- xxxxx   H- AQJx    D-         C- AJxx

     4-4-2-3   - The "No Trump" type.  Denies Kx or better in Diamonds.
          S- KJxx    H- QJxx    D- xx      C- AKx

     Now:

2NT  - This is the Game-Forcing Response.  "Describe your hand, pard."

     3C   = 4-4-1-4.  Now 3D asks for a stiff Diamond honour.
     3D   = 4-4-0-5.
     3H   = 4-5-0-4 with 5 weak Hearts (i.e. no top honour).
     3S   = 5-4-0-4 with 5 weak Spades (i.e. no top honour).
     3NT  = 4-4-2-3, Qx or worse in Diamonds (else a 1NT opening).

          2NT Responder often uses 4D as a Short Suit Signoff.

     Opener:        S- KQxx    H- KJxx    D- x       C- Kxxx
     Responder:     S- Jx      H- AQxx    D- Q10xx   C- Axx

     2H   2NT  - "Distribution?"
     3C   3D   - "Do you have a stiff D- honour?"
     3H        - "No, but I do have something in hearts.
          4D   - To stop in 4H.
     4H        - Forced.
          Pass - 3NT might have played well opposite a stiff D- honour. 


Pass, 2S, 3C or 3D  - Weak sign-off in the bid suit.

     Responder:     S- xxx         H- xxx            D- xxxxx        C- xx
               
          Pass the 2H opening before the doubles starting flying.

3H or 3S  - Inviting game in the bid major.  Non-forcing.

     Responder:     S- AJxx        H- x              D- Kxxxx        S- KJx

               Although the D-K is likely useless, invite 4S with 3S.
 
3NT  - Invitational only, based on minor suit length.
                    - Opener pulls to 4C if minimum.

     Opener:        S- Kxxx    H- AJxx    D- J       C- Kxxx
     Responder:     S- xx      H- Qx      D- AQxxx   C- QJxx

     2H        - 3-suited, 0-2 diamonds.  11-15 HCPs.
          3NT  - "Please leave here me unless you have..."
     4C        - "...a minimum."


The Lady in Dread


     I asked the players why they were not interested in playing
duplicate bridge.  In truth, I had an ulterior motive:  if I could find
a duplicate game I could find civilization and get out of Punkydoodle's
Corners.  The players stared at me blankly.  Later, the Maggot took me
aside and explained.  The PdCers had been declared primata non grata at
every club in the district.  It seemed that sensitive listeners didn't
want to sit with earshot of Attila, bidders didn't want to sit in the
same direction as the Duke, first place aspirants didn't want to play in
the same game as God's Favourite Atheist and nose breathers didn't want
to sit downwind of the Maggot.

     Nor were the Maggot or Attila quick to return after their last
foray into duplicate bridge.  Lured by the glamour and excitement of a
National the residents of Punkydoodle's Corners travelled "en masse" to
the big city to participate.  The Open Pairs event involved 13 2-board
rounds.  As two dignified ladies approached their table the Rattler
hissed:  "Here come two sure tops."

     On the first hand the woman on Attila's left brought home a chancy
slam in spectacular fashion.  What she did on the second hand is still
a subject of reverent whispers around Punkydoodle's Corners.

                          Maggot
                         S- QJ87
                         H- AK86
                         D- 8
                         C- A1064
           Our Heroine                   H's Partner
          S- K62                         S- 42
          H- Q4                          H- J752
          D- AKQJ7642                    D- 1053
          C-                             C- 98732
                          Attila
                         S- A10953
                         H- 1093
                         D- 9
                         C- KQJ5

     Maggot    H's Pard  Attila    Heroine
       2H        Pass      3S        4D
       4S         5D      Pass      Pass
       5S        Pass     Pass      Dble
      Pass       Pass     Pass

     With both sides vulnerable scores on this hand were "all over the
map".  Many North-South pairs chalked up +620 for their vulnerable 4S
game.  Others collected +200 against the opponents' good 5D sacrifice. 
Some unfortunates spat up -710 for doubling 4D.  But only the Ghost of
Cleanliness Past and the Caustic Caution found a way to go for -800.

     With cucumbrian coolness our heroine led the D-2 from D-AKQJ7642. 
Her partner did a doubletake at winning this trick with her ten before
returning a low Club.  The lady in the limelight trumped this and
switched to the H-Q.  Attila won with the H-K in dummy and finessed a
Spade.  Winning this trick our heroine put her small Heart on the table. 
Attila harrumphed, confidantly calling for a small Heart from the table. 
When RHO won this trick with her only High Card Point (I leave it to the
reader to guess which direction the Sultan sat in this event) she
tracked back another Club.  Our heroine ruffed this and magnanimously
conceded the remainder of the tricks.

     Silence reigned at the table until the Director called for the next
round to commence.  The ladies wished them luck and moved on.

     "You were right, pard," said the Maggot cheerfully.  "Two tops just
came and went."

     *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     The Ghost shook his head glumly as he finished relating this story
to me.

     "I made a note of that lady's name in case we ever ran up against
her again."

     "Oh?  Who was she?" I asked.

     "She went by the name of Helen Sobel.  Ever hear of her?"


The Mexan Two Diamond Opening Bid


     A 2D Opening bid can be either Mexican (flat distribution without
a 4+card major, 21-22 HCPs) OR Roman (16-24 HCPs with any 4-4-4-1 type). 
Holding a flat 21-22 HCPs and a 4+card major open 1C, not 2D, with the
idea of rebidding the major over a negative 1D response.  The preclusion
of a 4+card major in Opener's hand, in addition to the point range,
distinguishes the Mexican hand from a 2NT Opener.

     Now:
3D   - Signoff with 3+ Diamonds and 4+ Hearts.  Tends to deny 3+ Spades.

     Responder:     S- xx       H- xxxxx     D- xxxx     C- xx

     Yes, a pass might work out best, but 3D keeps the auction open for:

     Opener:        S- AKxx     H- AQJx      D- x        C- Axxx

3C   - Signoff with 3+ Clubs and a 4+card red suit.  Tends to deny 3+S-s.

     Responder:     S- xx       H- xxxxx     D- xxx      C- xxx

     Believe it or not, bid 3C.  Works with the above and:

     Opener:        S- AQx      H- Ax        D- AKxxx    C- Axx

     Opener ventures a 3D rebid, which Responder will pass.

2NT  - 1-suiter with a 6+carder.  "Shortness?"  Flat Opener rebids 3NT.
          Roman Opener can rebid the singleton at the 4-level only with
               22-24 HCPs.
     2NT Responder cannot subsequently make Asking Bids unless he holds
          a minor and hears 3NT from Opener.

     Opener:      S- AQx        H- AK        D- KQJxx     C- AJx
     Responder:   S- x          H- xxx       D- xx        C- KQ10xxx

     2D        - "Roman or Mexican?"
          2NT  - 1-suiter, will play opposite an x.
     3NT       - Mexican, 21-22 HCPs, no major.
          4C   - TAB.  4NT here would've been Blackwood.
     4H        - Maximum.
          4S   - "Okay.  4th Club?  C-Q?"
     5C        - 3 Clubs, 3 Key Cards.  No C-Q.
          6C   - Unlikely to be off 2 quick tricks.

2S   - Weak sign-off with 3+ spades.  Opener rebids:

          - Pass  = Roman with 4 Spades, 16 to 20 HCPs.
          - 2NT   = Mexican.  Now anything by Responder is a sign-off.
          - 3C    = Roman without 4 Spades.
          - 3D    = Game try with 4-4-1-4, 21 - 24 HCPs.
          - 3H    = Game try with 4-1-4-4, 21 - 24 HCPs.
          - 3S    = Game try with 4-4-4-1, 21 - 24 HCPs.

     Responder:    S- xxx H- xxx     D- xx      C- xxxxx
     Opener:       S- AJx H- KQx     D- AJxx    C- AQx

     2D   2S   - Weak signoff in a 3+card Spade suit.
     2NT       - Flat hand, 21-22 HCPs.
          3C   - Signoff.
     Pass

     Responder:    S- xxx      H- xx      D- Kxxxx   C- xxx
     Opener:        S- x       H- AQxx    D- AQxx    C- Axxx

     2D   2S
     3C        - 3-suited, short in Spades.
          4D   - "In that case how about 5D?"
     Pass      - "Thanks, but no thanks."

2H   - "Describe."  Now:

          3NT, 4C, 4D, 4H - 20-24, short in next higher suit.
               - Responder can rebid the short suit to sign off.

     Opener:        S- AQJx    H- KQJx    D- AKQx    C- x
     Responder A:   S- xx      H- xx      D- Jxx     C- KQJxxx

     2D   2H   - "Which type of 2D Opener?"
     3NT  Pass - 3NT showed the 4-4-4-1 hand, 22-24 HCPs.
          
     Responder B:   S- xxxx    H- xx      D- Jxxx    C- KQx

     2D   2H   - "Roman or Mexican?"
     3NT  4C   - Forces 4D.  Begins a sign off in...
     4D   4S   - ...4S.  Compare this to:

     Opener:        S- AQJx    H- KQJx    D- AKQx    C- x  
     Responder C:   S- Kxxx    H- xx      D- Jxxx    C- Axx

     2D   2H   - "3-suited or flat?  Strength?"
     3NT  4S   - Failure to use the 4D Short Suit Signoff is a TAB.
     4NT       - Minimum hand with the trump Queen.
          5C   - "Key Cards?" (i.e. any Ace or the S-K).
     5S        - 2 Key Cards.
          6S   - A reasonable gamble.
     
     3C, 3D, 3H or 3S - 19-21, short in higher suit.
               - Responder now rebids the short suit to sign off.
               - Other suit rebids by Responder are TABs.

     2S   - 16-18.  4-4-4-1 type, unknown shortness.  Now we'll see:
               
     3C   - 0-6 HCPs, 4+ Clubs and 3+ Diamonds and/or 3+ Hearts.

     3D   - 0-6 HCPs, 4+ Diamonds and 3+ Hearts.

     3H   - 5-7 HCPs, 4+ Hearts and 4 Spades.

     3S   - 5-7 HCPs, 4 Spades and a 4+card minor suit.

     2NT  - After 2D:2H:2S Responder usually forces with 2NT, asking 2D
               Opener to rebid the suit below his shortness.

     Opener:        S- QJxx    H- KJxx    D- AKJx    C- Q
     Responder:     S- Kxxx    H- Qxx     D- xxx     C- Kxxx

     2D   2H   - "Roman or Mexican?"
     2S        - "Roman, mimimum.  Any short suit."
          2NT  - "Which short suit?"
     3S        - "Short in Clubs."  Not good news.
          4C   - Short Suit Signoff.  "Bid 4D, please."
     4D        - "Okay."
          4S   - "Now PASS, please."
     Pass      - "Okay."

     2D:2H:2NT - Mexican.  Responder now rebids as opposite 2NT except
                    that 3C is MINIMAMA, since 2D Opener denies a 
                    4+card major.

     Opener:        S- QJx     H- KQx     D- AQx     C- AKQx
     Responder A:   S- xxx     H- xx      D- xxx     C- xxxxx

     2D        - "Mexican.  Flat, 21-22 HCPs, no 4+card major."
          2S   - Sign-off attempt in 3+card Spade suit.
     2NT       - Mexican without 4 Spades--else pass.
          3C   - Natural signoff.  NOT Baron!
     Pass      - Opener would preference to 3D with superior Diamonds.


     Opener:        S- Qxx     H- KQJ     D- AQx     C- AKQ
     Responder B:   S- x       H- Axx     D- Kxxxx   C- Jxxx 

     2D   2H   - "Roman or Mexican?"
     2NT  3S   - Minor Suit Slam or Sign-off attempt.
     4C        - Club preference (else 3NT).
          4H   - Cuebid slam try.
     4NT       - Interested but no Spade control.
          6C   - Responder has 8 working HCPs.


The Leading Man


     Those who hold cards as poor as the Sultan tend to find themselves
on opening lead more than the rest of us.  And, just as "practice makes
perfect", the Duke's experience and skill in this field has earned him
the role of "leading man".  On rare occasions when he is at a loss for
a good opening lead Cowboy comes to his rescue, humming "The Troglydite
Song", "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend", "Dear Heart" or "Coal
Miner's Daughter" for a lead of the appropriate suit.  In recent years
this practice became more refined, adding tunes to call for either of
two suits or any of three suits.  Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" is
geared towards a Heart or Diamond lead.  Gordon Lightfoot's "Black Day
in July" attracts a Club or Spade start.  Bob Dylan's "Black Diamond
Bay" encourages any lead other than Hearts.  Unfortunately for those
with earshot, Lady Luck's Lover is completely tone deaf.  As the Rattler
has pointed out, the cowpoke couldn't carry a note in an envelope.  His
mournful, off-key humming has caused this lead directing convention to
be called "The Dreary Convention". 

     Staring at  S- Qx  H- 109x  D- xxx  C- 109xxx the Hooknose heard this
auction:

     Attila         Sultan    Maggot    Cowboy

       2D       Pass            2H       Pass
       2S       Pass            2NT      Pass
       3C       Pass            3S       Pass
       4D       Pass            4S       Pass
      Pass      Pass

     Knowing that Opener holds 16-17 HCPs, 4-4-1-4 distribution and 0 or
3 Key Cards what should he lead?  The Duke needed no help from Dreary
here.  As soon as the final pass came out of his mouth a small Spade
shot out of his hand.

                          Maggot
                         S- J10xx
                         H- J
                         D- KQ10xx
                         C- Qxx
      Sultan                             Cowboy
     S- Qx                               S- Axx
     H- 109x                             H- Kxxxx
     D- xxx                              D- AJ9x
     C- 109xxx                           C- J
                          Attila
                         S- K9xx
                         H- AQ10x
                         D- x
                         C- AKxx


     Cowboy won the trump lead and returned another.  Attila couldn't
see the point in rising with the King;  what idiot would lead from S-Qx?

     Winning with the S-Q the Hooknose returned a Diamond to Dummy's King
and partner's Ace.  This allowed the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man to
play a third round of trump.  Declarer could no longer set up Diamonds. 
Instead, the Rabid Rattler banged down the H-A and tabled the H-Q for a
trumping finesse.  The Sultan broke out laughing at this effort.

     "You thought that I could be dealt the Spade Queen and the Heart
King on the same hand?" giggled the Duke of Yarborough.

     "No," blushed the Caustic Caution, "but I couldn't think of anyone
on your side more deserving of the Heart King."

     "It was the Spade King, not the Heart King, which was misplaced,"
opined the Maggot.

     "But the Spade King was in my hand," said Attila, bewildered by his
partner's observation.

     "Yes," agreed the Maggot, "and at trick three it was still in your
hand!"


The Two Club Opening Bid


     2C Opener holds 11-15 HCPs and either 5+ Clubs with a 4-card major
OR 6+ Clubs.  He denies 4+ Diamonds (see 1D & 3C openings).

     Now:
2D   - 4+ Hearts, 7-11 HCPs.  Trial transfer.

     Responder:    S- Kxx      H- Qxxx      D- KJxx      C- Jx

          Reply 2D to 2C, intending to rebid 2NT.

2H   - 4+ Spades, 7-11 HCPs.  Trial transfer.

          - Opener completes these Trial Tranfers with 2+card support.
          - If Opener accepts, Responder must rebid with only a major.

2S   - Game force.  "4-card major?"  Opener rebids:

     2NT  - No 4-card major.  Unsolid Clubs.

     Opener:       S- Ax       H- Kx        D- Qxx       C- KJxxxx

          Rebid 2NT, showing a 1-suited Club hand without C-AKQxxx.
          Responder often rebids 3C, a Trial TAB in Clubs.

          3C       - 4 Hearts.  N.B.:  Clubs correspond to Hearts.
          3D       - 4 Spades.  N.B.:  Diamonds correspond to Spades.
          3H or 3S - Major suit stopper, SOLID Clubs, no 4-card major.

     Opener:   S- Axx     H- xx D- xx    C- AKQxxx

          Your 3S rebid will deny a 4-card major or H- guard but show
               solid C-s.

          3NT  - Diamond guard, SOLID Clubs, no major suit/stopper.

     2NT  - Invitational with Diamond length.

          Opener:        S- xxxx     H- Ax       D- Kx        C- KQxxx
          Responder A:   S- QJx      H- Qxx      D- QJxxxx    C- Ax

          2C   2NT  - Invitational, based on diamond length.
          Pass      - Same as above.

          Responder B:    S- Jxxx    H- Qxx       D- QJxxx    C- Ax

          2C        - 11 to 15 HCPs, Clubs and, possibly, a major.
               2H   - 4+ Spades.  Trial Transfer.
          2S        - 2+ Spades, minimum (else 3D, 3H or 3S).
               2NT  - Flattish distribution.
          Pass      - "Nobody here but us chickens!"

          Responder C:    S- x       H- KQxx     D- AQJxxx    C- Ax
          
          2C   2S   - Artificial GF.  "Major?"
          3D        - 4 Spades.
               4C   - TAB in clubs.
          4D        - Minimum with C-Q +/or 6+ Clubs.
               4S!  - Control Check.  "Control in Spades?"
          4NT       - No control in Spades.
               6D!  - Can't be worse than a finesse.


A Beauty and a Pearl


     The Maggot continued to regale me with stories of their
participation in the Nationals.  They had arrived on Friday, just in
time to play in the Swiss Teams.  The Ghost insists that their entry
into the playing room might have gone unnoticed had the Head Director
not pointed at them and screamed "Aliens!"  The Fearsome Foursome was
forced to retreat under a hail of boards, pencils, chairs, shrieks and
abuse.  They regrouped in the men's room.  A terrified occupant of one
of the cubicles was impressed into service as an intermediary.  This go-
between negotiated with the directors to facilitate the Foursome's
participation in the tournament.  He returned with terms:  the players
would have to change into clean clothes, bathe, remove all facial hair
and ditch Fleshie.  While the others promised reluctant compliance the
Maggot remained adamant.  Clearly, this was no way to treat a visiting
dignitary such as the Mayor of all Punkydoodle's Corners.

     Eventually a compromise was worked out.  The Foursome rented a
hotel room, scraped off their beards, cleaned themselves up and changed
their ecoutre.  They cut up a bedsheet and threw it over Fleshie.  After
showers, shaves and shroud they re-entered the playing site without
incident.  The PdCers bought their entry and sat down.

     The first opponents to play against Attila and the Maggot were a
kindly old grandmother playing with her attractive granddaughter.  The
Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune stopped fuming for a moment to smile at
his adversaries.  Fleshie was not so mollified.  The granddaughter
wondered what was under the shroud and why it was on the Ghost's
shoulder.  The Caustic Caution explained that it was a cancerous growth,
an oozing open sore too hideous to show the public.  His partner quickly
clamped his hand on the top of the sheet to quell any squawks.

     The Rabid Rattler turned his attention to the elder opponent. 
Glancing at her convention card he chortled:  "I don't believe it. 
She's so old her name is Pearl."

     As play began this abuse continued.  Whenever the lady failed to
make a bid or play in exact tempo the Caution prodded her with such
charming admonitions as "Come on, lady.  Before rigor mortis sets in..."
and "Hey, lady, nap time is between rounds!"

     For her part the grandmother never lost her composure.  She smiled
in the face of this abuse, even thanking the Rattler for reminding her
when she might catch some sleep.

     As play progressed Attila became even more offensive--though one
would have to know the man to believe this possible.  His mood
deteriorated after the first hand:


                          Maggot
                         S- 7
                         H- KJ95
                         D- AKJ97
                         C- 964
           Pearl                         Beauty
          S- AQ10643                     S- 852
          H- A6                          H- 108432
          D- Q843                        D- 102
          C- K                           C- J103
                          Attila
                         S- KJ9
                         H- Q7
                         D- 56
                         C- AQ8752

          Attila    Pearl     Maggot    Beauty
            2C        2S       Dble      Pass
            3NT      Pass      Pass      Pass

     Three No Trump was made easily at the other table after a Spade
lead.  Declarer won, entered dummy with a Diamond and lead a small Club
to the C-8.  Five Club tricks, two in Diamonds and two in the majors
added up to nine.

     At this table Pearl offered up the Trojan Horse lead of the C-K. 
The Caution can resist anything but temptation.  Without a moment's
thought he scooped up the C-K with his C-A, banged down the C-Q and never
saw his hand again.  In with the C-J the Beauty dutifully played through
a Spade for partner.  Two Spades and a trick in every other suit meant
down one, -100.

     Sadly for the Fearsome Foursome, this was one of their better
boards from this round.  

     "But how could anyone lose a seven board match by a hundred and
nine IMPs?" the Sultan wondered in the post mortem.

     The granddaughter approached the Maggot with her sympathies.

     "I'm sorry about that...that thing," she whispered sweetly.

     "Oh, don't worry about this," the Ghost said nonchalantly, stroking
the top of the shroud, "it'll be fine."

     "Oh, that," she said, "I'm sorry about that too."

     Pearl confirmed the score.  Yes, 109, that was correct.  Attila was
shell-shocked, incapable of coherent speech.

     "Wha...wha...what happened?" he blithered.

     Pearl swung on her heels, pointed at her tormentor and hissed
through clenched teeth:  "That'll teach you, you f#!#@!# pooch!" 


The Weak One No Trump Opening Bid


     Open 1NT with a flat 13-16 HCPs.  Only Clubs may be 5 cards long. 
Do not open 1NT with 4 Diamonds unless holding 15-16 HCPs (see the One
Diamond Opening Bid).  If 1NT Opener has 4-4 majors he should NOT have
a worthless doubleton diamond (see 2H Opening).

     Now:
3NT or Higher NTs - Natural and quantitative.

     Responder:     S- KJx      H- QJx       D- AQxx        C- AJx

          Bid 4NT to invite 6NT.

3H or 3S - 6-card suit.  GF ("Game-Forcing").  5-Step TAB (8+card fit is
          assured).

     Responder:     S- Axxxxx   H- Kxx       D- AQx         C- x

     With no reason to allow Opener to play this hand, respond 3S
     to 1NT.  Opener will consider a 3rd Spade "extra trump length".

3C or 3D - 5+card suit, GF.  Trial TAB.  "Slam?  3+card support?".

     Responder:     S- Qxx      H- Ax        D- KJxxx       C- AQx

     Over your 3D response 1NT Opener will rebid 3NT with a doubleton
     Diamond, 3H or 3S with 3 Diamonds and a minimum.  This will allow
     you to stop in 3NT.  But maximal Opener will rebid at the 4-level,
     allowing you to investigate the chances of slam.

2S   - 4+ Spades, may have a 5+card 2nd suit.  GF.  Trial TAB of sorts.

     Responder:     S- AJxx     H- KJxxx    D- Kxx          C- x

     Start with 2S.  If Opener has 4 Spades he will make a TAB response,
     beginning at 3S.  If Opener does not have 4 Spades you will likely
     be able to make a 4-step Trial TAB with 3H at your next turn.

          Now:
     2NT  = 2-3 Spades with one or two 4-card minor(s).

     Opener:   S- Jxx      H- AQx     D- KQxx          C- AJx

     Despite your 16-count, rebid only 2NT for now.  This will allow
     Responder to search for a fit before deciding to go beyond 3NT.

     3C   = 2-3 Spades with 5 Clubs, minimum.

     Opener:   S- Jxx       H- AQ     D- KQx           C- Qxxxx

          Rebid 3C over 1NT:2S.

     3D   = 2-3 Spades with 5 Clubs, maximum.

     Opener:   S- Jxx       H- AQ     D- KQx           C- AJxxx

     Your 3D rebid will encourage partner to move towards 6C while 
     giving him the alternative of being Declarer in Clubs.

     3H   = 3-4-3-3 distribution.

     Opener:   S- Jxx       H- AQxx   D- KQx           C- Axx

     With no minor and no 4-card support for partner's Spades make
     a completely descriptive 3H.  Then 4NT will be Key Card Blackwood
     in Hearts while 3S, 4C and 4D by Resonder will all be TABs.

     3S, 3NT, 4C, 4D or 4H  = TAB responses with 4 Spades.       
     

     Opener:   S- Jxxx      H- AQx    D- KQx           C- Axx

     Your 3NT maximum-showing TAB response will reveal your 4-card 
     Spade suit and, quite possibly, inspire Responder to look at 6S.

     2H   - 4+Hearts, may have 5+card 2nd suit.  GF.  Trial TAB.

          Now:
          2S   - 4 Spades.  2-3 H-s.  

     Opener:   S- Qxxx       H- Kx     D- AJxx         C- KQx

     Over 1NT:2H rebid 2S, showing your Spades.  If Responder rebids
     2NT, looking for a minor, rebid 3S (D-s and a maximum; see below).

               Now 2NT is MINIMAMA, when:
             3C  = Clubs, minimum.
             3D  = 4-3-3-3, maximum.  Allows a 3H, 3S, 4C or 4D TAB.
                 - The 3D rebid is always "available" for        
                   artificial use since 1NT Opener can't
                   have 4 Diamonds and a minimum.

             3H  = 4 Clubs, maximum.
               
             3S  = 4 Diamonds; hence, a maximum.

            3NT  = 4-3-3-3 distribution, minimum.

          2NT  - No 4-card major, no 5-card Club suit (else 3C or 3D). 

     Opener:     S- xxx       H- Qxx     D- AJx         C- AKxx

     Over 1NT:2H rebid 2NT to deny a major, promising a 4-card minor. 
     If Responder rebids 3C show a minimum & 4 Clubs by rebidding 3NT.

          Now 3C is MINIMAMA, when:
          3D   = Both minors, hence a maximum.  Allows a SSAB of 3H.

          3H   = Clubs only, 3-3-3-4, maximum.

          3S   = Diamonds only, 3-3-4-3, maximum.

          3NT  = Clubs only, 3-3-3-4, minimum.

     3C   - No 4-card major, 5 Clubs, minimum.

     3D   - No 4-card major, 5 Clubs, maximum.

     3H, 3S, 3NT, 4C or 4D  - TAB replies with 4 Hearts.

     Opener:        S- Qx      H- Kxxx      D- Axx       C- Axxx

     1NT:2H:3NT will reveal your minimum, your 3 Key Cards and
     the absence of the H-Q in your hand.

2D   - "Spartacus":  A minor suit slam try, a GF 6+card major OR a weak
          signoff in any suit.

     Responder:     S- Kxx      H-          D- KQxxx      C- AJxxx

     A minor suit slam is a distinct possibility here.  After 1NT:2D:2H
     rebid 2NT to discover Opener's attitude to such a venture.

     Responder:     S- KQxxxx   H- xx       D- Axx        C- Ax

     Start with 2D, intending to raise the forced 2H rebid to 3H.
     This forces 3S, allowing Opener to play this hand in 4S.

     Responder:     S- xxx      H- x        D- xxx        C- Qxxxxx

     Respond 2D to 1NT; then sign off in 3C over the forced 2H bid.

          2H   - Forced!  Now:

               Pass, 2S, 3C or 3D - Weak!  Opener PASSES.
               2NT  - Minor Suit Slam Try.  Now MINIMAMA:        
                  3C     - Clubs, minimum.
                  3D     - No minor BUT interested in a minor slam.
                  3H     - Clubs, maximum.
                  3S     - Diamonds, maximum.
                 3NT     - No minor suit, no interest in slam.
                       - 4C or 4D by Responder will be TABs.

               3H   - A subsequent Transfer to 6+card Spade suit.  
                         Game-forcing.
                    - Opener must rebid 3S, when 3NT is a 4-Step
                         TAB; 4C, 4D or 4H are Control Checks.

               3S, 4C or 4D - Control Checks with 6+ Hearts.

               3NT  - 5-Step TAB with 6+ Hearts.

     2C   - Limited Stayman.  MAY be game-forcing, never slammish.
               2C Responder cannot subsequently make Asking Bids.
          - The "StayMoysT" Rule:  Use Stayman only if you feel that a
               Moysian Trump fit may offer better play than No Trump.

          Now Opener rebids:

          2NT or 3NT - 3-3-2-5, minimum and maximum respectively.
               - Responder's only artificial rebids are South African
                    Transfers:
                    4C   = "Please bid 4H"; and
                    4D   = "Please bid 4S".

          3C or 3D - Weakest suit, 4-3, 3-4 or 4-4 in the majors,
                    maximum.

               - "Weakest suit" is a doubleton unless a 4-3-3-3 type.
               - Responder raises weakest suit (e.g. 1NT:2C:3C:4C) 
                    to ask for Opener's {cheapest} 4-card major.

          3H or 3S - Weakest suit, 4-cards in the opposite major,
                    maximum.

          2H or 2S - 4-card major, minimum.  2H may hide 4 Spades.
              
              After 1NT:2C:2H, 2S is natural and non-forcing on as few
              as 4 Spades.  Opener will rebid 2NT with a doubleton
              Spade, pass or {occasionally} bid on with better Spade
              support.
              
          2D - No major, denying 3-3-2-5, 13-16 HCPs.  2D, then,
                    promises 3+ diamonds.

              Responder often uses a 2C reply to 1NT with a 5-card major
              and game-forcing values to ask Opener to choose between 4-
              of-the-major and 3NT.  Indeed, this is the only game-
              forcing hand on which Responder uses 2C.  
              This explains the need for South African Transfers after
              1NT:2C:2NT or 1NT:2C:3NT (clearly, 4C couldn't be Gerber
              and 4D couldn't be a 5-5 major 2-suiter).
              
              After 1NT:2C:2D Responder bids 3-of-a-major to show 5
              cards in the opposite major.  After 1NT:2C:2-of-a-major
              Responder jumps to 3NT with the other major or raises
              Opener's 4-carder to game.  Notice that Opener will always
              be Declarer.
              
              e.g.  1NT  2C
                    2D   3S  - 5 Hearts.  "4H or 3NT?"
               
                    1NT  2C
                    2H   3NT - This shows 5 Spades.
              
              So what does a slammish Responder do with a 5-card major? 
              Easy!  Bid and rebid the major.
              
              e.g.  1NT  2H  - GF, 4+ Hearts.
                    any  3H  - 5+ Hearts.  4-step TAB.
              
              Interference:  A double of 1NT meets with "Guoba Rescue",
              whereby:
              
              2C - Weak, Clubs and either Diamonds or Spades.
              2D, 2H, 2S - Weak, the bid suit & next higher ("touching")
                    suit.
              Redouble - Weak, 1-suiter.  Opener bids 2C, then passes
                    any rebid.
              Pass - Forces a redouble from Opener.  Then:
               Pass - Penalty.  8+ HCPs.
               2C - Weak, Clubs and Hearts ("non-touching" suits).
               2D - Weak, Diamonds and Spades ("non-touching"    
                    suits).
              
              
              A 2-of-a-suit overcall may see 3-level transfers:
               2-of-a-suit - Natural, non-forcing.
               2NT, 3C, 3D or 3H - Transfers to next suit (except
                    1NT-2S-3H, which is weak and natural).
              
              A jump to 3S (e.g. 1NT-2D-3S) or a cuebid of 3S (1NT-2S-
              3S) suggests a shortness in the opponent's suit.  Opener
              rebids 3NT with a double stopper;  without a double
              stopper Opener rebids naturally, 4-card majors first.
              
              A "transfer" into the opponent's non-Spade suit (e.g. 1NT-
              2C-2NT, 1NT-2D-3C or 1NT-2H-3D) tends to deny shortness
              and asks for a stopper.  Opener rebids 3NT with a stopper,
              bids a 4-card major or, with neither, cuebids the
              opponent's suit.  A jump cuebid of the opponent's minor
              suit by Opener (e.g. 1NT-2D-3C-P-4D) shows 4 cards in both
              majors.
              
              
     Opener:        S- AQ           H- Kxx      D- Qxx      C- KJxxx
     Responder A:   S- Jxxxxx       H- xx       D- Kx       C- xxx

     1NT  2D   - "Please bid 2H for now."
     2H   2S   - "Please pass now."

     Responder B:   S- KJxxxx       H- xx       D- Ax       C- AQx

     1NT  2D   - "Please bid 2H for now."
     2H   3H   - "Please bid 3S, my real suit."
     3S   4H   - Control check.  "Heart control?"
     5D        - H-K with 12 HCPs outside Hearts.
          6S   - "It can't be worse than a finesse."

     Responder C:   S- x            H- Ax       D- AKxxx    C- Axxxx

     1NT  2D   - Forces 2H.
     2H   2NT  - Minor suit slam try.
     3H        - Clubs and a maximum.
          4C   - TAB in Clubs.
     4D        - 15 HCPs with C-Q +/or 5 Clubs.
          4H   - "Key Cards?"
     5C        - "2 Key Cards."
          5D   - "Doubleton?"
     5S        - "Doubleton Spade."
          5NT  - "Kings?"
     6D        - "One King."
          7C   - Or 7NT.  Both will require the D-Q.

     Opener:        S- Kxx          H- Axxx       D- xx       C- AKxx
     Responder A:   S- Axxxx        H- Kx         D- Axx      C- Qxx

     1NT  2C   - Limited Stayman.  "4-card Major?"
     2H        - 4 Hearts, minimum.
          3NT  - Promises 5 Spades.  "Bid 4S or pass."
     4S        - This should play much better than 3NT.

     Responder B:   S- AQxx         H- KQx        D- KQxxx    C- x

     1NT  2S   - 4+ Spades. GF.
     2NT       - 2 or 3 Spades with a 4-card minor.
          3D   - 5-card suit.
     3NT       - Doubleton diamond.
          Pass - Not fit, no slam.

     Responder C:   S- AQxx         H- KQ        D- Kxx       C- QJxx

     1NT  2S   - 4+ Spades.  GF.
     2NT  3C   - MINIMAMA.  "Which minor suit?"
     3NT       - 4 Clubs, minimum hand.
          4C   - A fit!  TAB in Clubs.
     4H        - "Maximum minimum", 14 HCPs.
          4S   - "Key Cards?  Club Queen?"
     5C        - {0 or} 3 Key Cards, lacking the C-Q.
          5D   - Doubleton?
     6C        - Doubleton in Diamonds, helpful for...
          Pass - ...a slam in Clubs.

     Responder D:   S- Axx          H- KQx       D- QJ        C- QJxxx

     1NT  3C   - GF, 5+ Clubs.
     3H        - Minimum, 3+ Clubs, H- Guard, no D- Guard.
          4C   - TAB in Clubs.
     4D        - Maximum, relative to previous bidding.
          5C   - "I may need that and a little luck to make 5C!"


The Beast of Bridge


     Every town or city is afflicted by its own version of the Caustic
Caution.  The host city of these Nationals was no different.  Theirs was
a nasty, unprincipled lout known as the Beast.  No, not Ira Rubin (aka  
"The Beast").  This Beast requires no quotation marks.

     Ironically, while the Maggot and Attila battled the Beauty and 
Pearl, this particular local beastly burden was playing only three tables 
over.  Fate, in the form of a Tournament Director looking for an excuse 
to evict the Foursome, would soon bring them closer still.

     Acting as team captain, the Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune picked
up their second round assignment.  Hoping for a scouting report, he
strolled over the the man from the washroom who had negotiated their
entry into the event.  The rest of the PdCers joined them.

     "What's this guy like?" asked the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.

     "Well," drawled the go-between, "let me put it this way:  this is
the one guy who can trace his ancestry forward...to the Book of
Revelations!"

     "Come again?" said the Sultan.

     "Let me give you another clue," continued the diplomat
diplomatically, "when this guy talks about the Four Horsemen he ain't
referring to the Cartwrights."

     "The Beast!?" guessed the Maggot.  Even as far away as
Punkydoodle's Corners people had heard of the Beast.  It seemed that no
one ever wanted to play in the same game as this disgusting, underhanded
reprobate.  No one, that is, except God's Favourite Atheist and the
Caustic Caution.

     "Dibs on the Beast!" they shouted in unison.  Their motives were
clear enough.  Lady Luck's Lover wanted to meet a fellow card sharp; 
perhaps they could compare notes and talk shop.  Attila felt his
position threatened by the notion that anyone could be more obnoxious
than he.  The two men began bickering about who should be accorded the
dubious honour of playing against the Beast.

     "I have a solution," offered the washroom ambassador, "why don't
the two of you play together, you know, as partners?"  Cowboy and the
Rattler looked at each another.  Again they shouted as one.

     "When hell has hockey!"

     Nevertheless, there was no other solution.  Word of the match-up
spread and a crowd of ghoulish kibitzers crowded around the table. 
Onlookers did not have to wait long for the fireworks to begin.  Oddly
enough, the Beast's opening salvo was one of Cowboy's favourite ploys.


                    S- Kxxx
                    H- AQx
                    D- Jxx
                    C- Qxx
      Cowboy                        Attila
     S- xx                          S- x
     H- xxxxx                       H- J10xx
     D- 98x                         D- AK10x
     C- Jxx                         C- xxxx
                     Beast
                    S- AQxxxx
                    H- K
                    D- Qxx
                    C- AKx

     A standard 1S:3S:6S auction left the Beast in a seemingly
impossible slam.  Impossible, that is, after the Cowboy led the D-9. 
Declarer ruffed the Caution's D-K, only to have dummy ask:  "No Diamonds,
partner?"

     "No...whoops...sorry, I do have a Diamond," stuttered the Beast
clumsily as he produced the D-Q.  Attila switched to a Club and watched
Declarer pitch his two Diamond losers on Hearts.  6S, making, -1430. 

     "A Trump Commotion," observed the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man. 
"Well done."

     The Beast followed this up with another old standby.  With C-AJ9x
opposite C-K108x he faced a two-way finesse for the C-Q.  He won the
opening Heart lead in his hand and then tried to lead C-10 from dummy.

     "You're leading from the wrong hand!" protested an excited Rattler.

     "Sorry," apologized the Beast as he led a Club to dummy's C-K before
letting the C-10 ride.  Attila's agitated state had alerted him to the
location of the C-Q.

     "A Blue Cross Coup," said Cowboy patiently.

     "Why do you call it that?" queried the Beast.

     "Try it on us again," the Rattler seethed, "and you'll find out."

     On the third hand God's Favourite Atheist opened a pre-emptive 3H. 
The Beast's partner made a loud but "co-operative" double on  S- xx  H-
AQ9x  D- AKx  C- Axxx.  In light of the volume of the double the Beast
decided that his most co-operative action would be to leave the double
in--with four Spades and a singleton Heart.  This decision turned out to
be very prescient:  +500 as opposed to the -500 that 3S contract would
have cost.

     "The Rabies Rule," commented Lady Luck's Lover drily.  When partner
is frothing at the mouth it is usually right to leave his double in.

     None of this disturbed Cowboy.  What did finally upset him was
seeing "third and fifth" written on the back of the Beast's convention
card.

     In the isolated environment of Punkydoodle's Corners "3rd and 5th"
does not refer to a carding convention.  Rather, it refers to a method
of dealing with the opponents' 1NT and higher level openings--especially
artificial 2-bids.  Before passing, one can show a good hand by
subjecting Opener's partner to the third degree.

     "What is the range of that bid?" suggests 6+ HCPs.

     "Do you play it straight-up or with variations?" shows 9+ HCPs.

     "What negative inferences can you draw from this bid?" promises a
full opening bid.

     "Does he ever psyche this opening bid?" guarantees 20+ HCPs and is
forcing to game.

     Holding a hand weaker than 6 HCPs one clams up like a witness
citing the Fifth, passing without a word.  This understanding, called
"Third Degree and Fifth Amendment" or just "Third and Fifth", is a well
known defence against alerts in Punkydoodle's Corners.  Playing 3rd and
5th was one thing;  marking it on your card was quite another.  Cowboy
couldn't believe their cheek.

     Cowboy's thoughts returned for a moment to the previous hand. 
Clearly, the Beast was familiar with the Rabies Rule.  But did he know
that it was only one of the Three R's of bridge?  Cowboy saw that it was
his duty to round out the Beast's education.  

     He started with the Rocket Rule:  "When your HCP count is down
around zero, blast off" or, more succinctly, "Count down?  Blast off!" 
The Caution opened 1NT, not vulnerable versus vulnerable opponents.  The
Beast held 14 HCPs and began questioning the Cowboy.  What was the range
of their 1NT?  Did they ever open 1NT with both majors?  Could there be
a 5-card major?  Does it imply Club length?  Lady Luck's Lover answered
all questions calmly and politely.  Once the Beast passed God's
Favourite Atheist jumped to 3NT on a balanced yarborough.  Unfamiliar
with pre-emptive jumps in No Trump, the Beast's partner, holding 13 HCPs
himself, concluded that the Beast had psyched his interrogation on a
bust.  Pass.  Pass.  Pass.  Declaring 3NT, down 6, turned out to be only
half as expensive as defending 3NT. 

                     Cowboy
                    S- Axxx
                    H-
                    D- J10xxx
                    C- Kxxx
      Beast                        B's Pard
     S- KQ10x                       S- xx
     H- AKJxxx                      H- Qxxx
     D- Ax                          D- xxxx
     C- x                           C- xxx
                     Attila
                    S- Jxx
                    H- xxx
                    D- KQ
                    C- AQJxx

     Attila    Beast     Cowboy    B's Pard
       1NT       2H        3H       Dble
       3S       Pass       4S       Pass
      Pass     DOUBLE!     4NT      Pass
       5C       Pass      Pass      Pass

     This hand allowed the Cowboy to demonstrate the Richter Rule:  Run
from any double that registers higher than 2.1 on the Richter scale. 
The Beast's double of 4S caused tables to shake three counties away. 
5C, of course, was Attila-proof and allowed the Fearsome Foursome to
chalk up a double game swing by making 4H at the other table.

     When the smoke cleared the Foursome had won by 36 IMPs and none of
the kibitzers were demanding their money back. 


The One Spade Opening Bid


     The 1S Opener holds either a 5+card Spade suit, 11-15 HCPs OR 6+
good Spades, 7-10 HCPs, 2 or 3 Hearts (the "weak 1-bid").

     Now:
4C, 4D, 4H - Maxi-splinters with a singleton.

     Responder:    S- KJxx       H- x         D- AQxxx        C- QJx

     Slam will require few wasted values in Hearts.  Splinter with 4H.

3NT  - Maxi-splinter with a void in Hearts.  An Exclusion TAB.

     Responder:    S- KJxx       H-            D- AQxxx       C- KQx

     Begin with a 3NT reply to 1S.  This 4-Step TAB will ask Opener to
     consider only values outside Hearts.

3S   - Pre-emptive with exactly 4 Spades.

     Responder:    S- KJxx        H- x         D- xxxx         C- xxxx

     Jam the opponents by bidding 3S (yes, even if vulnerable!).

3C, 3D or 3H - Mini-splinter OR a Maxi-splinter with a void.

     Responder A:  S- KJxx        H- Axx       D- x            C- xxxxx

     Respond 3D with the idea of respecting any 3S sign-off by Opener.

     Responder B:  S- KJxx        H- Axx       D-              C- AKxxxx

     Respond 3D with the idea of rebidding 4NT, Exclusion KC Blackwood.

2NT  - GIRLS.  Game-try Involving Responder's Long Suit OR a sign-off in
          3NT.  

     Now:

     3C  - "What type do you have?"  Other rebids are weak.  Then:  

          3D or 3H - Natural, Long Suit Game or Slam Try.

     Responder A:    S- KQx       H- AJxxx     D- Ax           C- Axx

     A slam in Spades will likely depend upon a Heart fit.  Start with
     2NT, rebid 3H over 3C and see what kind of reaction you get.

     Responder B:     S- KQx      H- xxx       D- AJxxx        C- xxx

     If 4S is going to make it will likely require some fitting Diamond
     honours from Opener.  After 1S:2NT:3C rebid 3D, inviting 4S based
     upon Diamond length.

          3S   - Long Suit Game Try with long Clubs.

     Responder:       S- KQx      H- xxx       D- xx           C- AJxxx

     After 1S:2NT:3C rebid 3S, inviting 4S based on long Clubs.

          3NT  - Natural sign-off.  Usually 2 Spades, 12-16 HCPs.

     Responder:       S- xx       H- KQx       D- QJxx         C- KQJx

     Start with 2NT and, over 3C, rebid 3NT.

          4C   - Natural Long Suit Slam Try.

     Responder:      S- KJx       H- Ax        D- Axx          C- AJxxx

     Strong enough to insist on game, after 1S:2NT:3C rebid 4C as a
     slam try.

2S   - Destructive raise.  Maximal Opener may start a feature show with
          2NT.

     Opener:         S- AQxxx     H- x         D- KJxx         C- AJx
     Responder A:    S- Kxx       H- xxx       D- Qxxx         C- Qxx

     1S   2S   - 6 to 8 HCPs, 3+ Spades.  Destructive raise.
     2NT       - "Please bid your honour cards up-the-line."
          3C   - "I have an honour card in Clubs."
     3D        - "So far, so good.  Honour card in diamonds."
          4S   - "I have a diamond honour."

     Responder B:    S- Kxx       H- Qxx       D- xxxx         C- Qxx

     1S   2S
     2NT  3C
     3D   3H   - "I have a Heart Honour but..."
     3S   Pass - "...not the Diamond honour you wanted."

2H   - Natural Game Force, beginning a 5-card auction.  
          Any new suit by Opener must now be 5+cards long.
               
          - 3H, 3NT, 4C, 4D or 4H = TAB replies with 3+ Hs.
          - 3S  = Careful!  Weak one-bid!  7-10 HCPs, 6+Ss, 2-3 Hs.
          - 2NT = Good 6+card Spade suit, 11-15 HCPs.
          - 3C or 3D = Natural, 5+card minor suits, 11-15 HCPs.  
                    Does not show extra strength.
 
2D   - The Multiflex 2D Response.  This shows one of these five types:

          The Constructive Raise:  8-11 HCPs, 3+ Spades.

          S- Qxx          H- xx           D- Axxx         C- KJxx
          Too strong for a direct 2S, take the scenic route via 2D.

          The Rebiddable Major:  8-11 HCPs, 5+ good Hearts.

          S- x            H- KQJxxx       D- xxx          C- Kxx
          Try 2D, intending to pass a discouraging 2H if you hear it.
     
          The Balanced Hand:  10-11 HCPs, flat, 2 Spades.

          S- xx           H- QJx          D- QJxxxx       C- KQx
          Begin with 2D, intending to rebid in No Trump next turn.


          The Diamond Hand:  12+ HCPs, 5+ Diamonds.  GF.

          S- x            H- Axx          D- KQxxxx       C- AQx
          After responding 2D rebid 3D to feel out Opener on a 
                    possible Diamond contract.

          The Minors Hand:  12+ HCPs, 5+ Diamonds & 5+ Clubs, GF.

          S- x            H- Kx           D- AQxxx        C- AJxxx
          A minor suit slam isn't out of the question.  Commence
                    with 2D, then rebid 3C to see how partner feels.


     In any case, Responder's next bid will be natural, clarifying
matters.  For now, Opener rebids:

     2H  - 2+ H-s, less that maximal.  Responder's options are:

          Pass - 5+ good H-s, 8-10 HCPs.  With 11 HCPs consider 3H here.

          2S   - Constructive raise.  Now 2NT = Feature show.

          2NT  - Balanced 10-11 HCPs.

          3C   - 5-5 minors, GF.  MINIMAMA.  Now:

               3D   = Diamond fit, any strength.  Responder 
                         may now temporize with 3H or 3S,
                         when Opener will rebid 3NT (weak),
                         4C (C- cuebid) or a TAB reply,           
                         starting at the 4D level.   
               3H   = The other major.  Club support, minimum.
               3S   = Weak 1-bid or dead minimum 1S opening.
               4S or 3NT = Natural, denies fit or weak 1-bid.
               4C/4D/4H/4NT/5C = TAB reply with Club support, maximum.

          3D  - 6+ Diamonds, Game-forcing.  Now:

               3H     = A bid of the "other" major shows D- support,
                         minimum.
               3S     = Natural.  Weak 1-bid or dead minimum 1S.
               3NT or 4S = No diamond fit BUT a real Opener.
               4C     = Club cuebid, maximum, supporting D-s.
               4D/4H/4NT/5C/5D = TAB reply, max, no C- control.

     2S   - Not co-operating.  0-1 H-s, denying a weak 1-bid or a
                    maximum.  Now:
               2NT  - Balanced 11 HCPs (Pass with only 10 HCPs!)
               3C   - 5-5 minors, GF.  Rebid as above.
               3D   - 6+ Diamonds, GF.  Rebid as above.

     2NT  - Interested.  "What kind of hand?"
               3C   - 5-5 minors, 12+ HCPs.  Rebid as above.
               3D   - 6+ Diamonds, 12+ HCPs.  Rebid as above.
                         Obviously, 2NT denies a weak 1-bid.  Hence,
                         3S will not be required to warn Responder
                         after 1S:2D:2NT:3-of-a-minor.  3S, then,
                         becomes natural and frees up 4S as a TAB reply.

               3H   - 6+ Hearts, 7-10 HCPs.

               3S   - Constructive Raise.  3+Spades, 8-10 HCPs.

               3NT  - 11-12 HCPs, flattish hand.

     3C or 3D - 5-5 in Spades and the bid minor, 11-15 HCPs.

     3H    - 5+ Hearts, 11-15 HCPs.  Warns of possible misfit.

2C   - Golady.  GF.  "Second suit?"

     3NT  - 5-4-4-0 distribution.  4C is now a Short Suit Signoff.

     3S   - Careful!  Weak one-bid!  Now Responder rebids:

          4C or 4D - 4-Step Trial TABs.  Opener rebids 4S to deny
          support for Responder's minor.
          When weak 1-bidder shows support for Responder's       
          minor here "control rich" means an Ace, "control       
          poor" means no Ace.

          4H   - Natural.  To play, opposite the 2 or 3 H-s.

          4NT  - Normal Blackwood with Spades OR Hearts as trumps.

     3H   - 5-0-4-4 distribution.  Now:  4NT = KC Blackwood with Hearts
               trumps.

     3D   - 5-4-0-4 distribution.

     3C   - 5+ Diamonds.  Now 3D is a Short Suit Asking Bid.

     2NT  - Exactly 4 Diamonds.  Now:

               3C  = A SSAB, whereupon:
                    3D   = No shortness.  Thus:  5-2-4-2.
                    3H   = Short in Hearts.  Thus:  5-1-4-3-ish.
                    3S   = Natural, 6+ GOOD Spades.
                    3NT  = Short in Clubs.  Thus:  5-3-4-1-ish.

     2S  - 4+ Clubs.  Now:

          2NT - SSAB, perhaps hoping for a 5th Club.
               3C   = 5th club, whereupon 3D is a SSAB.
               3D   = No shortness.  Thus:  5-2-2-4.
               3H   = Short in Hearts.  Thus:  5-1-3-4-ish.
               3S   = 6+ GOOD spades.
               3NT  = Short in Diamonds.  Thus:  5-3-1-4-ish.

     Opener:      S- AQxxx     H- x        D- Qx        C- KQxxx
     Responder:   S- x         H- Axxx     D- Axxx      C- Axx

     1S   2C   - Golady.  "2nd suit?"
     2S        - 4+ Clubs.
          2NT  - "Please clarify.  5th Club?  Short suit?"
     3C        - 5th Club.
          3D   - "Shortness?"
     3H        - "Short in highest ranked possible suit, Hearts."
          4C   - TAB in Clubs.
     4D        - Minimum with the C-Q +/or a 6th Club.
          5C   - Without a 4th Club himself, Responder gives up on 6C.

     2H  - Spade single-suiter, 11-15 HCPs.  Responder's might now bid:

          2NT = SSAB.  Now:
               3C, 3D, 3H or 3NT = SSAB replies.
               3S   = 6+ GOOD Spades, usually no x/void.

     Opener:        S- xxxxx    H- AQx      D- KJx       C- Kx
     Responder:     S- AKx      H- KJxx     D- AQx       C- QJx

     1S   2C   - "2nd suit?"
     2S        - "Nope."
          2S   - TAB in Spades.  "HCP strength?  S-Q?  6th S-?"
     3H        - Minimum, 5 Spades only, no S-Q.
          3S   - Sign-off, forcing a choice between 3NT and 4S.
     3NT       - "I see no reason to play in Spades."

     2D  = 5+ Spades and 4+ Hearts.  Responder can ask for shortness
               via:

          2NT = SSAB.  Now:
               3C, 3D or 3NT = SSAB replies.
               3H or 3S = Natural.  Extra length in bid major.

     Opener:        S- xxxxx   H- AJxx       D- Ax        C- Ax
     Responder:     S-         H- KQxxx      D- Kxxx      C- KQxx

     1S   2C
     2D        - 4+ Hearts to go with the 5+ Spades.
          2H   - TAB in Hearts.
     3C        - 3 Key Cards, no H-Q, only 4 Hearts.  Minimum.
          3S!  - Control Check.  "Control in Spades?"
     3NT       - "No Spade Ace or King."
          6H   - Or 7H, if desperate.  "That's great news!"


In the Flesh


     Fleshie towers above the other residents of Punkydoodle's Corners
in every way imaginable:  physically, atop the Maggot's shoulder;  in
status, as the Mayor;  and in terms of skill at the bridge table.  He is
not, however, above criticizing the play.  These reproaches range from
a shake of the head, a mild squawk, a piercing stare or, for the most
serious of gaffes, a dead faint.  The latter habit explains the pillow
on the floor behind the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.

     The argument continues concerning the bird's species.  Its owner
insists that Fleshie is a vulture--and a very cultured vulture at that. 
Attila counters that Fleshie is nothing more than a scavenging buzzard. 
During one of the bird's squawking diatribes against the low calibre of
card play the Sultan divined that Fleshie was a "ravin' raven".  My own
guess is that Fleshie is nothing more than a rather macho mynah.  I
would not be surprised to discover that the Fleshter is, in fact,
capable of speech but has found nothing worth saying to such rabble. 
Again, the debate goes on.

     On one particular morning Cowboy had to take his partner, the Duke
of Yarborough, to see an optometrist.  It seems that the Sultan was
complaining about seeing spots before his eyes.  The Maggot and Rattler,
meanwhile, were awake and itching for action.

     "Why don't you and Fleshie play against us?" the Ghost asked.  I
expressed my reservations.  I hadn't mastered their system yet.  

     "No problem," Attila assured me, "that buzzard can play standard as
badly as anything else."

     The Ghost placed a card rack on the table to hold Fleshie's hand. 
A strange-looking bidding box appeared.  The PdCers explained the
meaning of the bidding cards.  Suit bids were shown pictorially:  for
example, a bid of 3H would be shown by a card with three anatomically
correct hearts on it.  A pass involved flashing a picture of Fran
Tarkenton hurling a football.  In order to compensate for takeout and
penalty doubles routinely being differentiated by tone and volume there
were three double cards.  A co-operative double would be made by
flashing a picture of an overflowing glass martini goblet.  A takeout
double would be effected by flashing a picture of an overflowing plastic
martini goblet.  Penalty doubles involved showing a card with the two
letters "I.W." written on it.  The redouble card was a picture of
Canada's national animal, the beaver.

     Fleshie stood on the opposite edge of the table from me, waiting
patiently until his cards were propped up in his rack.  The Maggot dealt
and passed.  The Cultured Vulture produced a picture of a shovel.  1S. 
I responded a Jacoby 2NT and Fleshie bid 7S.  End of auction.

                     Dummy
                    S- J104
                    H- AK97
                    D- KQ6
                    C- K54
      Attila                        Maggot
     S- 83                          S- 752
     H- J1065                       H- Q842
     D- 543                         D- 72
     C- J763                        C- AQ82
                     Fleshie
                    S- AKQ96
                    H- 3
                    D- AJ1098
                    C- 109

     Attila made a passive trump lead against the grand slam.  The Macho
Mynah rattled off five rounds of trump, cashed his Ace of Hearts and
then began running Diamonds.  The defence signalled their count in the
roundeds;  both showed an even number.  Both were convinced that
Declarer had started off with 5-3-5-0 distribution.  Why else would he
play off the Ace of Hearts?  This meant that both felt the need to guard
Hearts.  When the Maggot shed a second small Heart the Rattler concluded
that his partner had falsecarded his count with H- Q42, leaving Fleshie
with 5-2-5-1 distribution.  At trick eleven, when Fleshie played off his
last Diamond, the situation was:
  
                     Dummy
                    H- K9
                    C-