DATELINE: 04-24-1997
NEWS FLASH!
A deadly cancerous scourge has broken out in the bridge
community. So far the disorder has reached epidemic--but not
pandemic--proportions. Experts observe that it is currently
restricted to the United States of America and parts of western
Canada. Officials of European, Asian and other bridge
organizations are entreating the World Bridge Federation to
announce a quarantine in an effort to stop the spread of the
disease.
Symptoms include:
- pathological phobia of all systems, conventions,
styles and approaches other than Standard American
(Yellow Card) and 2-over-1 Game Force.
- pronounced aversion to alerts
- coprolalia in the presence of bridge theorists
- stagnant or deteriorating bridge bidding abilities
- pronounced xenophobia
- agorophobic response to international competition
- dementia, marked by chanting mantras such as
"simplicity" and "bidding judgement"
- delusions, such as the notion that approach-forcing
systems are simpler and that 2/1 and SAYC
players
have a monopoly on "bidding judgement"
Dr. D. Results of the "25th Board", a Washington Drink
Tank, dramatized the seriousness of this epidemic to the bridge
community: "Anti-Convention Bridge Lymphoma is to bridge
relations what the Ku Klux Klan was to race relations."
Underlining his point, the good doctor demonstrated the
widespread nature of the dysfunction by pointing out the fact
that 2C, GAME-FORCING STAYMAN,
is still deemed illegal by those in the final stages of Anti-Convention
Bridge Lymphoma (i.e "ACBL") if the 2C bid happens to come
opposite a 1-of-a-suit opening bid.
"But why would anyone want to play Stayman opposite a
1-of-a-suit opening bid?" is a question which only those badly
afflicted will pose. Other examples of constructive methods
being attacked by this cancer are legion. This,
coupled with the swollen brain associated with ACBL, has in many
cases caused it to be misdiagnosed as Legionaire's Disease.
Medical professions are currently being advised on
differential diagnoses.
Experts warn that the incubation phase often takes place
on a localized basis in cultures called "club games" and
"lessons". Here, new hosts are inculcated with the notion
that non-standard innovations are foreign bodies to be
attacked without hesitation. Practioners of these "arcane"
methods are viewed with the same suspicion that was reserved
for left-handed people in medieval times. In more benign
forms, those spreading the contagion in these environs will
simply ignore the very existence of such minority preferences.
No number of World Championship victories will ever merit
the Polish, Blue Team, Neapolitan or
Precision Club even a fleeting mention in a North
American bridge manual.
Much more malignant are the host bodies who organize tournaments
and events where any such unorthodoxy--however slight--is
expressly forbidden. The most extreme example of this is
the OKBRIDGE Novice-Mentor tournament, where even DONT and
West Coast Cuebids (domestic conventions understood by almost any
experienced bridgeplayer) are prohibited.
Dr. D. Results concludes that the only way to combat
this epidemic is to innoculate the entire population with
heavy doses of generic vaccines, including
Tolerance tm ,
Sophistication tm
and Open-Mindednesstm .
The doctor is not optimistic.
"Knowing what is best for others is the first act of war."
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